Welcome to the Weekend Holyland Update, flight 040510, coming to you fresh off of holy week, where the good Samaritan gets arrested for his troubles, murder is officially deemed unnecessary (but goes unpunished anyway), terror is fought by bombing dairy factories, and the one kid we didn't kill after all gets all the headlines. Please fasten your seatbelts, the easter bunnies are a-poppin' all over the crazy skies.
Oy, where the fuck to start. Some of you may have noticed this little tidbit. I'd elaborate, but I gave my word to the poor lady in question, and despite knowing about the story since January, I decided to honor it to the point of letting the motherfucking Washington Post scoop me (I know, the horror), so y'all will have to wait for more inside stuff on the subject until the local potentates say it's OK, which rumor has it will actually happen this week. I personally think she's wrong in thinking that playing along will get her any leniency, but it ain't me looking at 14 years in the slammer, so like I said, I took "mentsch" over "scoop". Sue me. Speaking of which, I too am going on trial for a politically motivated charge. More on that near the end.
Buncha peace activists from Sweden came here for a visit, some Jewish, some Palestinian. Guess which ones were let in and which ones were grilled for eight hours at the airport and then put on a plane headed back. How on earth did you figure that one out. Racist? Us? Why, you antisemites!
Couple of known settler scumbags were caught having just burned this Palestinian dude's olive grove. The cop's arrest report says their hands were stinking of petrol. DA decided not to press charges. Lack of evidence, ya see.
Remember I told you about the four Palestinian kids our brave "defense" forces killed in a 24 hour span? Well, guess what? An IDF inquiry has determined that these deaths were actually avoidable! Gotta love this quote: "Our soldiers must learn to discern when they are in a life threatening situation and when they are not". Until they do, though, they're gonna be given a pass on these unfortunate mistakes.
A fifth kid we were suspected of killing turned up safe and sound. Apparently he went on a little scavenger hunt through a tunnel to the Egyptian side of the border without telling anyone, whereupon his kin jumped the gun and declared him killed by the enemy. This was the most popular article in a couple of Israel's leading websites, cause there's nothing like a single case of an erroneous accusation to expiate all the guilt - and never mind that it was the Palestinian news agency that reported the fact that the kid didn't die after all. So for those of you sports fans keeping score at home - that's four youngsters dead that shouldn't have been, and one reported dead that's happily alive. On we go:
A bunch of Christian peace activists were in Jerusalem for Easter. Buncha settler scum attacked them with sticks and stones. Buncha Palestinians moved to protect them. Settler drew a knife on one of them. Another Palestinian made the instinctive (dumb, but instinctive) move of grabbing the blade and got his ass kicked in addition to the gash in his hand. He's in the hospital. The guy on whom the knife was pulled was arrested. The settlers were not. Cause, you know, justice and all. This is but the latest in a week full of reported harrassment of pilgrims. It's amazing how us Jews, who are supposed to be so good with money, are making so little out of owning the holiest sites to a religion of some three billion. Did you know that Cyprus gets about three times the tourists we do? Cyprus! A place whose sole claim to cultural cache is the opening act of Othello. How sad is that?
As a gesture, Israel let ten trucks full of clothes into Gaza it had been holding up for three years - since the Hamas takeover of the Strip. The only problem is that since then, the clothes have begun to mold and rot. The Gazan merchants have been paying hundreds of dollars a month in storage since '07. One of those "oh well" things, I guess.
Speaking of the great siege of Gaza, Israel's heroic airforce took out a secret nefarious Hamas plant that found a way to weaponize a pumpkin - oh, sorry, wrong sitcom - to weaponize dairy products. That's it. So in order to stop this cheesy plot, we bombed the place. For the second time.
Five "pro-Israel" organizations in the US, including Zionists of America and The Jewish American Congress, have filed amicus briefs demanding that a particularly repugnant Somali war criminal not be allowed to stand trial in the US. Reason? It might open the door for Israeli officials to be sued on similar grounds. File under: Tell me who your friends are.
Oh yeah, before I get to my own brush with the man: The abject joke that is the Palestinian Authority has now begun doing Israel's dirty work for it, because apparently Abu Mazen really really wants the Vidkun Quisling memorial prize, to offset his predecessor's Nobel Peace Prize.
And finally: I go on trial on April 29th for hypothetically threatening a douchebag of a judonazi Knesset member named Aryeh Eldad. (Remember the sanitary napkin who compared the settlers' right to incessantly build on stolen land with the late, great Rosa Parks? Her dad. Apple, tree and alla that). Anyway, what happened was, the douche was inciting for the murder of former PM Ehud Olmert, saying that by even negotiating for a peace deal entailing giving up sovereign Israeli land, he was violating the treason act which is a capital offense (only he used a biblical word for death rather than the modern legal word, to put his listeners in the right frame of mind and all). Thing is, this pathetic rhetorical trick was tried in a petition to the high court back in 1999, and was literally laughed out of court by the most right-wing judge to be on the bench in the past 30 years at least. So the douche (who is highly educated, former IDF surgeon general and son of the man who translated Nietzsche into Hebrew) KNEW he was lying, and still sold his crock. I blew a fuse and wrote a post - purely for provocation - saying that if a PM were murdered, I'd put a bullet in HIS head. I very quickly (within 24 hours or so) made it clear I was just making a rhetorical point (if you wanna threaten people, have the balls to do it in your own name and not hide behind the "law"), that I didn't mean to harm the douche even if he got his wish and got some hot-head to kill a PM, and that I would let Karma take care of him. We faced off on the radio the day I posted my thing, but beyond that I had zero contact with the man except for the odd referencing of him in a post, with zero threats or insinuation of any violence. About a year later (like seven months ago), I get an invitation from the pigs to an interrogation about this. I go down, explain I just wrote a hotheaded piece on the net and have no intention of harming the douche even if he kills the PM himself. Pig tells me he doesn't get the impression I'm a danger to anyone, and they let me go after having my main man Eran sign his name to vouch that I won't leave town. Kinda like bail without any money posted. Strangely, they decided to indict me anyway. So while I doubt you can be convicted for a hypothetical threat, if You don't hear from me after the 29th, that may be why.
And on that Jailhouse Rock note, the pilot will now bring you back to your original brands of crazy, which should be looking much better in comparison or you should seriously consider relocation. WHU airlines is not responsible for any illusions, sympathies or misconceptions that may have been misplaced on our tours. Please collect your luggage and check your comments and thumbs. Thank you for flying the crazy skies.
The Church of Here and Now
- Karkur, Israel
- December 18
- Kedem Productions
- Born in NYC, living in Israel, obsessive follower of politics in both places. Writer, Editor, Translator, and all-purpose wordsmith.
MY RECENT POSTS
- Horny Gods, Horny Prophets
April 27, 2013 03:07PM
- The New Home of the Weekend
June 20, 2011 01:55PM
- Israeli Justice Between
Darkness and Light
December 30, 2010 06:31PM
- The Mayor Who Stole Christmas
December 24, 2010 05:27PM
- Shooting Breaks Out Between
Israel and Lebanon (+other
August 03, 2010 08:24AM
MY RECENT COMMENTS
June 20, 2011 01:59PM
December 31, 2010 10:18AM
December 30, 2010 07:00PM
- “Feed, and Merry
Christmas once again.”
December 24, 2010 05:27PM
- “Left out of this account
is the fact that the "then
December 02, 2010 12:45PM