Scene 1: Midnight. A deserted train station. A group of kids are shooting an amateur porno with their smartphones.
DIRECTOR: Okay, baby, I'm going to make you famous! Take off your clothes.
BLOND GIRL: Are you sure this is the way Rebecca Black got started?
MAKEUP ARTIST (evening out BLOND GIRL's skin tones): Gee, you sure are pretty. Can I try on your clothes later?
Suddenly, a train crashes into a pickup truck. There is a spectacular, SFX-laden sequence designed to distract from the flimsiness of the script. Something monstrous crawls from the wreckage and slithers away into the dark..
DIRECTOR: My iPhone's broken!
BLOND GIRL: I'm not in the mood anymore anyway. Can I put my clothes back on?
MAKEUP ARTIST: Uh, I'm not finished wearing them.
Scene 2: Women start receiving grainy images on their smartphones
WOMAN 1: Oh my God! What the hell is that thing?
WOMAN 2: It looks like a giant weiner!
WOMAN 3: In gray cotton briefs! Has he no fashion shame?
WOMAN 4: Do you think this has something to do with the TSA?
WOMAN 5: This airport security stuff has gotten out of hand!
WOMAN 6: Yeah, if I wanted to see a guy's junk, I'd stay home and look at Chatroulette!
Scene 3: Rep. Anthony Weiner holds a press conference
WEINER: This is just a normal train wreck. Pay no attention to any giant wieners you may have seen. Meanwhile, purely as a precautionary measure, we're evacuating the town and torching everything in it. Get on the buses. I'll be in the gym working out in case anyone needs me.
Scene 4: Evacuation Center
ANDREW BREITBART: I've seen it, but nobody will believe me. Is it because I'm a conservative blogger?
MAKEUP ARTIST: No, it's because you're a serial liar and a publicity whore.
DIRECTOR: Speaking of whores, can we get back to filming my porno? My iPhone is back from the Apple store.
BLOND GIRL (staring at iPhone screen in horror): I believe you...because I just saw it myself! What does it all mean?
Scene 5: Black scientist who was driving pickup truck that crashed head-on into train but is miraculously not dead explains everything...well, almost everything
BLACK SCIENTIST: I used to work for Congressman Weiner as an intern. I've seen things you would not believe! First, he's totally ripped. Second, he's hung like Secretariat. We're talking Super Jew here. But the sick thing is the dude is like completely hairless. I mean everywhere--including his package. He wanted me to help shave him down. I couldn't stand it anymore--that's why I quit. And that's why I drove my pickup truck into that train--so the truth could be free!
MAKEUP ARTIST: But that doesn't explain why he's sexting images of himself to women in the first place...
BLOND GIRL: Duh! Why do you think? You are soooo gay!
MAKEUP ARTIST: I mean, he has so much to lose. Why do men in power think they can get away with these sort of sexual shenanigans in the information age? They're just begging to get caught!
BLOND GIRL: I don't know. Maybe he has an irresistible sexual compulsion. Maybe he's self-destructive. Maybe he's just a dork.
DIRECTOR: Can we get back to my porno please? I want to enter it at Cunnes.
Scene 6: Rep. Anthony Weiner confronts his giant wiener
WEINER (cocky): I made you! You belong to me! You're mine!
Giant wiener stares back impassively at Wiener.
WEINER (deflated): I mean, I recently got married and my wife is pregnant. Have you no conscience?
Giant wiener crushes Anthony Weiner's political career.
WEINER (lying in the mud): Now I'll never get to be mayor of New York...Maybe I could still get a job as a commentator on CNN.
Scene 7: Rep. Anthony Weiner holds another press conference.
WEINER (detumescent): I admit it--I lied. The giant wiener that's been terrorizing this town is mine. Support from members of Congress is flaccid at best, so I'm resigning.
BREITBART (thumping his chest): I deserve a little vindication. I guess you're all going to have to start treating me with a little more respect now, aren't you?
MAKEUP ARTIST: Even a broken clock is right twice a day. You're still a serial liar and a publicity whore.
DIRECTOR: Speaking about whores again, we still have a porno to make...
BLOND GIRL: OK, but I have some script change ideas...
Scene 8: Midnight. A deserted train station. A group of kids are shooting an amateur porno with their smartphones.
DIRECTOR: Okay, baby, take off your clothes. I'm gonna make you famous. Well, more famous.
WEINER: Are you sure this is the way Rebecca Black got started?
MAKEUP ARTIST (shaving WEINER): Bad things happen. But that doesn't mean you can't go on and live your life.
DIRECTOR (to BLOND GIRL): What about you? Why aren't you getting undressed?
BLOND GIRL: I'm getting out of porn and into politics. There's way too many wieners. It needs more vajayjays. Less testosterone, more estrogen. Maybe I could be the next Sarah Palin or Michele Bachmann or something.
The kids and Weiner look up at the night sky, wondering what comes next...possibly a lawsuit from J.J. Abrams and Steven Spielberg.