The end is near -- or so it seems to a segment of Christians aligned with the religious right. The global economic meltdown, numerous natural disasters and the threat of radical Islam have fueled a conviction among some evangelicals that these are the last days. -the New York Times
The signs are all around. You just have to know where to look. Wars, rumors of war, Chaz Bono on Dancing With the Stars. It helps if you've seen those Omen movies. (Don't bother watching Lars von Trier's Anti-Christ--it's just gross and not at all Scriptural.)
First there's the name: Cain. As in Cain and Abel. As in the guy who invented murder. You don't have to be Dan Brown to figure that one out.
Second, there's his "999" tax program. Flip over the number and what have you got? That's right--666! The Number of the Beast! "As heads is tails, just call me Lucifer," as I'm sure it says somewhere in the Bible.
Third, he won the Florida straw poll, beating out that nice white Christian Rick Perry. For those of us who have always suspected Florida is the gateway to Hell--swamps, alligators, elderly Jews--this was confirmation.
Fourth, he says he would have died from his stage four colon and liver cancer under Obamacare. That means he's risen from the grave--like Blacula! Supernatural powers!
Fifth, he wears a black cowboy hat. No further explanation necessary.
Finally, he's black. Remember when we thought Obama was the anti-Christ because he was black? Clearly this was just foolish superstition--I don't care what that heckler yelled out at Obama's LinkedIn fundraiser. Obama is the anti-John the Baptist, the dark one who heralds the arrival of the true anti-Christ. Obama getting elected just makes it that much easier for a real black devil to get into the White House. (Cain accused Obama of playing the race card. Don't be fooled--the race card is their infernal calling card.)
So Herman Cain--or "Herm Cain" as Sar Palin calls him--is the anti-Christ. (She also calls him "the flavor of the week." That must make him devil's food. What does that make her--Moose Tracks?)
What does this mean? Forget about Romney, Perry, even Christie (love that name!)--Cain will get the Republican nomination and win the general election. (I used to think Donald Trump might be the anti-Christ--there's something diabolical about his hair--but he dropped out.)
So, what would a Cain administration be like? According to the Bible, the anti-Christ will establish one world government. We're already halfway there: Russia, China, Iran, North Korea, Venezuela, Cuba, Pakistan all jump when the US snaps its fingers. Cain says he supports the Chilean model, by which I assume he has a South American mistress, like Governor Sanford.
The Bible also tells us we will enter a period of Tribulations--sickening plagues, internal strife, violent eruptions. Anyone who's ever actually eaten a Godfather's pizza knows exactly what this means. You're going to spend a lot of time on your knees praying to the porcelain god. Talk about worshipping false idols!
The only tricky part is the Rapture. According to the Bible, all the Righteous will be teleported from Earth to Heaven prior to the Tribulations--kind of like an episode of Star Trek. The question is, who are the Righteous?
Cain is a Christian, but regularly vilifies Muslims, saying he doesn't trust them and wouldn't appoint any to his administration. Does this mean Muslims, not Christians, are the Righteous? Impossible! Muslims cannot be the Righteous because, as everyone knows, they worship a false god, support global terrorism, and are intent on imposing sharia law on the US.
Hmmm, maybe Michele Bachmann is the anti-Christ. Something about those eyes...