Me:

1. When I swear, my entire family ceases to function so that they can stop and stare at me in disbelief. 
2. Last month someone mistook me for a teenager.
3. The number of lattes I purchase in a week is inversely correlated to the amount of money in my bank account.
4. Sometimes I worry that my child lacks a conscious just like her father.
5. I had my Meg Ryan moment 3 years ago.*
6. I named my first child after a Guns N’Roses song and my lack of patience. 
7. The first time I had sex I watched the clock, hoping that he would hurry up. I literally felt nothing. I debated for weeks whether or not we’d actually had sex.
8. I feared that no one would ever want me afterwards because I was damaged goods.
9. I would rather watch “The Darkest Hour” or “The Forsaken” rather than any crap movie on Lifetime. 
10. I used to fantasize about my ex getting hit by a bus. People get hit by buses all of the time, right?
11. I named my second child after Greek dieties of vengence. Different dad. See number 4. 
12. I’ve never drank champaign. 
13. I haven’t taken a shower in four days.
14. I have never been in a night club.
15. Lifetime channel sucks. This isn’t so much about me but rather a factual statement.
16. I am on my third glass of wine.
17. I don’t believe in romantic love.
18. I make the best pierogies. 
19. Sometimes I just want to float up into the multiverse and float away.
20. I don’t have a passport. 
21. I prefer driving west.
22. I have never smoked a cigarette. 
23. I don’t believe in marriage.
24. Fantasizing about someone forcing me to do things I don’t want to turns me on.
25. Sex does not.
26. Friends and family regularly make comments in front of me presuming that having a child “out of wedlock” automatically makes a woman a slut.**
27. Sometimes I wonder if I am a being from another planet somehow stuck here on Earth. (Sometimes I just don’t get other humans. Could I really be like them?)
28. I can’t read road signs until I am right in front of them. This is the best the eye doctor can do. 
29. Sometimes I wonder if I was a rapist in a former life, and this life is my punishment. 
30. I am afraid to let anyone read what I write.
31. Sometimes I crave chicken.
32. I am a vegetarian.
33. Sometimes the voice in my head tells me I have to write because it will be important for society.
34. Sometimes it tells me to swerve in front of on-coming trucks. 
35. I am afraid of passing semis on interstates if the corner veers to the right. 
36. My daughter keeps asking me if I am a lesbian. 
37. I want to get into my car and just drive west. And then just wander off.
38. I find exceptionally intelligent people very attractive. 
39. I crave being a nomad.
40. I get dizzy if I stand on something that is more than four feet off of the ground.
41. When I was a kid my cousin and used to tell “ouch jokes”***. 
42. The second time I had sex it hurt so much that I had trouble walking home the next morning. Other than that, it would have been exactly like the first time (see number 7).
43. Sometimes I crave being a 1950s housewife. 
44. The only apple pie my daughter will eat is my own. She can tell when someone uses canned apples and she refuses to eat it. 
45. I find myself excessively turned on by a man kissing another man. 
46. Two fifths of the time, the idea of kissing a man myself makes me slightly nauseous. 
47. I have an incessant need to prove that I am worthy by accomplishing things that no one else I know has done, and then not telling anyone about it.
48. I passed the Master Gardening test from Penn State with a hundred percent. 
49. I know how to use a nail gun, use an elctric screw driver, drill holes in cement, sew, quilt, lay cement, put up drywall, give a cow an intravenous drug, lay tile, fix the toilet, and once laid an entire room of floating floor without cutting one board incorrectly.
50. And then being slightly gleeful when they assume themselves better than me. 
51. I would rather read a government study than spend time with people. 
52. I am addicted to buffalo peanuts and lattes. 
53. Fourth glass of wine.
54. I scored at or above the 80th percentile on the MAT. I never told anyone (except you, of course--see number 53). 
55. I often worry that I might be crazy.
56. Craziness runs in my family. 
57. Drinking alone is far more fun than it ought to be.
58. I am utterly amazed by clouds because they are molecules of water around little pieces of dirt, covering up the multiverse. 
59. I don’t believe in god.
60. I define sexy as female. 
61. Fifth glass of wine. What happend to that bottle of wine? It seems to be empty.
62. I worry that I might never have sex with anyone, ever again. 
63. I talk to the universe at least once every day.
64. Yesterday I spent money, maxing out both credit cards, simply because I could and I was sick and tired of being poor. 
65. I haven’t kissed anyone in twelve years.
66. Being poor sucks.
67. I secretly want to get my doctorate. And then not tell anyone. 
68. I am secretly working on my second master’s degree. Only my eldest daughter and a few others know about it. 
69. I secretly hate fat people because I am jealous that I have to watch what I eat. 
70. One of my best friends is very overweight. 
71. Every time my father goes outside I mentally prepare myself for finding him dead, from his fourth heart attack. 
72. It can take less than thirty seconds from when I decide I want an orgasm until I actually have one.
73. I feel guilty, certain that I have failed my family because I choose higher education over running my family’s farm. 
74. I’ve only ever had one orgasm with another person.
75. My ex once pushed me down a flight of steps because was pregnant. He also tried to choke me, and in the process chipped my front tooth, all because he wanted me to have an abortion. 
76. I refuse to fix that tooth because it reminds me of what I can never let anyone ever do to me again.
77. Our daughter is beautiful. 
78. I am pro-choice. 
79. I think Chinese people are beautiful. 
80. I am pretty.
81. Sometimes I wish I had a son.
82. I even fantasize about making him. 
83. I was in beauty pageants when I was little. I won one, got first and second place, top 15 and Miss Congeniality (only one I didn’t place)--but I would never admit any of it to anyone because I don’t want them to judge me on my looks. 
84. I’ve had orgasms at least since I was five or six years old.
85. I can’t date because I am a closeted romantic and am constantly disappointed by the crap our world has to offer.
86. I think I am finally a bit tipsy.  

*Where she sobbed that she would be forty. . .in eight years. 

**As far as they know I have never been married, and at least one of their mothers had a child “out of wedlock”.*****

***Where the antagonist is beat by their father and decides to make a sandwich out of glass and nails and gross material in retaliation. What the hell happened to us when we were little that we thought this funny?****

****Spare the rod spoil the child.

*****I secretly married my eldest child’s father in order to receive more money for her care, and purposely told no one.