Poppi Iceland

Poppi Iceland
66N, the land of the ice and fire
November 11
keeper of history
hubby and six snow cats
viking princess, happy wanderer who still debates the value of growing up.


Poppi Iceland's Links

APRIL 30, 2011 2:17AM

When I Disappear

Rate: 25 Flag

         So, I am back after my two month hiatus from OS.  I have 751 messages in my inbox. 

         I tend to disappear when I feel overwhelmed. When things get to be too much, I start to shut down.  It's like a meter in my brain hits a certain point and that's it, I go on standby. Survival mode.  Eat, sleep, read, work.   Quiet mode.  Anything electronic goes off.  It is quiet.  I recently worked 2 jobs to play catch up on some bills. I became exhausted and quit one then went into standby on my long deserved days off.

        People have told me it's a sign of depression. If that's true, then I must have been born depressed because I have been doing this all my life. Besides, I took all those depression tests and the results indicated I was not depressed.

        My Dad told me I did this as an infant. If there was too much commotion I would find the quietest place I could and just curl up and take a nap.  I would disappear.

       "Where did Poppi disapppear to?" was a common phrase in our house.

       I dragged my self home from my last day at the second job and I knew it was time to disappear. Shut the phone off, the computer, the fax, the mobiles. No ringing buzzing or beeping. No pager, no texts.  Just blessed silence.

      I stopped at the farm store to stock up on animal feed. I avoid stores when I disappear. so when I feel this need to go away lurking in my head, I stock up on everything.

     I walked into the fanfare of hundreds of chicks and ducklings peeping. Music to my overworked ears. I bought two ducklings. Little balls of downy feathers and 25 pounds of chick feed.

    Peep peep peeep all the way home. Five days off from work. Five days of glorious peace and quiet.

    Two ducklings, five kittens,mama and daddy and auntie snowcats, grumpy old orange boy kitty meowing.

     My husband fell in love with the ducklings. They were the perfect distraction for him while I went into invisible mode.

    I took a six hour nap that first day home. Then I read and drank tea curled up with the snowcats.

    "Poppi, does your brain hurt?" asked my husband.

     "Kind of, it's just too busy, I hate noises. It's hard to describe."

      "Hold the duckies, you'll feel better"

     Tea, jaffa cakes, a blanketful of kittens and ducks on my lap and a good book.  The wind howled outside, driving the rain against the side of the house.  The cats purred and stretched, happy I was there with them in their sleepy, content world.

    I  woke five hours later, not quite sure what day it was. The ducks and kittens were gone.  Eddie had put them in their beds and he was curled up on the sofa with the reindeer hide blanket and two of the big cats.  It was still raining.

   I did this routine for four days.  Sleep, eat, shower, clean pajamas, hang out with the animals, read.

   "Call your sister, she's been sending you messages"

    I open the cell phone to read her text:

    "Poppi, where have you disappeared to.  Call me."

     This quiet time has lasted almost two months.  I have shut the world off except for the three days a week that I am working. Ed barely watch tv, we've spent time with our growing ducklings and kittens. We haven't even opened the mail. We lived in a small world for a while. Read books we havent been able to for months, ate breakfast in bed and a few suppers too.  Watched a lot of sunrises, sunsets, falling stars and rising moons.

     We talked about everything and anything, the animals and their personalities, trips we had taken, people we knew, funny stories from childhood, places we wanted to go, where and what to plant this spring.

     It was like going back in time. Time before cell phones and computers and 24 hours news stations. Time was ours, to do with as we pleased. To cook and eat at leisure, not on the run. To light candles and a cozy fire and listen to the music of the rain and the singing of the wind.

    That's where I disappear to.  :)

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A very beautiful place to go...and deserved. The overload of this modern society plays havoc on the sensitives and I too have been learning to shut it down when I feel the need. There are obligations, routines, all things superimposed on us by this age we live in, but we are still in some control of our destinies. It is a gift to have the shut down mode, to relax and regroup, to read, to relax, to re capture ourselves...

Depression, is it really? Or are we the last holdout of the "clever" ones, the ones who understand ourselves, the true influence of our universe.....

Nice to see you pop up here Poppi! No worries.
You make it all sound quite inviting and I think I need some of that kind of solitude myself. It is good to see you back in here.
Pleased you're back. :)

Sounds like sanity. I disappear, too, but usually only for an hour or two at a time. It's the perfect way to tell the world to get lost for a while. Always good to have you back.
It sounds as though you've always known how to repair you life, very sensible! Welcome back to writing, you take it slow, okay?
Good place. Stay cool, kiddo: we love you. Do me a favor, though, would you? Hold a duckie for me for a few minutes. Thanks.
Blessed silence. "To light candles and a cozy fire and listen to the music of the rain and the singing of the wind." Perfect bliss and wisdom all of this is to me.
I missed you too, Poppi. I thought of you often - well, every time my daughter talks about her Iceland memories. World hasn't been too pretty lately, but it's good to see you back.
It sounds very healing..."Watched a lot of sunrises, sunsets, falling stars and rising moons..." It's nice to hear you again, Poppi Iceland. :)
Sounds nice. (Sounds like my life! sans husband and ducks and job...) Glad to see you back.
Sounds very serene.I have a tendancy to do something very similar,!cutting off contact and insulating myself when the world gets to be a bit too much. Welcome back.
Poppi, I am so glad to see you. This post makes so much sense to me. The need to retreat, the need to disappear...I would never think of it as depression. I think of it at decompressing. Recharging. Resting.
I loved the description of the chicks.
"Does your brain hurt?" He understands, doesn't he?
I have to do this too. To survive...
I just love the way you wrote this.~r
Glad to see you here and know that we are all here for you.
It sounds like a very good and healing disappearance. I have missed you, but I do understand. Welcome back!
Welcome back!!!

DUCKIES!!!!!! :)

Finding a way to step back and consolidate within yourself and ground yourself seems reasonable to me.
I'm glad you understand and were able to 'go'...
It doesn't sound like depression to me, more like a sensitive soul, and sensitive to stimuli...
I loved reading your descriptions of your renewal time, and glad to see your name back again. : )
Nice work if you can get it.
Sounds heavenly.r
Poppi I was wondering and am very pleased that all is well with you. Your retreat sounds wonderful and restful with a loving mate and warm animals......if that is depression, it pretty good. Anyway, welcome back and I'm sure your other OS friends share my welcome. I look forward to hearing more once again. rated
It doesn't sound like depression, if I had to describe Heaven on Earth it would be a lot like your post. I'm happy for you to be able to have it. I too require peaceful silence and slipping into serenity. Thanks for painting a lovely picture.
Oh I am glad you are back but I do to like the fact when time was more our own than a bunch of broadcasting electronic devices.
It sounds like the most wonderful place in the world....
Welcome back, my friend. We missed you. R
I am glad you are back. I missed you very much.
I sooooo get this....and I want those ducklings and kittens to hang out with while I head in the same direction for a while...sounds lovely!
It is good to be back. I have missed you all and I have so much reading to catch up on here on OS. So I will try to read and comment as much as I can.
The duckies are getting bigger, huge actually! They went for a swim in a little fish pond we made for them. I will be posting more about duckies, kitties, our up coming royal wedding (my sister Bebe is getting married) and random weirdness of my world. Love you all!!
Sounds like your coping skills are very well developed! Sounds like what snow days were for me as a teacher... so much quiet.
It sounds wonderful. Glad to see you back.