[JON and KATE are seated on a couch as far away from each other as possible, facing the camera. JON is wearing shorts, sandals, and a t-shirt that says “I’d Rather Be Golfing.” KATE is wearing a housedress and sneakers. Next to her is a coffee cup that says “World’s Greatest Mom.”]
KATE: I’m seeing a psychiatrist about my anger and control issues.
JON: Gee, that’s great, Kate.
KATE: A Dr. Raglan at the Somafree Institute. He’s treating me with a radical new therapy called Psychoplasmics.
JON: Whatever works.
KATE: It creates physical manifestations of my anger and rage.
JON: That’s good. It’s better to get things out than keep them repressed inside.
KATE: Like that time I thought you were having an affair with that twenty-three year old kindergarten school teacher.
JON: Kate, I told you nothing happened!
KATE: I believe you, honey, and I forgive you. [She slaps JON’s face.]
JON: Owww! What was that for?
KATE: It was just a love slap. Pay no attention.
JON [rubbing his sore jaw]: It’s strange what happened to that kindergarten school teacher. She was found stabbed to death with a pair of safety scissors in her classroom. I didn’t think you were suppose to be able to do that.
KATE: I’m sure she had it coming to her, the whore. Then there was that cute nurse who worked on your hair transplant.
JON: Kate, there was nothing between us!
KATE: Don’t lie to me, mister! I saw the way she was making goo-goo eyes at your cute Korean butt! Anyway, I forgive you for that also. [She slaps JON again.]
JON: Owww! She died under mysterious circumstances too. She was exfoliated from the inside out! It’s as if a midget crawled inside her body and pulled out all her hair from the inside.
KATE: I’m sure she had it coming, the little slut. Then there was the fertility doctor who worked on my pregnancies. It’s his fault I’m saddled with twins and sextuplets, not to mention a fat, lazy, gook for a husband.
JON: He also died under mysterious circumstances. Somehow a speculum got wedged up his butt and he was ripped in two. It must have required someone with tremendous strength to do something like that—or a gang of murderous mutant midgets.
KATE: Serves him right! Now he knows what it feels like to give birth to twins and sextuplets.
JON: It’s strange how all the people you have a grudge against keep dying mysteriously, Kate. It sounds like a job for CSI or something.
KATE: Well, Jon, there’s something I’ve been meaning to show you. [She rips open her housedress, revealing her body is covered with pulsating, womblike sacks of flesh.]
JON: Whoa! How long have those things been there?
KATE: Since season two. You’d know if you ever touched my body anymore, but of course you’re too busy playing doctor with that nurse. [She rips one of the sacks open with her teeth and out tumbles a bloody, deformed, dwarf-like creature. She licks the creature clean with her tongue.]
JON: Oooo, that’s gross! Is that where the cast for Little People, Big World came from?
KATE: That’s no way to talk about your offspring, Jon. Say hello to the latest little Gosselin. Sic ‘im! [The dwarf bites JON’s leg.]
JON: Hey, get off me, you little freak! [JON kicks the dwarf away.]
KATE: Jon, that’s no way to treat your children. [She rips open the remaining flesh sacks, producing dozens of bloody, deformed dwarfs.] Octomom’s got nothing on me! Tear him up, kids! [The dwarfs pile on JON.]
JON: Get ‘em off me! Get ‘em off me! [JON goes down flailing in a pile of little fists and teeth. As he’s about to succumb:] Wait! What about the children? What about Cara and Mady and Alexis and Aaden and Collin and Leah and Hannah and whatshisname, the one who never talks?
KATE [laughing maniacally]: They’re like Dunkin Donuts—I can always make more!
JON: Kate, don’t do this! We can renew our vows again on Maui! I’ll help out more around the house! I’ll lose weight! We’ll invite Emeril Lagasse on the show! You love Emeril! KAAAAAATE!!! [JON disappears into a squirming pile of Gosselin Brood. After a while, he stops screaming. The Gosselin Brood rise from the gory remains of their victim, blood dripping from their tiny paws and fangs. All that’s recognizably left of JON is his hair transplant.]
KATE [looking directly at the camera]: And you! You sick paparazzi! You sleazy tabloids! You child labor law authorities! And worst of all, all you ghoulish voyeurs at home getting your rocks off watching our family self-destruct on TV! We’ll kill you all too! [The Gosselin Brood attack the camera crew and television producers.] You know how gook food is—you’re hungry again as soon as you’re finished eating! This isn’t over, not by a long shot! Next week I’m forming a support group with Elizabeth Edwards and Veronica Berlusconi! We will be revenged! SUFFER THE CHILDREN! [The screen goes static-y for a moment, then blank. A WE ARE EXPERIENCING TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES sign appears.]
The End...Or Is It Only The Beginning?