1. Your main trait: No one can make a White Russian better than the Dude. I use a secret ingredient. I stir it with my finger and who knows where the hell that's been.
2. The quality you like best in a man: Scarcity. I really like the ladies more than most men, but I got a couple of guys I would kill for, like the ScanMan. He's one righteous Dude, I'll tell ya.
3. The quality you like best in a woman: She has to be able to use a blender, first and foremost, and then, a good paying job never hurts, ya know. The Dude has a bad back, and can't Abide working, although the Dude has money, don't get me wrong.
4. Your main flaw: Flaw? Well, I'll have to get back to you on that one. Flaw, huh? Hah!
5. Last time you cried: Right before I started answering these dumb fucking questions Scanner sent me. I swear, I love the guy, but he can be a pain in the ass at times, ya know?
6. Ideal job: Job? Again, I'll have to get back with you on that one. Job, Huh, hah!
7. Scent of a place: I remember riding in a van one time, and someone, I have no idea who at the moment, ya know, but they fired up some Thai Stick and I'll never forget that smell. The high wasn't bad either.
8. Beloved movie: I love an old movie that the Bridges dude was in, called "Thunderbolt and Lightfoot". Clint Eastwood is in it, but that Bridges dude really steals the show. I said then, he would win an Oscar one day, and what happens...,? People say he looks like me, but I don't see the resemblance. He has some really fucked up hair.
9. Book on the nightstand: I don't own a nightstand.
10. First and best kiss: Man, this is really some silly shit, Who made this up, Rosie O'Donnell? The first one and the last one are the best one, of course.
11. You couldn’t do without: Well, the Dude can survive and abide in a nuclear war, but when the shit hits the fan, a White Russian and a joint would be in the running.
12. How you would like to die: I wouldn't.
13. Song you sing in the shower. Man, come'on, man. Everyone knows, the Dude Bathes, man, it's common knowlege. I have the bath salts and the candles and a pitcher full of Russians. I've been know to stay in a hot tub all day long. Just keep the water hot and the Ruskie's coming.
14. Your deadly sin: I once shot a man in Reno, just to watch him die. No, wait.., than was Johnny Cash. Does having a threesome with two underage twins count. They said they were eighteen, and well, my dick believed them.
15. Your not-so-deadly sin: I've sold and smoked enough dope to buy and sale Mexico. Well, Peru anyway.
16. Your motto: Never put off until tomorrow what I can con someone into doing for me today. Ya' know, with my bad back and all, physical labor is out. That's the reason for the reefer, for medicinal purposes only, of course. The White Russians help the pot keep me in an even groove. It ain't easy abiding all the time, I'll tell ya.
17. Ideal first date: What time ya' get off, hah~`
18. Favorite present:I was given a very special rug one time and some jerk-offs just broke into my house and pissed on it. This cannot stand. Justice has to be melted , melded,,,,ah, paid, ya know.
19. In the train: What fuckin' train?
What would you change in your body: In my body? How the hell would I know? I may have cancer or something, so, ahh, sure, I'd change that. But on my body, I have a tattoo I got when I got a little tipsy in Tijuana and it's in a very weird place, and man, I wish I could remove it. Women look at it as it grows into the Statue of Liberty.
21. Your addiction: I have none. I'm like a priest,,no., don't write that, damn, put down Monk, priests are having a very bad name right now, ya' think?
22. Now on your left: Left of what?
23. Now on your right: Right of what?
24. Now in front of you: You're in front of me. You on something? Give up the acid and 'roomes before they turn you brains to mush. I escaped just in time, and now, I'm back in my right mine, chiding and abiding~
25. Now behind you: Whoa, who's behind me? Somebody might get hurt coming up behind the Dude. I know my shit man. I have the skills, if you get my drift. I had a green belt one time in the six grade, and I still remember that shit.
26. Names for your children: Hey, the Dude had that taken care of a long time ago, no rugrats for the Dude. I have a hard enough time feeding the Dude. I damn sure can't feed some crumbsnatchers, ya' know?
27. 3 things in your purse (my favorite things): I ain't got on purse, but when I was rifling through yours, I see you have a lot of credit cards and not much cash. Living off the plastic, huh? That's how they get you, make you run up debts then take your house or your car. That's the reason the Dude is off the grid, ya know. I don't need no 'govement looking over my shoulder, ya know?
28. 3 places that fascinate you:The bathroom is number one. I get on my throne and that's where the magic happens. I also get some ideas. Number two is the bowling alley. Bowling to most people is just, bowling, man. But, to me, bowling is life. Strikes and gutters you know. Sometimes you'll knock down eight pens, but they're split, ya' know. So, life is like that, ya' know. Fouth.., no, no Third, is any beach in the world, man. I love the beach, especially at night. Build a little fire, drink a few brewskies and smoke a doobie or two. Just stare out at the waves and the moon. I saw my first UFO on a beach one night. I won't get into it now, but it's safe to say, I was beamed up. I'll save the rest for the book, ya' know, but it happened, or I ain't the Dude.
29. 3 people you’d like to meet: I've already met them. The Dude don't get starry-eyed over movie stars or brain trusts. I like ordinary people, people like Donny and Walter, who would kill for me, and vice versa. I have a lot of people wanting my autograph and I just can't give it to them. It's all to fake, ya' know, to trade in your soul for a little money or fame.
30. 3 traits you hate in people: People who ask too many questions, for one. People who have food in their teeth really freak me out. What do you do, say, "hey, you got food in your teeth". AAHHaaa. OK, third. Ignorance. Man, I don't care what party is in office, or who you vote for or what your politcial persuasion is. But to blindly follow these fuckin' talkin' heads on TV and not do any research or even read a newspaper, but stand around and bitch and moan about the way the world sucks is wrong. You don't need much education to Goggle something, or go to the library and ask for someone to explain something to you. I know homeless street people who know more of what's going on in this country than 90% of the high school and college grads, who will only march when it affects them. 10 years of war, and no one cares, but when they graduate college and don't have a $60,000 job waiting on them, they Occupy something. Give the Dude a break, shit man!
31. Values inherited from your parents: Shyness~
32. In your past life you were: I was the King of Enland, King Tut, Ernest Hemmingway and Jeffrey Dahmer. What kind of question is that. Everyone is always from royalty or something. Somebody had to be pushing those fucking boulders up in the sky to build the pyramids. Somebody had to row the boats and ships that were crossing the oceans. Somebody had to clean the shit up in those fancy motels before we had indoor plumbing. How come no one ever admits they came from these people. Look, the Dude don't have all the answers, but I do know one thing. We all gonna die and who you were and what you were won't means a flipping burger's ass then.
33. In your future life you’ll be: Dead as the proverbial doorbell. If there is an afterlife and you make it, look me up. I'll be kicked back on a beach in Tahiti where the women don't wear no tops and the White Russians never stop. Aloha~~