I am Uatu the Watcher. I am pledged never to interfere in human affairs, merely to observe. Recently, my omniscient orbs have detected an event of cosmic significance: the absorption of the smaller, weaker Marvel Universe by the larger, more puissant Disney Universe. According to the dead tree-based news medium you Terrans call the New York Times:
The Walt Disney Company said Monday [August 31, 2009] that it would buy the comic book giant Marvel Entertainment for about $4 billion…. “We believe that adding Marvel to Disney’s unique portfolio of brands provides significant opportunities for long-term growth and value creation,” the chief executive of Disney, Roger A. Iger , said in a statement.
I, Uatu the Watcher, know not what “long term growth” and “value creation” this Terran speaks of. These sound like business clichés and marketing gobbledygook to me. I, Uatu the Watcher, do know this merger, this collision of worlds, this clash of champions, creates the opportunity for matchups heretofore undreamt of in the wildest fanboy’s philosophy. Some of the crossovers are obvious—the Beast from the X-Men vs. the Beast from Beauty and the Beast, Howard the Duck vs. Donald Duck, the Sub-Mariner vs. the Little Mermaid. But lo! here be the contests I, Uatu the Watcher, am particularly keen to witness. Let the slugfests begin!
Wolverine vs. Grumpy: Both are members of teams of differently enabled outcasts (the X-Men, the Seven Dwarves). Both are short, ill-tempered, and possess sharp weapons (Adamantium claws, miner’s pickaxe). Both are romantically-chromatically entangled (Wolverine pines for Jean Grey, Grumpy has a soft spot for Snow White). Prediction: after a knockdown, drag-out brawl, they will go to a bar together, drown their manly sorrows in beer, and swear eternal brotherhood. (At least until Sabretooth disembowels Grumpy.)
The Hulk vs. Shrek: Both the Hulk and Shrek are big, green, and mean. But the angrier the Hulk gets, the stronger he gets; and he’s been steaming since both his movies tanked. Prediction: Princess Fiona will have to find herself another prince. (I, Uatu the Watcher, am aware Shrek isn’t technically a Disney character. I, Uatu the Watcher, am omniscient—remember? But DreamWorks is distributed by Disney—and Disney might wind up owning DreamWorks if Spielberg doesn’t secure funding soon.)
Dr. Strange vs. Mickey Mouse: Dr. Stephan Strange is Master of the Mystic Arts and Sorcerer Supreme of this dimension. Mickey Mouse was a sorcerer’s apprentice in Fantasia. Prediction: the apprentice will get schooled. For the record, Dr. Strange supports universal health care and thinks opponents resemble the Mindless Ones from the Dreaded Dormammu’s Dark Dimension.
Spiderman vs. Hannah Montana: With great power comes great responsibility. Peter Parker can walk on walls, spin webs, and has the proportional strength of a spider; recently, he was tempted to go over to the dark side by wearing the evil black symbiote costume. Miley Cyrus is a tween idol with a hit TV show, a national tour, and her own line of designer clothes; recently, she was tempted to go over to the dark side by not wearing anything in Vanity Fair. Prediction: They will meet cute backstage at a Disney Broadway musical. Peter Parker will eventually do the right thing, but Miley Cyrus will succumb to evil, i.e., turn into Britney Spears.
Iron Man vs. WALL-E: Iron Man is a hard drinking, skirt chasing, billionaire playboy who wears a metal exoskeleton. WALL-E is a humble maintenance robot who wears his heart on his tin sleeve. Prediction: together they will clean up the environment, then Iron Man will take WALL-E out to a strip joint and introduce him to the Svedka vodka sexbot.
The Punisher vs. Mary Poppins: All the Punisher has on his side are guns, knives, explosives, special forces training, and Kevlar body armor. Mary Poppins can fly, can call upon an endless army of dancing chimney sweeps and talking penguins, and has a sentient umbrella and a bottomless magic portmanteau . (I, Uatu the Watcher, suspect there is a tesseract inside; cf. Dr. Who, not a Disney or Marvel character.). Prediction: A spoonful of sugar will help the ass kicking go down.
The Fantastic Four vs. the Incredibles: It’s clobberin’ time! Back in 2004, the Incredibles stole the Fantastic Four’s super powered family concept. To add insult to injury, their movie grossed more than both FF movies combined, and the Silver Surfer spinoff has been shelved. Prediction: the Incredibles will go on a one-way trip to the Negative Zone. Full disclosure: I, Uatu the Watcher, am old friends with the dynamic denizens of the Baxter Building; I, Uatu the Watcher, made my first startling appearance in the pulse-pounding pages of the Fantastic Four. Which leaves inevitably to the most intriguing match up of all, the ultimate showdown, the clash to settle the cash:
I, Uatu the Watcher, vs. Walt Disney: I, Uatu the Watcher, am an ancient, omniscient alien of vast intelligence and cosmic power. Walt’s a disembodied head kept cryogenically preserved somewhere deep within the bowels of the Magic Kingdom; on the other hand, he now signs my paychecks. (He has animatronic appendages.) Prediction: So, where do you want me to park that Flying Teacup, boss? Part of being omniscient is knowing which side your bread is buttered on. Excelsior!