I just blew a bunch of job or job prospects. Not meaning to blow them or maybe really meaning to blow them. I am being stalked by someone in the unemployment office who keeps screwing up my unemployment extension by rolling new boulders into my path, forcing me to go into the office week by week and sort things out. I don't know who this person is, but they think I do not deserve the extension. The latest screw job is a letter stating that they've OVERPAID me for a year and I owe the unemployment office $742 dollars! Are they crazy? I'm unemployed! If they "overpaid" me isn't that their error?I have to go back in on Monday. I thought I made a friend there--Jim. But I guess not.

I was supposed to do an interview at the Botanical Gardens which is two trains, a metra and a bus away. It would take me an hour and a half each way and cost about $15-20 a day. Was this even possible for a part time $8.00/hour job? I decided not. I don't own a car. Was I wrong? Aren't we poor Americans doing ANYTHING for a job? Apparently not.  

 Do I mean to blow off these jobs? What's the matter with me? I can no longer stomach anything! The lastest fiasco was being yelled at and intimidated by a 300-pound 6'4" African American self described "young lion" in the telemarketing room of a famous Symphony. (Guess which one!) He locked the door on the room one evening and said no one was leaving until somebody made a sale! He stood over you and YELLED at the top of his lungs WHILE YOU WERE ON THE PHONE WITH SOMEONE. It was a completely crazy environment. I was afraid my blood pressure would rise so far I would die of a stroke or heart attack. I left.

I had a very unsuccessful interview at J. Crew for a sales/personal shopper position. I received the most strange and cryptic typed letter from the young child-like man who interviewed me. It felt like a rejection of me personally. "We are not going forward with your application." I felt as if I  had been ripped apart and told I was unworthy. For that interview I had dressed to the teeth and straightened my hair!

I don't know where to go anymore. I blew off an adjunct instructor's job fair for City College of ______. I was afraid getting fired from my previous teaching job would haunt me there. I was afraid I don't want to teach people who don't want to learn. I am afraid of racism, sexism, ageism and classism.

I am caught without a job for over a year.I am beginning to wonder if I am employable. I am also noticing that my attitude sucks. Some Americans are willing to take anything.

Even with my poverty, I cannot take "anything" any more.  I am 63 and some things make me so tired I can't even think about them--like telemarketing. And some things terrify me--like teaching inner city adults who hate white people. I am sorry if this sounds racist. I don't mean it to be. This is all new to me. I know they are probably justified and I am always trying to see life from the eyes of another, but at a certain point I ask myself--what can I bleeping do about it? I can't help it that I am white! I don't want to feel ashamed or proud of it. I just want to share what I've learned and be judged by the content of my character rather than the color of my skin. 

I am not sure I can stand up for 8 hours in a place where everyone is 30 years younger than me.

I don't know where my place in this society is anymore.