I just don't know. Here I am again. Always flailing. Always failing. Always struggling just to be. Floundering. Alone. A failure at work, a failure at home, a failure at life. Yet on the surface, you'd never know. I feel alone even though I have many friends. I feel unsatisfied even though… Read full post »

i want my husband to love me. to really, really love me. to be in love with me. still. after all these years. to look at me and still feel something deep inside. i want him to look at me and think how lucky he is that he married someone so amazing. i want… Read full post »

Sometimes I get down. I get that woe is me feeling. I start thinking that somehow everyone else's life is better than mine. And I don't really mean everyone, but my friends, my acquaintances, the people in my little word. I starting feeling like things are so hard for me, that… Read full post »

I'm so tired of driving the bus, but I'm starting to realize that I am the only one who is going to do it. Someone might take the wheel from time to time, for a few miles, grant me a small reprieve, but for the most part, it's me. I'm the driver. I'm the… Read full post »

just when you think youre on the edge, when you're fairly certain you just cant take any more, that you can't handle one more thing, it comes. it comes when you least expect. it 's there. pressing  down on you. suffocating you. making it very hard to breathe. cant find any air. cant… Read full post »

As I've mentioned, my youngest daughter, who is 5, is not the best sleeper. Every night, somene lies with her until she falls asleep. And at least two or three times a week, she wakes up in the middle of the night to come into our bed. This routine can be… Read full post »

It's not really any easier. At least not for me. I feel like it's getting easier for everyone else. Except for me. Maybe it's true. Maybe it's not. I really don't know nor do I care because that's how I feel. I feel like it just keeps getting harder. 

My… Read full post »

Simmering below the surface, though not buried quite deep enough, is where you will find my anger, or as is more often the case, - my rage.  Sometimes it plays nice; staying hidden, lying dormant; daring not to make a sound.  And other times, it just explodes with a force so power… Read full post »

I'm wearier than I should be. This much I know. I should be able to cope, to do it all, to handle it. In truth, it's not that much. And I'm not just saying that. It really and truly isn't. I get that. It's just the day-to-day and compared to many,… Read full post »

The end of 2010 wasn't so great for me and my family. My sweet nephew, who would've been 5 this month, passed away after just a four month battle with brain cancer. There's nothing good to say about that part of it, really. Not a damn thing. BUT, I do have… Read full post »

It's been so long since I blogged that I couldn't even remember my password. Of course, this isn't a surprise. I'm not usually big on the follow through, and truthfully, I'm not even sure why I'm blogging now or if I even have anything to say. I am, however, sitting on… Read full post »

I don't really know why I'm sharing this song or for whose benefit I am posting it, but this is a Dylan song that I just really, really love. And if you don't know it, you really should give it a try. It's pretty perfect. For so many reasons.

And… Read full post »

Today I'm feeling lost and kind of down and a bit weepy. Well, I don't even know if it's today. Frankly, I didn't wake up feeling this way, and nothing specific actually happened, but suddenly, out of nowhere, I'm feeling it. It's not quite the funk. It's not even a mini-funk.  Not at… Read full post »

So you know when youre feeling really fat and you have to go out and you try on all the clothes in your closet and maybe you can squeeze yourself into them but they feel really tight and you worry whether youre going to be uncomfortable all night or if you… Read full post »

I have work to do, lots and lots of work to do - some , or rather most, of which I cant seem to get done at work. This has always been a problem of mine. When Im at work, I just dont feel much like working, perhaps because my job is… Read full post »

I sometimes joke that I used to be a dog in another life. Because I love to be pet.  A pat on the head, a rub on the belly, a scratch on the back, and I am one happy girl. To be clear, I only like these things from a select few - my… Read full post »

My nephew, who is just 4, is dying of a brain tumor. It's inoperable. It's in his brain stem. It's apparently the most dreaded diagnosis in pediatric oncology. Diffuse Intrinsic Pontine Glioma. No one offers any real hope.  No one.

He was a perfectly healthy little boy and then one… Read full post »

I'm a lawyer, which if you knew me, isn't at all what you'd think I'd be.  I like to say that I'm a type C person stuck in a type A world. I'd been looking for a job for a while because I had essentially, although not technically, been laid off… Read full post »

I was never the type of person who liked being by herself. Perhaps it's because I am an only child.  I always had lots of friends, but spent a fair amount of time home alone. I hated it. I loved when my parents came home from work, was happy to go… Read full post »

some days i'm just so tired. like really, really tired. like when jules says to billy in st. elmos's fire that she never thought she'd be so tired at 22. except that unlike jules, im 36, and married, and have two kids, and am trying to find a new job. in some ways, i… Read full post »

I'm very lucky. I have good friends. Really good friends. Friends I've known since I was in first grade; friends I've grown up with; friends who've seen me through barbies and boyfriends and  braces and bad hair cuts and break-ups; friends I've laughed and cried with; friends who've seen me… Read full post »

I've never been a big fan of Ted Olson. It's been years and I still can't think about Bush v. Gore without getting sick. But today, I think Olson rocks. Big time. And David Boies? Well, he rocks too for being able to move past that case and team up with… Read full post »

 I admit it. I don't that much about Anthony Weiner. But from what I've seen so far in this video, I like him. I like him a lot. I like his passion. In fact, I love it. I love that he wasn't afraid to get up and call out the Republicans… Read full post »

I never wanted to have one of those blogs where all I talked about was mommy stuff but that does seem to take up the greater part of my days so here I am talking about it all again. So today was of course another long day. We cant seem to… Read full post »

Ive been doing pretty okay staying out of the funk. At least the deep funk. But it's always there. Lurking. And on a day to day basis, sometimes it's hard to find ways to hide from it, especially since Im not working (outside the home) right now. I recognize that Im… Read full post »