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Schopenhorror

Schopenhorror
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California,
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fanboy with attitude
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Satirist, writer, reader, artist with eclectic taste in the science fiction, fantasy, horror, mystery/suspense, and forteana. And yeah, some YA. Have zero patience for snobbery of every stripe.

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Salon.com
FEBRUARY 24, 2010 1:13AM

Cthulhuoid Dictionary- a Redress

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Disclaimer: (an Update) This was added for clarification in case any readers are out there scratchin' their heads, wondering "what the hell's this?" This is renamed a Cthulhuoid Dictionary.  It is a redress of the Devil's Dictionary Redux transported to contemporary times like RIGHT NOW.  That way, Old Bitter Bierce can keep the name of "Devil's Dictionary" for his own happy self wherever he is or was.  The reason for the first part of this moniker "Cthulhuoid" is 'cuz, as you've already noted in my entry, I've added a bits of forteana.  Not to worry, though, there will be more additional forteana in future dictionary entries.  Being Cthulhuoid has little to do with Dread Cthulhu himself.  It's simply about being above this sort of things that humanity has been wanting to do for years.

Abstinance-- An act of proclaiming your denials of ever incubating infants in record numbers at a high school church meeting where abstinance pledges are being made and broken.   Whereas your girlfriend is sitting at the platform behind you with your baby in her arms.  He's got your eyes and nose as a partial proof of parenthood.

Antisemitism-- A prejudice against Jews and Arabs, common among those of the white European descent.  Remember, Jews and Arabs are both semites.  Plus, the Jews and the Arabs are also rabidly antisemitic.  Hated each other for years, don't they?  Hell, they've been killing each other ever since.

Amateur--  Shoe bomber.  Underpants bomber.  Robbers who forget to don their ski masks when entering liquour stores but use cardboard boxes instead.  Instead of using firearms, use blow torch to demand cash, only to get chased by a clerk armed with a Hawaiian war club.  Hook the cable to the ATM, and connect it to the bumper of the Ford pick-up, then drive in order to rip open the machine to get at the cash.  Only to rip off the bumper of the truck instead, then leave it behind along with the license plate for the cops trace it to where you live.  Need we define it more?

Bermuda Triangle-- A disappearing act at the vanishing point.

Bigfoot-- An elusive fur coated bipedaled animal rumored to be ten feet tall.  Possibly a drunken guy dressed in a gorilla suit looking to get shot at by a number of desperate and nervous rednecks armed with deer rifles, 50 caliber cannons, and Saiga semiauto shotguns.  Hey, somebody's gotta protect his family.  You know?

Biphobia-- Two phobias, the hetero and the homo.  Both parties would kill him for being a sellout to either.  They fear loving both man and woman.  Of course, they'll hold off the killing till they could get him cured.  If successful, there won't be any killings.  No guarentees though!

Car accidents-- A type of wreakage done on smaller type of transportation due to drunk driving, stupidity, road rage, and lousy weather.

Damnation-- AKA "Darnation."  A state of being, where one is being constantly persecuted, harassed, threatened, raped, chased, shot at, beaten, cussed out, and just plain given dirty looks.  In other words, living in a hell on Earth.  This also applies to hypochondriacs, and others with persecution complex.

Deer-- A cute animal usually dumb enough to cross the street at night until, at the last minute, gets plowed into by a car or a truck.  Thus, the expression is born: "He sure had the look of a deer caught in the headlights."

Fuck-- An Anglo-Saxon verb that's roughly translated "To plant."  Used by Christopher Marlow back then.  Now vulgarized to mean something else, like procreation.  (See Proceation)  One wouldn't want to be caught dead trying to fuck a cactus when meant to plant it instead.

God-- A deity that does not play with dice.  Oh, yes, He does!  Someone just didn't want to admit it.

Heterophobia-- The art of suspecting, fearing, and trashing those not gay under every rock.

Homophobia-- The art of suspecting, fearing, and killing gays under every rock.

Hippocrate--  A Greek word for an actor who wears a mask on stage.  (See Hypocrisy)

Hypocrisy-- Say one thing, do something different.  Or put it this way, pretend you're very righteous and moral, then turn around when nobody's looking, and steal a kid's a lollipop, or screw your friend's wife when he's on vacation.  Or put it in another way, GOP politicians denounced the stimulus package as unworkable and a failure.  Then turn around, when (hopefully) nobody's looking, starting accepting stimulus money.  After all, they figured: "Gee, the stimulus package must be working.  Guess it's doing great for my home state."  But, uh, the MSNBC people are watching.  Even the Wall Street Journal.  Feels great being a hypocrite, huh?

I-- "The word 'I' does not exist" - Bruce Lee.   Sure, it does!  We, Homo Sapiens, are often very self-centered, and very introspective pricks.

Jay walking-- Instead of taking a ped cross walk at an intersection, you cross the street and hope to Cthulhu you won't get hit by a Greyhound bus coming at you in twenty miles per hour.  It's too late for the bus driver to say, "Oops."

Kangaroo Court-- A situation where everybody's in a great big hurry to leave the courthouse after a case nobody wants to know about, let alone try solving it.  Just look at the case, declare that guy guilty, then go home at the end of the day.  Screw the guy that didn't think this a fair trial.

Lay-Off-- An act of losing one's own job, causing resentment, anger, frustration, feelings of entitlements denied.  Therefore, a disgruntled gets his gun.

Lie-- A deception, a fraud, the opposite of truth.  Black lie, white lie, with certain shades of grey, makes no difference.  Bullshit is still bullshit.

Masturbation-- The practice of the dark lord over his own sexuality, his masterstroke.  In other words, a master of his own release.  (See Procreation)  But hey, who says women can't lord over her own release?  It's also a practice considered sinful 'cuz of failure to procreate, and have babies.  Therefore, somebody's going to Hell for that.

Nathering Nabobs of Negativity-- Tea Buggers.  (See Tea Bagger Movement)

Nukio Suckerpunch-- An abreviated slang for "a noogie of a sucker-punch."  Nothing Japanese here.  It's simply referred to an act of rubbing knuckles on one's noggins as if in a playfully manly affection then a punch to the back of one's head with a closed fist.  This maneuver is not to be confused with male bonding or any form of ritualized hazing.  It is this that the victim is made a sucker.  A classic metaphor is that of the GOP receiving Tea Baggers and other Libertarians with a "small government" and "pragmatic" political philosophy discussion.

Organism-- A state of existential being whose existence is simply ridiculous.

Paranoia-- Started back in the Cold War, Capitalist versus Communist.  Now, it's Middle Eastern terrorists.  We're getting worried about them being lawyered up and Mirandized.  It's okay under a Republican president.  But not so under the Democratic president!  Republicans never screw up.  Right?

Race-- Human race and the alien race have yet to make contact.  Consensus among humans the feelings of being ignored.  Consensus among the aliens has yet to be verified.  Still, no contact anytime soon.  Or if there is, it's time to sit down with your lawyer to draw up a will, in case things don't work out too good.

Racism-- (See Antisemitism.)  A belief system where one is superior than the other.  Yet, they refused to admit they're racists.

Recluse-- A person in seclusion.  World is a frightening and terrifying place.  And people are looking at you funny.  The horror!  The horror!  It's a reporter coming in from the rainfall.

Sasquatch--  (See Bigfoot)  Still haven't found him yet.

Sucker-- A victim who should know better.

Tea Baggers--  Also known as the Tea Party Movement.  They traced their ancestry to the Boston Tea Party during the days of the Revolutionary War.  They obviously didn't inspect their family tree closely enough.

Tea Bagger Movement-- Suckers gathering together for sheer frustration and stupidity.  If they grew brains, they'd be bringing in blacks and other ethnic minorities.  They too were frustrated with the government system.  (See Teabuggers)

Tea Buggers-- It's referred to an insect commonly known as a "Tea bug".  It sucks juices out of tea leaves thus rendering them to be brittle and useless.  Therefore, a Tea Bagger is a Tea Bugger.  The intelligence has been sucked out of them, thus rendering the movement useless.  Word has it the Tea Buggers at the meetings are discussing and searching for solutions.  Right.

Torture--  The interrogative art of inflicting physical, and psychological harm, then asking scary questions that won't guarentee accurate information.  But they'll make you squawk nonetheless! 

Truth-- Opposite of lie, falsehood, and fraud.  What is true is in the eye of the beholder.  What you want to believe, is what is true.  Perception is everything.  Even the lie can be true, regardless of overwhelming evidence to the contrary.  In other words, even if it's bullshit, believe it anyway.  And no, truth does not set anyone free.

Unidentified Flying Objects i.e. UFOs-- We don't know shit what's flying up in the skies.  We just forgot our binoculars, and zoom len cameras.

Utopia--  A Latin word for "nowhere" or "no place".  An elusive paradise where very few ever found them, like with Shangrila, Shambala, Atlantis, and other lost fantasy paradiso.  However, anyone who had discovered them, never did come back.

Weasal-- A politician; a con artist; an untrustworthy asshole.

Xenophobia-- A phobia that enables one to worry he'll lose his job working in the sewers to a foreigner that's supposedly all hot to get it, having no idea what this dirty work entails.

Yeti-- Our oxygen starved brains are telling us we're seeing big fat furry guys romping around up the high mountain slope.

Zero-- A number that begins and ends exactly where it began.  When we begin, then we end and go back to the beginning, just to start over.

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