Literary Ventriloquism At Its Finest!

Robert Brenner

Robert Brenner
New York, New York, USA
March 30
Robert Brenner is a humorist, critic, and ventriloquist. His work has been published in New York Magazine, the Huffington Post, Grin & Tonic, and Happy. He has been interviewed on LeMorningShow, the first Twitter talk show. He is a proud graduate of André Aciman’s Writers’ Institute at the Graduate Center at CUNY. He lives in New York City with his child bride and two (imaginary) cats. Email: rabrenner@prodigy.net


JANUARY 18, 2012 8:53AM

Captain America For President

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captain america 

I said I would never get involved with politics. I've always been much more comfortable fighting bad guys like the Red Skull or Hydra. But I can no longer be a member of the Silent, Masked Majority. What has become of my beloved Republican party?

I liked Ike. Eisenhower was the kind of pragmatic conservative I could get behind. Plus he was a World War II hero, which means a lot to a living legend like myself.

Since then, though, it's been all downhill: stumblebums like Gerald Ford, ne'er-do-wells like George Bush I and II, and paranoid crooks like Richard Nixon. (He reminded me of the hooded leader of the Secret Empire.)

Ronald Reagan seemed like a return to form. He raised taxes when he needed to and ignored the "Jesus Christers" once he got into office. But he introduced trickledown economics and let the Moral Majority-types  into the party in the first place. It's like when Modok invented the Cosmic Cube: no good can come of this.

(Yes, yes, I know, Reagan singlehandedly defeated the Soviet Union. I also know the Soviet Union helped us defeat Nazi Germany. That's one advantage of living a preternaturally long life due to the Super Soldier serum coursing through my veins: it gives me historical perspective. I saw action on the Russian front during the Great Patriotic War.)

At least John McCain was a decorated war hero. But this current batch of contenders is really discouraging:

Mitt Romney. A slick, manipulative , programmed  candidate who will say or do anything to get elected. He reminds me of Dr. Faustus -- minus the Viennese accent and goatee. Or something dreamed up in A.I.M.'s laboratories. 

Newt Gingrich. This guy has Baron Zemo written all over him: a self-appointed "man of destiny" with anger management issues and a weakness for the ladies. All he needs is a glued-on, un-removable hood.  (Actually, it might be an improvement.)

Rick Santorum. Look, I'm not personally comfortable with homosexuality. It's not how I was raised. But I'm even less comfortable with oppression. I've seen firsthand where it can lead.  There were pink triangles as well as yellow stars at Auschwitz. Besides, have you Googled his name?

Rick Perry.  I don't have anything against religion. After all, I fight for God and Country. But I'm suspicious of a guy who wears his faith on his sleeve. And I doubt Jesus Christ would be quite so enthusiastic about the death penalty. He reminds me of the Crusader -- all sword, no love. (Now I hear Perry wants to go back into Iraq. Take it from an old soldier: sometimes it's better to retreat while you're ahead.) 

Ron Paul. He's the one who really scares me. I've read his newsletters. They could have been written by the Hate Monger. Now he disavows them, but he doesn't disavow the white supremacist and neo-Nazi groups that are supporting him. And his obsession with "Austrian economics" is suspicious. The last guy with big ideas to come out of Austria was named Hitler. 

Jon Huntsman. Who? He may speak Mandarin, but he doesn't remind me of the Mandarin. Or any other supervillain for that matter. I wish he was a double agent for the Chinese, like Ron Paul has suggested. That at least would make him interesting.  You've gotta have charisma to lead--like Eisenhower. 

That's why I've decided to throw my cowl into the ring. I figure if it's a brokered convention I can still win the nomination.  Which, given the lack of enthusiasm for Dr. Faustus--I mean Romney--seems likely. Even in a supposedly pro-Romney state like New Hampshire, he'll be lucky to get 50% of the vote. The only reason he's leading in the polls is because the other candidates keep fighting among themselves. It's kind of like an Avengers meeting when Thor, Iron Man, and the Hulk are all in attendance. 

I don't have anything against Barack Obama. I'm not one of those kooks who thinks he's a secret Muslim socialist born in Kenya--not that there's something wrong with any of those things. I just have a different point of view policy-wise. That's what makes politics. My sometime partner the Falcon is supporting Obama, and we're still good buddies.  (If anything, I wish Obama was more like FDR. Don't bash Roosevelt on my watch. Like Reagan, I may have left the Democratic party, but I never left the man.)

Now if I can just find a running mate--someone to balance the ticket.   A cross-party candidate with strong popular appeal. Hmmm, I wonder if Superman is available?

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I'm a Dem, but Gerald Ford was underrated.
I don't have anything particular against Ford. But he was basically a placeholder until another election could be held.
You should name the Red Skull as your VEEP; this way no one would mess with you. It would be like this, "Iran, disarm now!" Iran's response, "YES, SIRS!" R
Cap would never team up with the Red Skull. Didn't you see "Captain America: the First Avenger?"
True, but politics does make strange bedfellows.
Now you want Cap to get into bed with the Red Skull. I try not to be judgmental, but that's too kinky for me.