As many of you may have read recently (while gasping in shock), Arizona’s woman-hating Republican governor, Jan Brewer, signed into law a new “20 week ban” on abortions.
Why should you be shocked you ask, when so many other states have similar laws? Because, this law is the only one in the entire country that defines pregnancy as beginning two weeks before a woman actually conceives, on the first day of her last period. So in other words, before a woman even has a chance to get over the bloating, wash out her period panties, and pour herself enough chardonnay to consider having unprotected sex, in the eyes of
Satan the governor of Arizona, she’s already pregnant.
This 20 week date is especially critical because it is the first point in a pregnancy when a doctor can identify the most serious birth defects through ultrasound. These ultrasounds may alert an eager young mother to the fact that her baby has Anencephaly, for example, and will be born with a fully functioning heart and lungs – but no brain; or Tay Sachs disease, in which that innocent child will develop painful seizures before it turns six months old, and will shortly become blind, deaf, paralyzed, and eventually die a painful terrifying death at the tender age of four.
Imagine being told your unborn baby has one of these horrible conditions, then a moment later being told you have until dinnertime to decide if you want to continue with the pregnancy… By starting the pregnancy clock on the first day of a woman’s last period as part of the 20-week ban on abortions, that’s exactly what this law does.
But, as with most poorly thought-through decisions, it does something else that could ultimately change the lives and fortunes of women across the state.
If this law insists that a woman, any woman, is pregnant two weeks before she conceives -- and inconceivably it does -- then every egg in our ovaries is by default, a person, at least in the eyes of Ms. Brewer and her kowtowing band of Arizonian legislators.
And if I am home to hundreds of thousands of ‘people’, then it seems only fair that I make their existence legitimate, and take responsibility for securing them the rights they so richly deserve. Which is why I am officially incorporating both of my ovaries as cities in the sunny state of Arizona.
Welcome to Ovaria (and West Ovaria)
These delightful new communities are bursting with opportunity. Admittedly, our square mileage is small, and infrastructure is limited to a single one-way road directly out of town -- don’t forget to turn your headlights on when you enter Fallopian Parkway. But despite these limitations, we boast a huge community of eager residents, anxiously awaiting the journeys that their newly defined life has in store for them.
While the census has yet to be taken, I estimate we have a combined population of 367,000, give or take a few hundred, which makes us substantially larger than Scottsdale, Tempe or Yuma.
And unlike our neighbors, who derive most of their income from tourism, corporate conferences, and plastic surgery for aging debutants, we rely almost solely on pharma production for our bread and butter. Both Ovaria and West Ovaria produce a steady supply of estrogen and progesterone, while a few smaller manufacturers dabble in testosterone. However, the boom times ended several years back, and the lack of job training among residents is reeking havoc on our current economy.
Despite the fact that the age of the average Ovarian is mid-40s – they have all been here since before I was born after all – job experience is shockingly low, and jobless rates are staggering. I blame the public school system. Arizona’s educational administration invests so much time and funding into abstinence programs and terrorizing any child who looks remotely Hispanic, that they really fall short on the three Rs.
And while I wouldn’t technically call anyone in Ovaria homeless, quarters are cramped. Tucking 367,000 people into two small municipalities the size of a pair of cocktail olives is no small feat. And despite the fact that someone moves out about once a month, I anticipate that our numbers will hold steady for at least another decade.
As the mayor of these struggling young cities – that’s right, I’m the mayor, I won the elections by default as I am the only member of either town with a fully developed brain or the functioning fingers necessary to sign important municipal paperwork – I will immediately petition the governor of our fair state for unemployment funds, state grants for capital improvements, and student financial assistance for all. Because if the state of Arizona is going to go to the trouble of declaring the contents of my ovaries ‘people’ then they must also be willing to support these people for the rest of their tiny lives.
Granted, even with state aid, many of them will end up alone, floating down some sewer after being kicked out of town by a bloody mob – it’s become a monthly tradition. And the rest will eventually shrivel up and die, right there in their own homes, when the estrogen and progesterone mills finally shut down.
But still, as citizens of the proud State of Arizona they have rights, and I as their mayor will fight for those rights.
Governor Brewer, you created these people. Your small-minded laws made it possible for Ovaria to exist, so what are you going to do to enable your new citizens to prosper?
And more importantly, how will you be addressing the needs of the billions of other young citizens who you’ve recently brought to personhood? Every woman in your state is the potential mayor of her own Ovaria (though they’ll have to choose another name).
Sure this may all sound ridiculous, and (thankfully) I don’t actually reside in the backward state of Arizona. But when leaders enact crazy laws to force people to bow to their will, the world quickly becomes just this absurd. I get what Ms. Brewer is trying to do. She’s anti-choice, and she’s twisting the law to make it as difficult as possible for women to make an already horrible decision. But in doing so, she turned my ovaries into metropoli.
Arizona, stop making asinine laws intended to crush our reproductive rights. It’s ugly, it’s stupid, and the poorly considered consequences of these actions could eventually bankrupt you all.