Dr. Stephen Strange, Master of the Mystic Arts and Sorcerer Supreme, was tired after a long, hard day of battling evil wizards, dark gods, and eldritch monsters. He just wanted to meditate, smoke a hookah, and maybe get in a little tantric exercise with his beautiful alien disciple Clea. But when he reached his sanctum sanctorum, located somewhere on Bleecker St. in Greenwich Village, he beheld a hideous sight:
DR. STRANGE: By the hoary hosts of Hoggoth! Who are you, and how did you get in here?
SANTORUM: I'm former Pennsylvania senator and current Republican presidential candidate Rick Santorum. As to how I got in here, you might say I have a special affinity for sanctum sanctorums.
DR. STRANGE: The one whose name means--
SANTORUM: Don't say it!
DR. STRANGE: But what are you doing here? Shouldn't you be out campaigning or something?
SANTORUM: I heard reports of unnatural activity in this house and decided to investigate.
DR. STRANGE: That's only to be expected. I am Sorcerer Supreme, after all. I'm charged with protecting this fragile reality from inter-dimensional threats.
SANTORUM: I'm not here about the Harry Potter stuff--
DR. STRANGE: Harry Potter?
SANTORUM: --although that's bad enough. I'm here about your oriental male lover, Wang.
DR. STRANGE: His name is Wong, not Wang. And he's my manservant, not my lover.
SANTORUM: Wang, Wong, what's the diff? Two grown men living together is suspicious.
DR. STRANGE: I can assure you nothing is going on between me and Wong. Even if he was my male lover--which he isn't--what business is that of yours? This is a democracy, not a theocracy.
SANTORUM: A Christian democracy. It says so right in the Constitution--if you squint hard enough. And this Chrisrian democracy is under attack by Satan.
DR. STRANGE: I agree with you there. I've fought many of His diabolical manifestations--Satannish, Mephisto, the dread Dormmamu...
Santorum shakes his pointy head impatiently.
SANTORUM: I'm not talking about that. I'm talking about lady parts.
DR. STRANGE: Excuse me?
SANTORUM: You know, south of the border, where babies come from, (whispering) vaginas.
DR. STRANGE: I'm familiar with them. I used to be a medical doctor, you know, before I switched to the mystic arts. But what do vaginas have to do with Satan? Some of my best friends have vaginas. Frankly, I think they're divine!
SANTORUM: Blasphemy! They're the gateway to hell! They make me want to throw up!
DR. STRANGE: You're a bigger annoyance than Baron Mordo. And a bigger religious fanatic than Silver Dagger. Your wife has a vagina, doesn't she? You have seven children, don't you?
SANTORUM: Don't remind me! I only go near that foul thing when I want to make babies. Eve tempted Adam and led to his downfall. Sandra Fluke tempted Rush Limbaugh, and look what that's done to his sponsors.
DR. STRANGE: Your poor wife. And she hadn't divorced you yet?
SANTORUM: My wife is the rock I stand on.
DR. STRANGE: Must be pretty uncomfortable for her.
SANTORUM: All you college snobs think you're so smart! (Although I have three degrees myself.) We must launch a first strike against vaginas--we can't wait until they get the bomb. Fortinately, I have just the thing to ward off their evil influence.
DR. STRANGE: The Orb of Agamotto? The Crimson Bands of Cyttorak? The Wand of Watoomb?
SANTORUM: No, aspirin.
DR. STRANGE: Aspirin?
SANTORUM: Sure, you just have to get them to hold them between their knees, and they're helpless.
DR. STRANGE: Enough! I can stand no more of this rank superstition! Religious freedom is one thing, but misogyny is something else. Long before your Johnny-come-lately religion, people worshipped the goddess Gaia.
SANTORUM: A false theology, just like Barack Obama's. The Catholic church is the one true church. I don't trust these Protestants--or any of those Mormons either.
DR. STRANGE: Your precious Virgin Mary had a vagina! Your mother had a vagina! Your daughters have vaginas!
Santorum sticks his fingers in his ears.
SANTORUM: Nyah, nyah, nyah! I can't hear you! I'm in a persistent vegetative state, like Terri Schiavo.
DR. STRANGE: I see stronger methods must be employed.
Dr. Strange consults the Book of the Vishanti.
DR. STRANGE: Ah, just the thing! You need to get in touch with your feminine roots. Pandorium boxious transformia!
Santorum is transformed into a giant, disembodied vagina.
SANTORUM: Oh, my God! Change me back!
DR. STRANGE: I'm not finished yet.
SANTORUM: What?
DR. STRANGE: I told you I used to be a medical doctor. Now for the transvaginal ultrasound.
TIP:
Enter the amount, and click "Tip" to submit!
Valerie Atherton
kenneth houck
Mara Shapshay
Snowden
EdTraceyinHomer
Erica K
Salon.com
Comments