In the latest issue of Esquire, writer Goeff Dwyer frets that "[t]he blowjob has fallen on hard times." What he really means is that the female-delivered not-so-enthusiastic average quality male-received blowjob is on the wane, but even sticking to heterosexuality, Dwyer simply doesn't know where to look. Firstly, he pits fellatio against cunnilingius in some kind of oral sex bracket game, as if the two cannot coexist peacefully and be enjoyed mutually. Secondly, he ignores the spaces where men and women are celebrating women who love to open their mouths.

Blowjobs are, in fact, popular enough that Violet Blue's The Ultimate Guide to Fellatio was revamped for a second edition, while sex educator Jamye Waxman is teaching a bjowljob bootcamp at Toronto sex toy store Come As You Are in May where you can "Learn about the frenulum, the taint and how to go down deeper. Find out why gagging can be sexy, and why enthusiasm gets you farther." Other books on the market: Fellatio 101, Going Down: An Illustrated Guide to Giving Him the Best Blow Job of His Life, Blow Him Away and Oral Sex He'll Never Forget: 52 Positions and Techniques Guaranteed to Blow Your Man Away. Camille Crimson and her partner Mike Flirt have a whole series of videos dedicated to The Art of the Blowjob and she writes, "From an industry standpoint, although blowjobs are really popular, they're either treated as a boring prelude to sex or they're really rough and there's very little skill involved. We wanted to show that a blowjob can be beautiful and something exciting for both men and women, so it felt like a calling."

Perhaps Dwyer's use of Updike's poem "Fellatio" is telling. Dwyer says that Updike celebrated "that each of these clean secretaries / at night, to please her lover, takes / a fountain into her mouth." But what's happening now is different, because women are giving blowjobs to please themselves at least as much as to please their lovers, and as someone who falls into that category, I believe this kind of ownership of the BJ can be a little unsettling for men used to having to wheedle their way between a woman's lips. We don't just like going down, we talk about it, in detail. We're not closing our eyes and hoping the guy will come quickly; we want to savor every last moment of it, from start to messy finish. Violet Blue offers up a FAQ on "What Do Men Taste Like?" (answer: "The taste of come can be neutral, slightly sweet or lightly tart, or stronger, salty, musky. Things that can make the flavor of semen strong or pungent are vitamins, asparagus, beets, coffee, cigarettes, a diet high in red meats or garlic.") while blogger Chelsea G. Summers delivers a deep-throating primer ("Take a moment and think about your mouth and throat. Now pull the base of your tongue at the back of your throat down, as you would if you were about to yawn. Think about making a big, round cave at the back of your throat as you kind of retract the base of your tongue.") In a list of "rules for blowjobs for women," Selena Kitt's first and most important one is to enjoy it. I concur; not only is it obvious if you're not into it, but you can get much more out of it if you find a way to make it work for you. But I digress. My point is that female pleasure is now as much a part of the straight blowjob equation as male pleasure.

The idea that women don't like giving head is part of what's fueled the launch of Masque, a line of sweet-flavored strips that dissolve on your tongue and are designed to "mask" the scent of semen. Their about page states, "We understand that, for some, the tastes associated with fellatio can make the act less than enjoyable." I'm not their target audience, as I have enjoyed giving blowjobs since I started doing it, and neither is blogger Minx Grrl, who tested all four flavors (watermelon, mango, strawberry and chocolate), and wrote, "I doubt my test subject could pick which one his favorite was, but I may have added a little more gusto to my cock sucking since I really enjoyed the mango...I love the taste of my Master so the mango was a lovely side note to him as opposed to masking his flavor altogether." Minx Grrl also posted recently about coming for the first time from receiving oral sex, further proof that fellatio and cunnilingus are not mortal enemies but friendly erotic teammates.

On the other hand, though, we're still debating things like whether facials are inherently degrading. The idea that women don't like giving oral sex is so pervasive that sometimes, for those of us who do like it, we're treated as anomalies, outliers whose judgment simply cannot be trusted. Just as we shouldn't be pitting fellatio against cunnilingus, we shouldn't be pitting BJ-lovers against BJ-haters (though those poles are pretty extreme). I'm in the lover camp, and in fact I would consider a guy who didn't like getting blowjobs a dealbreaker, but thankfully have only enountered that type of guy once. That doesn't mean, however, that I've loved every blowjob I've given, am always in the mood, or that I can't understand why someone wouldn't be into it. To each their own.

I think the problem Dwyer highlights isn't the lack of blowjobs being enjoyed by givers and receivers but the fact that sex acts are not and will never be "trends," no matter how much writers want them to be (see AJ Daulerio's 2010 "Hey You: Bring Back the Handjob"). They might get highlighted in pop culture and I think public displays of sexuality are a good thing in terms of bringing awareness and entertainment, but just as interns weren't climbing under their boss's desks in the wake of the Monica Lewinsky scandal and otherwise non-kinky women aren't racing to emulate the submission in Fifty Shades of Grey, men aren't missing out on blowjobs simply because Dwyer says they are. And if you are a guy and aren't getting your dick sucked as often as you like, look harder for someone who wants the same thing you want.

Before someone comes back at me with the claim that I'm making it more challenging for the straight women who don't like going down to avoid it, let me be clear that I don't think blowjobs or anything else should be mandatory in bed. You have to figure out what you like and what your partner likes and the Venn diagram of where those intersect, and if there is no intersection, that's a problem you'll need to resolve in order to have a satisfying sex life.

While not all women (or gay men) love giving head, I'm pretty sure the days of the reluctant but willing secretary are on the wane, and those of us who want to be blowjob queens straight out of Liz Phair's classic nineties song "Flower" are doing so, and we don't need Esquire or anyone else to tell us we don't exist.