The word is out! I'm back, baby! Even that runt Bill Maher says I've got my mojo back. I'm partying like its 2008. I've been reading those progressive blogs and they are right: I've been nothing but a big ass pussy, walking around while grabbing my ankles with a "Kick me!" sign on my back - one that I wrote myself!

After the 2010 elections I even had to change my sign: "Kick me HARDER!"

But those days are over now my job is in jeopardy. The new Obama is B.A.D.A.S.S! If Republicans are the disease, I'm the cure. Did you see where I said they would "fundamentally cripple America"? I'm taking those bastards down!

I also changed my code name to "Shaft" with the secret service.


Like my predecessor said, to be a truly great President you have to be a WAR President. I say bring on the war, baby! Happy now, Osama bitch? We're picking off those terrorists one by one, civilian casualties be damned! What the hell, it's only the people you know who count. I've got over 7,000 predator drones flying around popping people left and right. Bet you didn't know so many people needed killing! Well, folks, that's super secret special knowledge only I have!

And this year I'm asking Congress for FIVE BADASS BILLION for even more drones. If you think there's a better use for that money you're just sick in the head with NO sense of reality. Sorry, folks, but I'm telling like it is. Want to know how important terrorism is? I even announced waivers for countries using child soldiers! We have to be nice to them so they'll let us kill terrorists who could hurt my chances for reelection. (Oh, spare me your liberal guilt. They keep them drugged up so they never know what hit them.)


And don't forget the economy (I know I did. OOPS!) I know unemployment figures have not improved, the big banks are bigger than ever (In 1995, six of the largest banks controlled assets equivalent to 17% of GDP, in January 2011, their assets controlled over 45%!), the future has been mortgaged by my No Banker Left Behind program and the outlook is very grim. But that doesn't mean I don't know what I'm doing!

I have those greedy bastards under my thumb now! I've gotten all sorts of super great regulation passed along with a whole new agency in the name of protecting little people. Of course, I could have given them the money to pay off their mortgages instead of giving trillions to the banks but hey, it's too late now. No more money left! These are the economic realities what we adults in the room have to face.

Trust me, the bankers will never, ever take down the economy again. Now there's some hope and change you can believe in!


So I'm asking you, friends, Do you know what time it is? It's time to "Stop complaining, stop grumbling, and stop crying." In other words, if you're suffering how about a nice big cup of STFU! Nobody gets saved when you criticize your savior! Praising me is praising yourself! Don't you want to believe your President is a good man? Then just do it! The only way to believe in yourself is to believe in me. And I'm here to tell you I believe in YOU!

We're a good country at heart. We may be greedy but there's no price to pay for that. Baby Jesus loves our wars making us safe. I'm fighting the good fight only I can. So please, suffer your woes and worries unto me, the Democratic Jesus, the savior you must support or DIE!

After all, who do you want fucking you? A godly Democrat or a mean ol' Republican??