MAY 3, 2012 1:40PM

A Tan Kid is a Healthy Kid.

Rate: 12 Flag
I understand that the law is the law, but come on.

Please try to follow me, here, because I think my logic is pretty gull durned sound. Okay, what's more important to America's future than healthy children? Nothing, right?

And how do we know our little angels are healthy?

I'll answer that for you, and you're welcome in advance. The best sign of a healthy, prosperous child is a deep, fudgy tan.

Sometimes our legislative mechanisms can be so fickle. Medicinal marijuana can be as legal as Skittles in some state and municipal jurisdictions, yet strictly verboten at the federal level. Waiting periods are necessary to purchase firearms, with the exception of gun shows, where you can trade a pouch of Red Man and an vinyl copy of Nugent's Cat Scratch Fever for a nice used Glock.

And in the state of New Jersey, Patricia Krentcil has been charged with child endangerment for allowing her six-year-old daughter to use a tanning booth. Apparently, New Jersey's puritan statutes forbid anyone under fourteen from entering a sun casket.

Holy sweet mother of George Hamilton! It's early May. How is this kid supposed to get a nice bronze base when it's fifty-five degrees and cloudy? What is little Ultra Violet Krentcil or Carcie Noma Krentcil or whatever her name is, going to do in the absence of a eighty degrees and SPV Number Three cocoa butter?

Here's mommy.

How old do you think she is? Before I knew, I guessed that, with a six-year-old daughter, she'd have to be at least twenty-two, but twenty-five, tops.

Are you ready? She's forty-four, which is why this law is so freaking ridiculous. Free Patty Krentcil!

We parents, while faithfully maintaining no agenda but our children's best interests, are frequently misunderstood, so why is everyone so quick to judge this woman?

When my older daughter was six and acquired head lice at school, she witnessed an event which some, including my wife, may assess to be traumatic and ill-advised, yet quite well-intended. Rather than performing the deed out of her sight, I placed every one of her stuffed companions into a large garbage bag to suffocate any parasites, sealed it and hefted it down to the basement.

Upon witnessing this CSI Sesame Street, my girl flew into a panic stricken hysteria, and prompted my bride to look at me like a huge yeast infection in a Seattle Mariners cap.

I'm a guy who, if I hadn't entered the graphic design field, could have easily been a Navy SEAL, so I'm always thinking on my feet, and this episode was no exception. I bolted down to Target and bought my cherub a stuffed Hello Kitty doll as compensation for making her watch Raggedy Ann and Andy Go to Jonestown.

My wife's face displayed a new look this time, one which said, "Just when I thought you'd earned your masters degree in stupid, you fast tracked to a PhD. by buying her another stuffed freaking animal!"

Her eyes congratulated me as Hello Kitty said goodbye on her way to the polypropylene penitentiary in the basement.

Oh, I've done other things which have met the gross misunderstanding of my partner, like opening up a gash on the back of my baby daughter's leg by playing "Who's Daddy's pancake?" with a sharp, plastic spatula, or instructing the hair dresser to keep taking more off the of her hair until we both realized she had a mullet.

Yes, it was picture day.

But just like Tom and Katy's seemingly crazy practice of dressing five-year-old daughter Suri in seven-hundred-fifty dollar gowns or Ryan O'Neal's bonding with son Redmond over a little methamphetamine, I think we need to know all the facts before rushing to judgment about Ms. Krentcil and her intentions.

After all, six is the new fourteen.

Author tags:

kids, humor, dad, parent, tanning, tanorexia

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OH, this is funny.
That Mom is just scary.
Especially after I heard her explanations on the news...
But Ryan O'Neal? The guy seems so depressed I can't laugh at him. Poor Redmond...
When I first saw that woman, my first thought was "Woah! WTF poop bowl did she get hit with?"
I loved this post.
Well, almost all of it. If what you said about the used Glocks at gunshows were true I'd have a closet full of tupperware.
This is awesome. I have to tell you though, Reflections, that the picture was so hideous I thought it was something fake you found somewhere. So I went to read the story elsewhere and SURE ENOUGH that is the mother. OMG she looks ninety years old. My mother had skin cancer and both my brother and son have had malignant spots, so we are extremely careful in our family. I lived in Florida for a number of years which was a challenge but there are plenty of good sunscreens out there. To purposely tan as this mother does, she is CRAZY. It's a death sentence for her.
Amy, I agree with you. After looking at that photo, it's hard not to conclude that that woman isn't playing with a full deck. And if that's true, that poor kid is at risk. It's pretty scary.
...I did notice her daughter is red-haired and very pale skinned...
I saw her while up to my knees in a soothing and much-needed sea salt wrap. Add Tanners Anonymous to the list of support groups; it can be addicting. My daughter is a borderline case. The woman is mentally ill and looks like a fossil. But I imagine trying to tell her that is like telling an anorexic she's not fat.

I have no doubt you could have been a Navy SEAL and if you had you'd no doubt have been the one to take down Osama, with your pink Hello Kitty pretend rocket launcher.
My jaw dropped for a long time after seeing that mother. She looked like she was in an oven.
Just Thinking and I watch the same TV shows. Poor Redmond is right!
The daughter is a fair-skinned redhead.
I'm still trying to figure out just how far your tongue is pushed into your cheek by this post.
I remember my 5 year old daughter scooting down the dimly lit hallway in the "all together" after her bath. The only thing we could see was her little white butt because the rest was tan. How did that happen? Multiple trips to the tanning salon. Nope.
She and her brothers got her tan the old fashioned way--from being outside playing, having fun and running around like little hooligans.
Except our kids don't do that anymore. And that's the pity in all this. I'd say this lady is more than a bit weird. And I hope that she is being totally honest in saying that her daughter accompanied her to the tanning salon but waited for her mom rather than using the booth.
Kids--you want a tan? Go the hell outside! Have fun.
Walter, absolutely! My personal stories are factual, but any perceived endorsement of this crazy woman is strictly the tonguiest of cheek!
I thought blackface is not PC (ask Aston Kutscher). I'm not sure what to think except some people are slightly askew and yet can be a loving parent.
i have a friend who was forever saying that in sincerity: "i know she's only 14, but thats like 17 now." i never quite got that.

that tan on that mom, holy moly!

and the pancake fiasco - you tried to flip her with a plastic spatula?? laughing. i do so enjoy your stories.
Is ...that....really....the mom? I need to get back into circulation because if it is, and she is part of this story, all sense is gone in my world.
Stick a fork in that lady - she's done!

But, hey, what do I know? I don't have any kids, so how in the world could I judge any parent? ;-)
Don't tanning salons flag you like bars do when you're over the limit?