Blogging a Dead Horse

john blumenthal

john blumenthal
January 05
john_blumenthal (On Twitter)
Curmudgeon. Formidable braggart. Comedy writer. Eight books, 2 movies. Former associate editor at Playboy Magazine. Movies include "Short Time," (major flop), and "Blue Streak" (huge hit, no idea why.) Last three novels were "What's Wrong With Dorfman?" (St. Martin's Press), "Millard Fillmore, Mon Amour," (St. Martin's Press) and "Three and a Half Virgins" (Finalist, International Book Awards.) Latest book -- a spoof of romance novels called "Passing Wind of Love."


DECEMBER 7, 2011 11:15AM

I’m Mitt Romney’s Hair Stylist

Rate: 35 Flag

I’ve been doing Mitt’s hair since he graduated from college. He tried a chic Beverly Hills hair stylist once – Raoul -- but the guy took too much off the top and Mitt had to go into hiding for a month. Mitt's very particular about his hair. Once, when he had a cowlick, his wife had to put him on suicide watch.


Gels and dyes are the most important factors in styling Mitt’s hair. Over the years, we’ve experimented with hundreds of gels and dyes, but eventually I had to concoct one myself. Sometimes the simple stuff works the best. The one I finally came up with is a mixture of black shoe polish and kindergarten paste. Epoxy was too strong and it made his hair stick to the pillow every night. Giving a campaign speech with a pillow stuck to the side of your head is never smart politics unless you’re campaigning in San Francisco on Halloween.


Speaking of politics, I often give Mitt campaign advice. He trusts me. I’m also his fashion consultant. Mitt never knows what to wear when he’s campaigning.


Like he asked me the other day, “Joe, I’m campaigning in rural Iowa tomorrow. What should I wear?” I thought about it for a second. “That’s easy,” I said, “we’re talking serious hayseeds, so a flannel shirt is probably a good idea. Roll up the sleeves. And lose the jeans with the creases in them. Wear overalls. What are overalls? Google Image it. Get a tractor and stand next to it, but don't sit on it -- remember what happened to Dukakis and the tank?"



“How about Mississippi?” he asked once. I thought about it. “If I were you, Mitt, I wouldn’t even go there,” I replied. “They’ll never like you down there, no matter what. But if you’ve got to go, wear a white suit. It’ll make you look like God. God dresses in white.” Mitt nodded. “So a Confederate uniform with my brown Gucci loafers would be too much?” he asked. I nodded. “You don’t want to pander, Mitt.”  Then Mitt said, “I don't?”


One day, he was supposed to eat with some voters at an IHOP in Scranton, PA. “Remind me, Joe,” he said, “do I like blueberry pancakes or waffles?” I had to think about that one. “Well,” I said, “you liked waffles when you were governor of Massachusetts, but now you like pancakes. Pancakes versus waffles is a powerful issue. You should probably play it safe and just order eggs.”


“People think I’m robotic,” Mitt complained one day. “They say I’m emotionless.” I shook my head. “Nonsense,” I opined. “I saw you smile once at a debate.” Mitt tried to recall. He shook his head. “No, that was a grimace,” he said. “I had to pee really badly.”


“Look, just be yourself, Mitt,” I told him one day when he was sitting in my barber chair for his hourly sideburns tune-up. Mitt swiveled to face me. “Okay,” he said, “that’s good advice. But who am I?’






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A waitress in a New Hampshire diner asks Mitt whether he wants bacon, sausage or ham with his pancakes. Mitt talks to adviser, then answers "Yes."
John, thanks for this wonderful post on the inside story! "black shoe polish and kindergarten paste"--also great for sealing a new toilet to the floor instead of those waxy rings that hardware stores sell!
They might think he is impersonating Colonial Sanders.
Your porbably the only person Mitt hasn't layed off.

It is stories like these that keep me from going to the salon. Now everyone really knows why I wear all of these hats. No one wants to see what I've got going on under here. :)


P.S. Please send my best regards to your lovely wife.
How did you keep him from eating the paste before you mixed it with the black shoe polish ?
I hope you told him not to wear a red plaid shirt in Iowa.. Is it not hunting season???
Just saying..:)
Fun stuff! Thanks for sharing.
I wondered, looking at your picture, if you were, you know, in the hair trade. This explains so much...
You do realize, "Joe," that if this doofus makes it into the White House we're coming after you?
Poor Mitt, the more he shows his naked desire for the presidency, the less people want to vote for him. Maybe he should try crying like a toddler denied candy at the check-out aisle. Might show he's human, at least.
I think he usually goes with the waffles.
Hilarious piece, John.
John - I don't know if Mitt's gonna keep him around. When Joe asked him "Blow Dry"? Mitt said "Are you kidding - I'm Morman"! R
You mean, his wife doesn't tell you how to cut his hair?
Finally. News from the republican race that INTERESTS me! Thank you!
Very funny, John.

(And I have to say, this is one time I'm glad I got what I asked for: Good to see you.)
You know, you're setting him up to lose, and then he'll have to run again in 2016, and it's all your fault. Have some compassion, man!
you give better advice than your work on the hair color, barber john. the little white tufts above mitten's ears look like you stuck some cotton balls in there. try highlights. any BH salon can give you directions.

~waving at john from the paradise south of LA~
Now you've done it, John. Starting today, I won't be able to look at Romney smile/grimace without imagining where he 'd rather be at that moment...

Brutal. But anyone who would even touch Mitt's hair is a lot tougher than me.
Some of my worst decisions have been dealing with my hair!! :D

"Corporations are people, too. I feel your pain and your capital gains."
Did you Photoshop that picture? I have some doubts about Mitt allowing a bald barber with a ten dollar electric razor to touch his head.
You got this one in the catchers Mitt alright.
Yes, those effete waffle eaters will be the ruin of this country
This was a fun read. Now I know the inside story...
Only his hairdresser knows for sure.
Wait a sec, John. I thought Con Chapman was Mitt's hair stylist. Are you sure that it's really you?
If you really want to accompilsh something, do something with Trump's hair!
Best line:
"Then Mitt said, 'I don't?'"
Mitt's wife, Ann, was my sister's room mate in BYU. I asked her if Ann thought your buddy Mitt remember Judy. She said, "No". Not remembering a stunning 21 yr old red-head, I knew he didn't run on testosterone like real men and must be a droid.
Funny! The last line is best: "Who am i?"
LOL This was great- my favorite part is the conversation about Mississippi, "wear a white suit. It’ll make you look like God. "