Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to the Best Man Olympics! I'm your host, Biff Robinson, and I'll be giving you the play-by-play in this winner-takes-all competition to see who will have the honor of standing next to Sheldon the Wonderhorse during his quickly-approaching nuptials. Let's meet the contestants, shall we?
First up, Sheldon's brother, Craig: He's lean, mean, and has an ass-kicking mustache. As you know, Sheldon truly appreciates an ass-kicking mustache. Plus, he's a carpenter - always good to have one of those around. You never know when you will need an emergency gazeebo built.
Next, Sheldon's friend, Kevin: They've been friends since the late 80's, he's also an actor, and he's 100% Irish. Clearly, no wedding is complete without an Irishman. Besides, there would be no way to keep him out anyway. Free food and booze? Good luck. That's the siren song to both actors and the Irish.
Next, Sheldon's friend, Sean: He's 6 feet 3 inches of sheer power. He's tall, lanky and enraptured by Dr. Demento. And ladies, he's single! And talk about overcoming adversity. It's not everyone who can live a completely normal life with webbed-toes. He definitely will have an advantage in the swimming competition.
Look here, it's Ernest Borgnine! The Oscar-winner may be getting up there in years, but he's still getting it done. Many people wrote him off during the qualifying Ed Asner Back Shaving Contest, but he staged a remarkable comeback and proved that he is in it to win it.
Next up, Stinky the Hobo. Sheldon doesn't actually know Stinky, but he did specifically request we find a hobo to compete. When asked why, Sheldon replied, "I like the way they run". Fair enough.
And finally, this duck, because...well...he showed up.
Here's how this works - each of these athelets will take part in a punishing 135-part ordeal that will test them right down to their core. Games will include:
The Bea Arthur Fireman's Carry: Bea has been known to disrupt the weddings of former lovers, and as a result, has had to be forcibly removed. This is one of the most important jobs for this Best Man. Contestants will be made to hike a quarter mile with a squirming Bea Arthur on their back - not an easy task!
Pork & Beans-apalooza: Simple - Eat as many gallons of pork and beans without rupturing your stomach. Obviously, the edge has to go to Stinky on this one.
The Suck-Up: As Best Man, you will be required to not only wait on the groom, but the entire extended family. Get used to this phrase: "Can I get you a drink?". Get used to this answer: "Yes. And hurry". Great Grandma Wonderhorse does not tolerate tardiness when it comes to Jello shots.
Uncle Dave Wrangling: Possibly the most difficult task of them all. Dave has been known to stroll around without pants while intoxicated. Trust us - a drunk, pantsless Dave is a certainty. Contestants will be tested on how fast they can make Dave presentable in public.
And that's just a taste of what's on the slate! Now, coming into this competition, you have to think that Craig has the edge being a relative and all, but I do think you have to give serious consideration to the duck. I've been watching him all morning, and he is extremely focused and seems to have a fire in his belly. If there is an underdog here today, it is that duck. Trust me, you don't want to count him out.
And here they come! As the competitors enter the Fred Phelps Masterbatorium, let's check in with Darlene Lovegood at the Iron Madien of Honor Competition......