I am Amy and I don't know most of you, but I need to tell you that our Suzy is gone. 

When we went to bed last Saturday night, she told me she wasn’t feeling too well.  I held her in my arms and rocked my baby to sleep.  Just before she fell asleep, she told me that her life had been more wonderful than most people’s who lived to 100 and that she had no regrets.  I told her to shush and not talk like that because she was going to be around for years to come.  I can’t help but feel that somehow she knew. 

Sunday morning she wouldn’t wake up even though it was clear that she was in pain.  I called the ambulance and she was taken to the hospital and was admitted by our family MD.  He was in constant contact with Suzy’s specialists at the Mayo, but they could only suggest that they increase her pain meds to make her more comfortable. 

I think the nurses “cheated,” but they moved the other person out of her room and let the kids and I stay with her.  She woke up a couple of times and got to boss us all around one last time and made all of us crawl into bed with her and hug her till she fell asleep again. Her breathing started to decrease after a couple of hours so I had one of our neighbors pick up the girls.  I wanted the girl’s last memory of their mommy to be of her hugging them. 

I stayed and held her.  Suzy woke up one last time, kissed me, told me she loved me “an uber bunch” and fell asleep for the last time.  She passed away a couple of hours later.  

I’m writing this because she wanted me to.  She also made me promise to use her blog to vent and rant even if it made me feel stupid spilling my guts to a bunch of strangers.  She knew me so well. 

I might as well start now.   

I miss her so much.  I’d join her right now if it weren’t for the kids.  She wasn’t my soul-mate, she was my entire soul.  She was my life and now my life is gone.   

Fuck, I hate crying in front of the kids.  They are reminding me of her.  I’m supposed to be the strong one for them, but it’s the other way around.  They keep hugging me and telling me that their mommy is in a better place and isn’t hurting anymore.  I know her pain hurt them as much as it did me.  We even shared a smile when Tina said, “I bet mommy is skipping through heaven right now and is all proud of herself for telling god everything that he screwed up big time.” 

I never completely understood how she could become so attached to you people, but she was.  There are some of you that she left words for, but I’ll just have to get to them later.