Geez... When I melt down I do a good job of it don't I?
I'm keeping this post so that I can save all of your comments because they are all so kind and it is comforting to go back over them. I am deleting that "spew" I wrote because, quite honestly, it embarrasses the hell out of me now in the bright light of day.
Sorry, for the "brain dump" I just needed to know that there were other people out there who knew I existed and cared. Y'all did that in spades and I am eternally grateful to each and every one of you.
BTW, before logging in the AM, I went and had a little talk with my Suzy, out by her tree. The analytical/Borg side of me occasionally says that she's not really there, but the emotional/human side of me knows that she is. Anyways, we had another REALLY good cry this morning.
She was always the "touchy-feeling" one of us and she helped me "get" what caused this most recent melt down (in a long line of freak'in melt downs). Most of it was simply her being gone for 6 months at the end of July and ME doing everything in my power to ignore the fact, as opposed to acknowledging it and dealing with it. HA! I should have known. My Suzy was NEVER one for being ignored! She wasn't about to accept me getting a "Grief Extension" like she was a bunch of tax forms. The girls INSISTS on being filed on time!
She also explained that there were a couple of other "trigger" things going on too. The relationship between my best friend and I has become strained and I'm worried about how a friend from here is REALLY doing (PSM: Like I told you, I sic'ed my Suzy on your ass, so you are really gonna get it now!)
Oh well, my girls are going to be coming back from "camping" this PM and are bringing everyone else along so that they can go swimming. That means I need to play life guard and at least attempt to do the mom thing (at least as far as the cookies and juice part).
Just let me say one more time, "Thank you all for being there for me when I needed/need/will need you. People can say whatever they like about that the internet isn't real, but I'll tell them to kiss my ass, because the caring and support I've gotten from you all is as real as hell.
'Sides, my Suzy told me it was! ;~)
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Comments
I'm going to tell you to cry as much as you can and then cry some more. Your tears need to flow... There are an awful lot of people here for you. I'm glad you put this out here. Big hugs.
Thoughts are with you tonight, Amy!
Please know that you are loved from someone far away, and, I'm here to listen anytime.
((HUG))
You have lots of friends here, Amy. You're not alone and you have and do love, therefore you are worthy of love. I heard that someplace and I know for a fact it's true.
Go kill some hay bales! :)
Big hugs.
Mommy, daddy, whatever, I'm tired of words that are cages. You are the person who takes care of them. You protect them and you stayed with them. Why would you ever believe you aren't worth loving when someone like her loves you so much.
Why would you ever believe you aren't worth loving when you love so damn well, Suzy knew. You honor her when you cry for her. You honor yourself by caring for your children even though you think you suck at it. I'm so sorry she's gone, I'm glad you're still here Amy.
"Don't worry about a thing,
'Cause every little thing gonna be all right.
Singin': "Don't worry about a thing,
'Cause every little thing gonna be all right!"
Rise up this mornin',
Smiled with the risin' sun,
Three little birds
Pitch by my doorstep
Singin' sweet songs
Of melodies pure and true,
Sayin', ("This is my message to you-ou-ou:") [Bob Marley]
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LanCLS_hIo4
-R-
There's nothing I can say except cry it out and hopefully you'll feel better tomorrow.
BB
But cry... cry. Sorry much :(
My point is that your are normal. Your feelings are normal. I'm sending you a big hug. xo
~big hug~
Just kidding, put the baseball bat away!!!
P.S. you're human, with emotions, that's good...when you don't feel that emotional response, then worry!!! ~another hug~
You are worthy of love and you will find it again someday, somewhere, and somehow.. You just don't know it now..
The hurt will take time.. Suzy still loves you and she is still with you, right there in your heart, and in your mind. If you look closely she is in your daughters. She really hasn't left you, but only left the earth..
Let it be silent and listen... to the gentle breeze, the silent whispers in the air... you will feel her then and there..
{{{{HUGE HUGS}}}}
And I'm sorry.
Maybe the girls need to let go more too, showing your emotions is okay. Take Care, Safe_Bet's Amy.
You miss her, it isn't fair she isn't here with you anymore, although I feel she is still with you.
I wish there were something I could do or say to help.
I'm sorry, I hope you feel better today, hug those girls tight.
Send you hugs and love dear... we all are beautiful
The universe is the stupid bitch, not you.
Glad you got to talk to your Suzy this morning. ((more hugs for you))
Sweet Feet. Yes!
People can care.
Empathy is good.
We can transcend.
Hurt can yield fruit.
Enhanced Inner grace.
It is to be true and real.
Commenters send virtue.
It's beyond all languages.
I say` loved and embrace.
It's okay to cry like a baby.
I say` O Believe. Anticipate.
If a heart is right we'll know.
Knowing is a inner cleansing.
Folks can love and bath too.
I mean`Feel Nature` Loves.
Nature love stinky feet too.
I smell like scallop seafood.
But, love no do smell stink?
I hope my feet no do smell?
I no change socks for weeks.
I afraid my armpit got odor?
I knows I smell terrible too.
I didn't know what to say?
Just believe in the `Good.
May time ease your pain; may memories bring you comfort; may friends and family bring you strength and love; and, may all of these bring you peace.