In the middle of this broad expanse of water called river, the pink dolphin witnesses the convergence of two rivers into one.
One river carries dark loamy sediment with it, so much that the waters are almost black from the bits of earth she has usurped to get where she's going. The other river is blue like the Andean glaciers from which she springs.
They meet at the bow of my canoe. To the left, the waters are dark. To the right, the waters are blue. Directly underneath my being, the dark and blue co-mingle a bit. A swirl of blue reaches into the dark waters. A black tentacle reaches into the blue to reciprocate. In spite of efforts to homogenize, these banks hold not one river, but two. Where they become one is not clear to me. Nor is it clear where they are two.
We sit in the same lecture hall. I assumed you wouldn't be so ego maniacal as to attend a lecture at my place of employment. I was wrong. There you are. Your new boyfriend has a shiny bald spot and a broad back. He might have a name, but it is not offered. I guess some might find prison guards sexy. Not me. I typecast prison guards to be slow of mind and rigid of morality - neither of which appeal to me.
You have another man in tow too. It looks like you're getting your wish of living your version of polyamory - heavy on the poly, light on the love. Good luck with that.
It's a gift when the vegetalismo lecture starts to illustrate the differences between light and dark. Set and setting can be the determining factor between prayers answered or not. It's about doing the work yourself, not charming another into doing it for you.
I walk out of the lecture early. I've heard enough. I did my work and it paid off.
It's Saturday morning when I call to see how you are. Your voice is shrill and unhinged. My brain dumps chemicals in response to your tone. All aboard the crazy train. This time it's an express route, no stops at Reason or Investigation. This train is headed straight for Irrational Conclusion.
You have lived your life as if giving birth has given you license to usurp any and all of my emotional resources to shore up your life. I've been friend, confidant, co-conspirator, defender and more. You asked that I not matter so you could.
I understand you are not aware of your own trauma. You could help yourself, but in your mind, you did that many years ago when you had a son. Once that was accomplished, your own personal toxic dumping ground would hold all the shit you couldn't.
I love you, but... I need you to handle your crisis this time. I can't hold onto the crazy train anymore. It has gone off the rails. And I'm determined to stay on mine. I wait a day before I call you back.
I envy the pink dolphin as it swims from black water to blue; from one river to another. Whether the water in which it swims is blue or black, the dolphin remains itself. Pink like new skin, the kind you see when you pick at a scab.
From here, I can't tell if the water is blue or black, where it came from or where it is going.
I do know that when I dip my feet into the river, the water is cool and soothing.
Sometimes that is more than enough knowledge for me.