"Kenny, I got to tell you something." "Yes Mam, what ya' need?" "You know my gray car?" I didn't know her gray car because she doesn't own a gray car, but I wanted to keep here calm. "Yes Mam. What about it?"
"There was some boy who wanted to rent it, or something, and he didn't bring my car back" Do you know him?" Again, I didn't know him or the car, so I said "Yeah, I know him. I know where the car is too. I'll get it from him and have it back in your driveway tomorrow, OK?"
"Thank you Kenny, I've been worried to death about my car all day?" I kissed her and left the hospital room.
Since Monday my 82-year old mother-in-law has had a break from reality. This was the first time she had recognized me in a month. I think this was only because my wife and her sister had to take out IVC (Involuntary Commitment) papers, and I drove her to the hospital and told her she would only be here a day or two.
Lies. Everything is lies when you deal with people with Alzheimer's. To my wife, having to have her own mother committed was the hardest thing she has ever had to do and the tears were flying. A smart mouth nurse felt the wraith of a redhead when she had the nerve to say to my wife "You want to just throw her off on us?" Of course not, but where's the recourse? What else can we do? She has fallen through the cracks.
As I write this, my mother-in-law is being tied down to a bed at our local hospital. She has finally gone off the reservation. The reservation where you need 24/7 eyes on you for every moment of everyday.
Wednesday, she disappeared walking and luckily a man she knew brought her to her daughters house. It could as just as easily been a bad man. Thursday she left out the back door and had to be hunted down. It took 2 hours to find her. My wife and her sister took her to the hospital, but they can do nothing for dementia patients. Nothing.
Yesterday, after being up all night at the hospital, her daughter left her alone for just a few minutes and she was gone again. She was found this time in a bad part of town, in the hot sun with a hurt foot. She had pulled all the kitchen drawers out and left walking again. She seems to have super-human strength at times. She refuses go to a nursing home and even with a letter from her doctor that says she is a danger to herself and others, the hospital can do nothing.
They said she had a urinary tract infection last night so they could keep her there. At 4:00 a.m. this morning she went nuts and they had to strap her down to keep her in bed and Terri is there now. No one, not her doctor, the nursing homes, the police or Medicare have a place for this wonderful woman.
Alzheimer's or dementia is not a sickness and it is not an addiction. Just because she can't be left alone for one second out of a 24 hour day does not mean she can be hospitalized. According to the doctor, even though she has both Medicare and Medicaid, it is fraud for him to admit her to a hospital without being sick.
So, she had a urinary tract infection that was cured last week that got her admitted. If they can keep her 3 days, with no restraints for the last 8 hours and if there is a bed in the over-crowded nursing homes that keep people physically locked up, maybe next week she will be safe from hurting herself or others.
Right now, she has bruises all over her body. She has been taking blood thinners so long, every bump is a bruise and walking down the hot roads and stepping in holes and off of curbs has her feet swollen. Yet, she can walk for miles without getting tired. She sneaks out like a thief in the night, thinking her family is the enemy and is holding her hostage. She wants to go home, yet she's in the same home she's been in for the last 25 years.
Doctor: How did you get here?
Her: My husband (dead over 40 years) brought me.
Doctor: Where do you live?
Her: With my mother, I have to go home. (she's 82, her mother died many years ago)
Doctor: Do you know what month it is?
Her: March?
on and on and on and on and on and on and one and on and on nothing is real anymore. Nothing is real and everything is a Lie.
This could very well be your future or my future or a loved ones future. What in the hell do you do?
TIP:
Enter the amount, and click "Tip" to submit!
Steven Bridenbaugh
M. C. S.
Yagoda- Yezhov
Steve Kenny
Lyle Elmgren
sandra wyllie
Salon.com
Comments
What you can do for your own family is to get your own ducks in row... not something anyone wants to do but something we all need to do as time goes by.
You are describing my mother and so many others.
It is the plague of the elderly.
I am sorry for this.
These are trying times, my friend, and I wish you and Terri strength and loving patience.
I wish people would not think that nursing homes are evil. People take one look at all the crazy people in wheelchairs at the entrance and they panic. But once you work in one you will see miracles. You will see people getting cared for who no one else can handle. No one. I have helped so many people and their loved ones deal with this kind of thing that I wish I could be there to help you and Teri.
My best wishes and hope that things are ok in the future. Don't bother to try to find the right nursing home. Just get one close to you so you can visit. They are all terrible on the outside. It is whatever you make it and when you get the bed make it as nice as you can and settle in. Turn on the tv and just watch the human parade. I thank this modern world for the drugs that are available.
Well, actually I do have one piece of advice for you, but it's more about you than about logistics:
Keep writing. It is one of the things that will keep you sane. Trust me on that; I'm unfortunately in a position to know.
All my love and prayers to your family,
rated with love
I hope the redhead taught her a lesson she won’t soon forget…
Also, this on YouTube: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NKDXuCE7LeQ
Old Man In Nursing Home Reacts To Hearing Music From His Era
Music is the Quickening Art-Kant
PS WTH is with that nurse?!
She's beautiful. I've worked with elderly people on and off for years. This is ringing a bell for me. I have some advice if you are interested?
First try to get her to a gerontologist-the medicine and the infection might be causing the problem. Doctors forget how little elderly women can weight. At least get 2 doctors to agree about the diagnosis. If my memory was better I could tell you why it sounds so familiar. The same thing happened to a client I think. It was not Alzheimer's or demetia but the medicine and an infection. That's my two cents. Hope it turns out well.
I was a care giver for dementia patients for 3 years in Phoenix, until you can get her into a facility, there are a few things you can do, and I've helped families do this.
Go to a medical supply store for special "alarms". They will know exactly what you need. You place them above her reach on all the doors. You can turn it off before you open the door, but she won't be able to figure it out. If she opens a door, the alarm will go off. Same thing goes for her bed. You stick one of these same alarms on her bed post, and then the other end is clipped to the back of her pajamas. If she gets up, it disconnects and the alarm goes off, so you know she is up and out of bed.
Insurance does not cover it, but you might want to think of hiring a caregiver to come over for two hours a day, to make sure she is ok, clean up, take her to the grocery store (or for an ice cream) and she will leave a record everyday. She has access to the company nurse, and will call whoever is listed when she finds something wrong, or her behavior worsening (or getting better).
They cost at least $25 hour/but it would give your wife a few hours peace a day, knowing her mom is safe.
Best of luck to you, her mom is still in there, and they are always confused, and you are very correct in not arguing, just go along with what ever they are talking about.
And that nurse should be shot!
All the prayers and best to your family. Just hang tough, stay with it. You'll get through it. All the best, Scanner.
Being of sound mind, rational and fully aware of the consequences, I'll never go through what your mom-in-law is going through. I can't get any agreement as to how aware a person in her circumstances really is about her situation. I cannot trust that I'll recognize that I'm ill and have become totally irresponsible. I have tried to take care of that possibility (probability?). I have devised ways to test myself. Any time I fail my tests for a week running, I'll do what ought to be done.
THE BEND IN THE ROAD
There is a bend in the road ahead.
It beckons me.
Is it the Final Bend?
Long have I journeyed!
Aeons have spent themselves
As I made my way through all the Lands of Life.
My companions now are few;
Most have, reluctantly it seems, gone on ahead.
I feel not worn nor tired of this world.
It beckons though, that bend. O how it beckons!
My step is firm, I will not lag;
Not hesitate nor hold back from fate.
I rejoice that I have known Life;
That I am clay, made self-aware.
Yet every journey runs its course
And clay returns to clay.
Eyes open, heart full of joy, I approach the Bend.
My mind, my soul, leap forward!
It is my time
To re-unite with the Universe.
.
Geez this is hard to think about..
Hope things get better soon...
“Lies. Everything is lies when you deal with people with Alzheimer's”
Not exactly “lies”. Truth is variable.Truth, even if it is Untruth, is a process.
One can calm an Alzheimer’s patient by following their fallacious logic.
To a good end.
The fact that the medical establishment will tell you that she is totally unable to communicate is a damn lie. Her husband. Yeah? What was he wearing, my dear gal? How did he look?
By God, these old people have been fountains of wisdom in the past, when they had their wits. They contributed mightily to “Society”. Now they are weak and tired in the Head….but never ever illogical….there is logic in them….i say this because my father
Suffered
From this ..alzheimer’s…
I was fortunate enough to be what Society calls an “unfortunate”, a wrecked boychild,
At home…
Tending my Father. And my mother. I regret not one f-ing instant of it.
They said dad had alzheimers. Me and mom wondered at this. He still knew us! He didn’t wander!
Ok, sorry he’s got vascular dementia..they said, two yrs later………….
Wandering, some poor souls do, I know. But where, we must investigate, are they going? Why?
No human being becomes unhuman even in dire illness. There is always a reason, no matter how unreasonable, for actions…
Train people to deal with this.
Lock em down, the poor wanderers, til they do not need to wander.
I really believe it can be done…we f-ing owe it to our old folks.
…………………………
Me: dad!
Dad: jimbo! What?
You got dementia!
Oh dear! What can we do about it?
Doctors.
Ach, hate em. They want money, that is all.
Well, they got good drugs for it, your confusion, yknow…
Oh ? drugs? I do not approve of drugs.
Well, this is more like medicine.
Medicine? Hm. Alright, jim , I will do it , if you say so………
Arg.
I don't think that nurse is in the right profession - she doesn't have any empathy - it's all about her. At people's most difficult moments, for her to say something like that!
And for the nurse and her poor judgment.. not an excuse but an explanation perhaps. Dumping such family members 'off' on the care of hospitals and nursing homes is exactly what some do. The nurse has no way - yet - to determine whether you and Terri are of that kind or not. Doesn't excuse her poor judgment in speaking the thought but I can understand her frustration :(.
Hang in Kenny, you and Terri both.. we're pulling for you.
As for falling through the cracks of 'the system'..
Rated for tell me about it.
You do what you can do. Wishing you much strength and a bit of humor (cos if you don't laugh you'll start crying and never stop).
Second, ScanMan, I'm very sorry to hear this. It seems there ARE no good solutions. My Dad, while confused at the end, still knew who and where he was; my Mum died many years ago. I cannot imagine how devastating this is.
My best to Terri, and to you.