Depression: Growth Through Pain (Introduction)

 

Regardless of how your depression was birthed, and under what circumstances, be aware that, no matter how small you or others perceive the core issue to be, your reason for feeling the way you do is valid. The root of anyone's depression is never silly. It doesn't matter if your goldfish died, or the dark winds of change have blown over the inner sanctuary of your soul; if it's bothering you, if it has summoned the dark cloud of depression, it is a valid concern and issue. Does not a pearl begin with a piece of sand? What right is it of ours to discount anyone's feelings, or the root cause of such a devastating condition? What right is it of ours to tell ourselves that our issues are stupid and silly if it creates such an avalanche of heartache and pain?

I grew up in a great home with a great family in a small city in upstate New York. My mom stayed home with us, and my dad was a dentist. Even though I lacked the motivation to do well in school (and I didn't), I know now that somewhere within me I wanted to be successful. Even still, I never really had a direction. I just let the winds of change blow me through school, through graduation, and into a stagnant year after high school in which I didn't particularly do a thing. I never went to college and I still haven't. Oddly enough, however, a volunteer effort turned into a job in San Diego, and from there, the road of my life ended at a career I had done nothing to deserve. Twenty-two years old and I had a career making a ton of money that most folks at that age wouldn't have dreamed of for several years, and maybe even never. I had it all.

And then something happened.

Several years later, tired of the management, not knowing an ounce of what it was to be a 'good employee', I quit my great career, justifying my knee-jerk reaction to management reprimanding as my desire of 'changing career paths'. I wanted to go into nursing. And that's how I looked at it. I was done with upper management and their unfair treatment (years later, in this point of my life now, I realize it was indeed fair.). That first night without the cushion of my career was a very difficult one. I can remember it even today as if it happened last night. The lack of sleep. The constant surge of anxiety as if someone had poked my brain each time I almost fell asleep. Little did I know then that those nights would be common in the next months. Little did I know then that anxiety would nearly be my undoing later. Then, on the cusp of a new adventure, I didn't know about the ugly monster that looked down at me from further up the road, waiting to devour me. The monster we know as depression.

I began my incredibly short journey as a clinical nursing assistant and never made it past the first couple of days. I had forgotten one key thing about me: I am extremely empathetic. I will adopt anyone's pain as my own. Seeing others in pain… it never would have worked out. I still remember the event surrounding my decision to turn away from the path of nursing; a stroke victim whose children and family never visited her, and who, while attempting to wash her own face, gently stroked the air in front of her instead with a sponge in her hand. It was the saddest thing I had ever seen. And that's when, while running through the dark forest in my mind, I took my first few steps into the pit of despair.

I hadn't quit the new-found job yet. During the day, I told myself, "I can do this. I can do this." and at night, the shadows of my self-created negativity and anxiety suffocated me. I thought to myself, "If I can get out of this job, I'll be okay. I won't be afraid anymore." I begged my husband to let me quit, asked him if we would be okay if I didn't have a job. Thankfully, he let me... and I safely walked through the gates. Gates that I saw were pristine and golden, but were, in truth, decrepit and broken. I had walked through the gates of depression.

Unbeknownst to me, it was the dawn of something dark.

Depression: Grasping for Hope (Part II)