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john blumenthal

john blumenthal
Location
California,
Birthday
January 05
Title
john_blumenthal (On Twitter)
Bio
Curmudgeon. Formidable braggart. Comedy writer. Eight books, 2 movies. Former associate editor at Playboy Magazine. Movies include "Short Time," (major flop), and "Blue Streak" (huge hit, no idea why.) Last three novels were "What's Wrong With Dorfman?" (St. Martin's Press), "Millard Fillmore, Mon Amour," (St. Martin's Press) and "Three and a Half Virgins" (Finalist, International Book Awards.) Latest book -- a spoof of romance novels called "Passing Wind of Love."

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Editor’s Pick
NOVEMBER 10, 2010 10:42AM

The First Draft of George W. Bush’s Memoir

Rate: 74 Flag

During my five year term as President of America, I had to make many impotent decisions. Dick told me being president would be easy but he was wrong, and you can only fool him twice so shame on me. Dick never told me there’d be a Congress. This was a big dose of realty for me.

  

I’m proud of my many initiatives, like establishing the Hometown Security Department and passing the Parakeet Act.

  

If I had it to do over again, I wouldn’t have raised the defecate.  But other presidents did that too. When you study history, sometimes you have to think about things that happened in the past.

  

I love this country. As George Washington, the Husband of our Country once said, “I wish I had more than two lives to give to my country.” I agree halfheartedly!

  

It was hard being President of America. Lots of folks didn’t think I did a good job, but like I always say, “People in glass houses should wear their shoes on the other foot.” I guess they never heard my speech about that in the Ross Garden.

  

I was The Decider, so I always did what Dick said.

  

One of my first hard desertions was deciding whether to finish reading My Pet Goat. I knew there was a crisis going on, but I really wanted to know what happened to the goat at the end of the book. This was tough, but I finished the book later. It took me a week because I had to look stuff up in my dictionary. Laura helped me. She used to be a Liberrian before she changed to Republican.

  

One of my favorite things was wearing that flight suit on that aircraft career to tell everybody that the Iraq War was a missionary accomplice. I looked pretty hot in that, I thought. If they’d given me a flight suit like that when I was in the Natural Guard, I would have stayed longer. No, maybe not. I’ll have to give that further consternation.

  

I know I took too long to activate myself to the crisis in New Orleans, but I thought Hurricane Katrina was a woman boxer not a rain storm until Brownie told me. I called him Brownie because his last name was Brown, not because I like brownies. That was a big misunderstanding in my administration.  

  

I love Texas. It’s the greatest state in the onion, if you ask me. Like they say “Nothing is certain in life except debt in Texas.”

  

You know, I still don’t understand why people made such a fuss about water boarding. When I was a kid, I used to love riding the waves at Kennybunkport and I thought the terrorist evil doors would too because they lived in the dessert. I know I’d love to ride a camel some day.

How do I feel now? To be honest, after five long years, I’m glad to be retarded from the Presidency of America, but I kinda miss the Ovary Office and that song, "Hail to the Chef."  

But my leprosy will live on forever.     

THE END

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Comments

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Hilarious! I laughed 'til I cried. John, you are not a well man.
Now I'm going to read it again.
This was so funny. I saw him on Oprah yesterday and thught it was someone else.
Rated with hugs
Did Bush dicktate this post to you or was it Chainy?
I'm now convinced that "W" was Leo Gorcey's love child.
Give this man a Pulitzer! Or a pull-out section! Or a pull-out method! Or a Pullman car! Or whatever.
Very funny, John. But I'd expect that from you.

(BTW, did you see that Financial Times story that says he'd have endorsed Obama if he'd been asked?)
Very funniferous John. I lafficated many times.
GW is one guy who deserves a book tore.
Brilliant, creative language play. Congrats on the EP!
First draft or final draft?


{[R]}
This is genius! I wish I could rate it a hundred times over! You nailed it! Hilarious. My favorite bit was the part about Hurricane Katrina being a woman boxer! Keep 'em coming!
John you are the Kitty Kelly of our times! I have to go change now cause u made me pee on myself...
Rrrrated
You are the craziest, John. And the funniest. Loved this.

Lezlie
And the worst thing I ever did drunk was disrupt mummy and daddy's dinner party with naughty sex talk!
That was great.
BTW-I found his official portrait inside the cover.

Click on~~~~

G W BUSHLEAGUE OFFICIAL PORTRAIT">
A well-earned EP. You are good enough, and by golly, I think you should try writing for the movies out in LA Califernya.

Bush is the best argument I've ever seen for mandatory abortions. Or as Charlie Rangel put it so well:

"So much for the myth of white superiority."
Hope you were paid well for the ghost writing.
I had to blink...you finally got an EP!!!!! Well deserved, very funny stuff John!
R
This is hilarious! And sadly, true.
Nice to see the humour get an EP.
I guess that explains the current state of our onion.
By the way, the reviews are in:

http://www.independent.co.uk/opinion/commentators/matthew-norman/matthew-norman-how-did-this-wastrel-ever-find-his-way-to-the-white-house-2129608.html
Can't quite get to funny on this man yet. He's a monstrous piece of shit.
At least he didn't puke on the Japanese Prime Minister like his dad did. Rated.
Laughing out loud! At work! Excellent.
Fantastic. Can I have a pet goat?
Future plans for W? Rap album with Kanye West. Getting a tattoo of "TEXAS" on his forehead, he already has one on his butt. Reality Show with Nicole Hilton called "Nicole's Bush."
R
Stop! That's so funny...can't stop laughing.
Good one! Yes his leprosy carries on, and all of us are glad he's retarded from the presidency.

Damn, why didn't any one tell him first there would be a Congress?
rated
I'm screeching. Yes, this is the George Bush we all miss so much.
his impotent decisions were decidedly flaccid.
Congress... isn't that another word for a Bill Clintonesque activity?
I'd post a meaningful comment, but I'm too busy laughing right now...
Excellent. But I will only really respect him if he wins a Country Mucus Award.

Love, Taylor Swift's Aunt
Wonderful what a good editor can do for a totally moronic writer.
This isn't quite as funny as the EP that says he was sorta smart sounding and nice on TV but yours is meant to be hysterically accurate.
John, there are two more books planned by the former President so he can hit the trifecta!
Excellent. I will rememberate this postlet for posterior.
I thought I was chortling because I was choking on a pretzel, but it's actually because this is very funny!
This is really funny John but I am afraid I have to conclude with Russ Bakers editorial in the Daily News today (http://www.nydailynews.com/opinions/2010/11/10/2010-11-10_george_w_bushs_book_is_classic_karl_rove_spin.html) the implications of this book being number one on the best seller list are dire to say the least.
Well, as the saying goes, "If you like Bush, you don't know Dick!"

P.S. Great post, John Blumenthal.
You are freaking hilarious!!!
I hate it when I blow a joke! That was suppose to read: John W. Blumenthal
Well done, John! I found not a single misteak - not even a misspelling of nucular ! Plus I could read it in one sitting, and it's hilarious to boot. ~R
When you study history, sometimes you have to think about things that happened in the past.

This whole article is so rich, but this sentence is my favorite part. RRRR for everything.
Thanks, John, you just saved me a trip to Barnes and Noble. Nice to know Dubya's diction has imnproved since he left the White House.
This was the version they should have put out! I especially liked the part about the terroists living in the "dessert"--sweet.
(that WAS intended, right?) R
Congraduations on landing the ghost riding job! I'll bet Bush was fun to hang up with.
I kind of want to post this all over the internet - you are one of the funniest people alive.
@aim: Be my guest. And thanks for the praise.
blu, you were chaneling W like Whoopi chaneled Swayze in Ghost. How does it feel?
nice work man. you should team up with this cartoonist dude. great minds think alike. this could be an illustration for your post.
other things the bush family keeps in jars
Oooooooh, that's WICKEDLY good.
Holy shite, this is hilarious. You should have ghost written for him.
I watched him on Oprah, too, and wondered if he actually remembered being president. Loved this piece! Genius!
nice to see you back at your corniest, john. the parakeet act is brilliant. an EP!! see, emily actually does like funny writers, even you. ; )

would never have added that emoticon but for, well, you know ...
ROTFLMAO! Thanks for a good laugh, John!
Thank you thank you thank you. I am laughing so hard! Delightful, sly, and wonderful! Ahhh, it's good to have Bush in the limelight again. He's always great fodder for talented comics!
Laugh out loud funny, even with the knowledge that some of this is very close to reality! This deserves a much wider audience. I hope you're shopping it around.
R
I had to come back to rate this one. Classic JB.
I had to come back to rate this one. Classic JB.
Absolutely laugh out loud funny!
Best Wishes,
Blittie
ah waterboarding into wave riding. oh, W. rated
Terrific! Enjoyed every word! Rated
I guess if we can't make sense of it all - why not humor ourselves. ???