Sheldon The Wonderhorse

Eating Apples Since 1969
NOVEMBER 16, 2010 1:05PM

McRib-tickling

Rate: 19 Flag

Oh, McRib. Welcome back.

A Pork-esque Sammie. 

I think I can say in all honesty, it's been at least 13 years since I've had one of these bad boys. Hey, McRib? Whaddya say we make it another 13 years, huh? I swear, I had one of these two days ago, and I still don't have any feeling in my feet.

For those of you who might be unfamiliar with just what a McRib is, here you go: It's some sort of patty-like substance pressed into a vaguely rib-cage-shape, slathered in overly-sweet BBQ sauce, topped with onions and pickles, and served on a chewy hoagie roll. Word to the wise: bread should never be chewy.

Another word to the wise: do NOT wipe the sauce off the McRib. You will be tempted - I urge you to fight that temptation. The result is like seeing a naked Shelly Winters - you may be intrigued, you may be curious, you may be fascinated, but you will never be able to get that image off your corneas.

The first thing you notice about the McRib is the scent. It smells of teenagers and desperation. Many of you will be asking, "What's the difference?". Well, it's subtle. Take salt, and add hormones, dissatisfaction and Axe Body Spray, and there you go. After the first bite, you do find yourself asking, "Is that gristle?". After the second bite, you find yourself asking, "Seriously, is that gristle?". If you manage to make it to a third bite, you find yourself saying, "Dear god, please let that be gristle". By the time you get to the fourth, you just feel like someone's been punching you repeatedly in the back. The McRib may be the only sandwich out there that makes you feel like a shut-in while eating it.  

If you do have the stamina to finish one, you may be surprised by some new found powers. I have no idea what they put in these things, but I discovered that not only could I see through walls, but also through time and space. Now, it's entirely possible I was just hallucinating, but I swear I had a conversation about The Partridge Family with a dinosaur-riding Napoleon Bonapart. We both agreed that even back in 1968, it was obvious that Danny was clearly a douchebag in the making.

One thing I do want to know, and I'm looking at you McDonalds Corporation: what the hell happened to your fries? When I was a kid, your fries were the be-all-end-all when it came to deep fried spuds. Now, maybe it's because I'm older, my tastes have matured, I no longer eat play-dough, who knows? But, man, your fries suck now. I always thought it was pretty hard to screw up something as easy as a french fry, but clearly I was wrong. Seriously, I've bitten into pencils that were tastier and more forgiving.

McRib. You, my friend, are a sauce-covered colon bomb. You finish one of these, and all you hear is the Mission: Impossible theme in your head. Whatever you do, make sure you are near a restroom. You know you only have a few minutes until detonation, so for the love of God, don't eat one of these while driving through the middle of Nebraska, unless you don't mind shitting in a ditch. When they say, "Availble for a limited time", they are not kidding.

Look, I'm no food-snob. There's a reason they keep bringing this thing back every couple of years. People obviously like them. Whatever floats your boat. If you like eating something that tastes like sadness, knock yourself out. I, however, think I'll take a pass. In only a few more weeks, the McRib will be put back in the vault until next time. But don't be depressed:

Only four months until Shamrock Shakes.

 

Author tags:

humor

Your tags:

TIP:

Enter the amount, and click "Tip" to submit!
Recipient's email address:
Personal message (optional):

Your email address:

Comments

Type your comment below:
Tastes like "sadness?" That is.......well, simply delightful.

Maybe we should start a write-in campaign for some McOats. I bet that would taste like......uh, "sneezing?"

Good to see you.
This is one of your most hilarious posts, ever! I don't even know where to start with which lines were the funniest. Bet I can't pick just one.... (what fucking ad wass that for?)
I noticed the enormous signs heralding the return of this abomination. My daughter(a teenager) came back from McDonalds the other day. I asked if she had tried one. "I was too scared." Direct quote.
We will, however, be first in line for Shamrock shakes.~r
I'm a little disturbed at how excited I am at the prospect of Shamrock Shakes. I got a little buzz just thinking about it now. :9
I always wondered how they cooked those things. They can't fry them so are they just nuked like a Jimmy Dean breafast sandwich? I tried one 20 years ago and just like the first time I tried a cigarette, once was enough.
The original McRibb was produced appoximately 4000 years ago somewhere in the Western Fertile Cresent. This is why the children of Abraham do not eat pork.

@O'Really? - "Bet I can't pick just one.... (what fucking ad wass that for?)" It was for a nasal relief product.
Stim betcha it's not even pork........o/e Very funny SheldonWH R***
Did it at least come with a toy?

Sounds like the McLobster without the sauce.

{[R]}
"You, my friend, are a sauce-covered colon bomb." Hahahaha!
This is too funny. I don't think I ever tried one of these McRubbish sandwiches. I'm not about to do it now that I've read this.

Lezlie
Coming soon! The McRib Double Down

Big Mac, Filet-o-Fish, Quarter Pounder, French Fries, Icy Coke, Thick Shake, Something else, and Apple Pies stuffed between two McRib patties.

*Not available in drive-thru
Take a Shamrock Shake and add 3 fingers of Jameson Irish Whiskey...that makes it quite good.

As for McRib...I wouldn't waste good whiskey on those.
There's a reason they keep bringing this thing back every couple of years. People obviously like them.

Yeah, and the so-called Chinese food served up by Panda Express. Sauce-covered colon bombs, indeed. People will eat all kinds of crap. That doesn't make it real food.

One aspect of Chicago that can be both an upside and a downside is the fact that so many giant food corporations are headquartered here and that they test market so many of their experiments here. Walking around the Loop on the right days presents an opportunity to score all sorts of free samples. Sometimes they're great. Sometimes colon bomb is a kind description.
My advice? Go back to eating Play-Dough. It's probably more nutritious and you only get lost in the space-time continuum if you don't chew it properly.
Having seen the heralding sign at Mickey D's today I resisted, which was not difficult. I would also add "DO NOT ATTEMPT TO EAT (and I use that term very loosely) WHILE IN YOUR CAR". The smell and sickly sweet sauce stay with your car for years...and years.
Sounds like a case for McPepto.
The fuckin' vegetarians killed the fries with all their whining about the essence of beef that was in the oil. They are always spoiling things for the rest of us. Fuckin' vegetarians.
"If you like eating something that tastes like sadness, knock yourself out"

You are Brilliant!

If your words were chocolate I couldn't help myself, I'd eat the whole box.
Thank you, you excite me with your prose.
@ Surly, my son says that he has never seen a "healthy vegan. No vegan has ever won shit at the Olympics."

Fat tastes good (think well trimmed, thick sliced bacon) but I would never EVER eat at Mickey D's......much less attempt to digest this crap.

I'd rather eat horse shit........more nutritious, and much more fun if it came from Sheldon's ass.
"When they say, "Available for a limited time", they are not kidding."
HA!HA!HA!---Thank you. I will wait for the shakes.