WTF? I'm the handsomest, richest, most electable candidate in my class, but the GOP still won't ask me to the prom. My feelings would be hurt -- if I had any.
It was bad enough when they passed me over last time for ROTC captain John McCain. Now they keep flirting with other candidates. First, class clown Donald Trump, with that awful comb-over. Gross! I still don't know if he was actually running for POTUS or just punking us.
Then mean cheerleader Michele Bachmann, with those weird eyes. She totally reminds me of Natalie Portman's psycho mom in The Black Swan. (Sarah Palin, the other mean cheerleader, dropped out and got a job as a school bus driver.)
Then fat kid Chris Christie. He's the only guy I know who's majoring in lunchroom. IMHO, he should cut his waistline before he starts shooting his mouth off about cutting the federal budget deficit.
Then stoner Rick Perry. "Uh, one, two, uh... what comes after two?" OMG, it was all I could do to keep from ROFL during the debate. Fortunately, I don't have a sense of humor. We've already had one drug-addled Texan in the White House -- do we need another?
Then frat boy Herman Cain. I can understand wanting to go black -- just between you and me, that Barack Obama's dreamy. (Although a little bird tweeted me he's all talk and no action. Poor Democrats! They were ready to go all the way with Franklin Roosevelt, but wound up holding hands with Jimmy Carter instead. And, as we all know, Carter only lusted in his heart.) But Cain is totally icky. Can you imagine having a booty call with Mr. Pepperoni? Eeewwww!
Now they're flirting with history nerd Newt Gingrich. Hello? Let me remind them of a little history. He's a serial adulterer. He cheated on his first wife with his future second wife, then cheated on his second wife with his future third wife. If I was Newt's third wife -- as if! -- I would definitely be going through his pockets every night. I don't care, but that doesn't sit well with those Jesus freaks in Iowa. Plus he's old. All he does is remind voters how good things were under Bill Clinton. (I also tried reading some of Newt's fantasy fiction. Let's just say he's no Stephenie Meyer.)
The only candidate the GOP hasn't played footsies with so far is Dungeons & Dragons weirdo Ron Paul. They can tell he's not wrapped too tight. I just hope he doesn't go all Columbine on us and shoot up the debate stage one night. (Rick Santorum? Not with that name. Jon Huntsman? That ho really frosts my flakes. He copies everything I do -- including being unpopular with Republicans.)
Is it because I'm a Mormon? Hey, Mormons are big this year. We're been on Broadway and the cover of Newsweek. The Church of Latter-day Saints has launched a big advertising campaign to convince folks that Mormons are Christians too -- or at least not Muslims. (By the way, I firmly believe Sharia law is sweeping the country -- I mean, like, totally.)
Is it because I'm a flip-flopper? Look, I know I promised to be BFFs with moderates when I was Governor of Massachusetts, but, you know, whatever. I'm just trying to be popular. I've reversed my positions on abortion, gay rights and heliocentricity. I just wish the GOP would invite me over to some of their tea parties sometimes.
Is it RomneyCare? Okay, that was a youthful indiscretion. I was just sitting around experimenting with universal healthcare in the privacy of my own home. Nobody was suppose to see that bill except for one very special friend with health benefits. Then I accidentally clicked "Reply All" and sent it to everyone in Massachusetts. At least it wasn't a snapshot of my Anthony Weiner.
Is it because of my robotic personality? I'm working on it. Here, let me tell you a joke: "Corporations are people, my friend." Get it? It's soooo funny because it's soooo self-evident.
Well, I'm not worried. Eventually the GOP will wise up and do the inevitable thing and ask me to the prom -- after they've exhausted every other potential candidate. Then I will totally punk them and say I have to stay home and wash my hair that night. Payback is bitchin.'