with my arm around the moon...

roseincarolina

roseincarolina
Location
North Carolina,
Birthday
June 28
Bio
Buddhist, seeking, awakening... Currently spending much of my time swinging wildly between hope and fear.

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NOVEMBER 12, 2009 6:44PM

I'm weary today

Rate: 13 Flag

...from too many errors in judgment, too many lonely days and nights.  I haven't yet figured out how to be middle-aged, wise and content.  I have the middle-aged part down, though.

I wonder if other people sometimes feel that the older they get, the less they know. At times I look back on my youth as a time when I had more wisdom: the wisdom of hope and curiosity, the energy to pursue new learning and adventures.  These days, the energy to slog through a work-day seems to be all I have.  

I wish tonight for someone to come home to.  The proverbial light in the window would be so nice! Right now I just don't have the energy to light my own lamp. 

Author tags:

weariness, loneliness

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Ah, what a beautiful last line. And, yes, I know this feeling well, of getting older and feeling I know less. I used to have such CLARITY! and decisiveness! Not always the right decision, but what glory to know exactly what I wanted to do next! Keep on swinging Miss Tarheel and the fear will eventually disappear into a whirling dust.
I feel that way just about every day . . . weekends are better ;0)
Harriet and Dorinda, thank you. I feel less lonely now!
The dilemma of being drained from work and yet needing energy to have a life. I wrote a whole fucking book on that :) It's a tough spot to be in.
You are singing in my choir I hear and feel every word you write.
If it were not for the strength, humor and wisdom of my friends I'd be lost today. Even my pen pal friends whom I've never had the pleasure to meet across my table for tea have brought me comfort and a good chuckle. Laughter has always been my best medicine even in my darkest of days....
I know just how you feel!
i never believed the saying
'the more you learn the more questions you have'
it is so true---i feel dumber everday because i learned

being alone is my least favorite thing
an old saying.. "youth is wasted on the young"
Im not saying I agree.
in materialism, every day you try to obtain something new.
in zen, every day you throw something out.
I definitely know less today than I did back in the day. You sound just worn out - weary and lonely. Wish I could just wave a wand for you and everything would be better.
Harry, yes...even if you love your work, it's not enough, especially as we get older.

Lunchlady, I am happy to be in your choir, even if my voice is only a croak right now!

Splendid, it feels like I have a whole crowd of friends here tonight, and that is wonderful.

Mary, thanks for this wise and lovely comment.

Mark, it is good to know I'm not alone in these feelings. Somehow it helps.

wschanz, being alone is my least favorite thing, too.

vzn, I appreciate this quote about materialism and zen. I will be pondering it for a long time.
Please, Rose, may you never figure out how to be content with life. That way lies surrender.
rose,
This is a sweet piece, beautifully written, moving and vulnerable.

Rated and appreciated.
"wonder if other people sometimes feel that the older they get, the less they know."

I do everyday!! :)
Rated. I too, know how you feel.
clarity, yes, i used to have that too...
Rated.
Oh, Grif, thanks for that. I know there's no magic wand---as a psychotherapist I have to tell clients I don't have one every day---but oh, how I wish for one! I appreciate your kindness in wishing to wave one for me.

Anthony, what a great sentiment. I used to find such beauty in yearning. Perhaps I'll find that again.

Dennis, thanks for appreciating the vulnerability in this. I was hurting so when I wrote it, but these kind words have brought much solace.

Tink, yes, it is so!! Maybe the wisdom comes through realizing the folly of ever thinking we "know" anything.

Alexis, Brie, thanks for coming by and seconding these emotions. I feel so much less alone now than I did earlier!
The more I learn, the less I know for sure.
You are definetly not alone in that department.
Nice meeting you, by the way!
Welcome to OS.
Not far north, this crone in training knows how you feel...thank you for sharing this. The way I try to counsel myself (and find much easier to counsel others) is: intentionally embrace yourself with great compassion. Think oceanically kind, loving, deeply accepting thoughts about the weary little girl inside...call her up as a real little person, noting her soft skin, the fine texture of her hair. Look at her. Bend over and look into her face and make eye contact, your gentlest. (You'll find yourself moved and amazed by her eyes.) Then mentally gather her into your arms, very gently hold her. Feel the actual weight of her arms as she puts them around your neck. Tell her: I'm sorry you're lonely. I love you. I am here with you and I will never leave you. (Rock...)

A different sort of image that helps me sometimes is to visualize my empathy as a strong, hand-held floodlight. I know I can extend this to other people. But I ask myself to imagine physically turning the floodlight around and beaming it into my own chest. (Sometimes I actually feel warmth increase inside me.)

Hope one of those might help. If not, here's a hug...
junk1, thanks for reading and rating! Nice to meet you, also....I think I'll be hanging out here a lot more.
petuunia, this is some beautiful advice. I especially love the phrase "oceanically kind, loving thoughts". I will be using that floodlight imagery a lot.