just phyllis

just phyllis
Small Town, Indiana, USA
November 13
Blogging with PTSD --------------- "Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around." - Leo Buscaglia _____________________________________ All works ©Phyllis45, the author of this blog. _____________________________________ Also posting at Our Salon http://oursalon.ning.com/ http://oursalon.ning.com/profile/Phyllis


MAY 10, 2012 6:57PM

I Hate Weddings. And Bugs. And Sticks. And Hormones. And...

Rate: 22 Flag

Disclaimer: I am going to rant because I have to vent my spleen. My niece is getting married Saturday, and it's either get all of this out here, where it's safe, or eat my last roll of Thin Mints, keep all of my spleen inside of me, and possibly erupt at the wedding. So if you don't want to share my pity party I'd leave now.

I had another revelation in the shower this morning. Two, actually. I hate weddings. And I need a man. You know the kind of man I mean. The guy you hook up with in a dingy apartment on mostly clean, cheap sheets, screw each others brains out, then go home in balance again and get a good sleep. His apartment, not yours, so he doesn't know where you live. But you can always go back to the bar next weekend and see if he's still interested. If you want to.

Why do I hate weddings? I've been thinking about that. First, I've never had one so I don't quite understand why you would spend thousands of dollars on a dress, flowers and renting tuxedos when you could use that money to hire a band and throw a party. Second, I've never had a friend or a family member invite me to help plan a wedding. There's all this magic and emotions and bonding and remember when going on and I am ostracized from being a part of it. I'm always invited to come and bring a gift, though, and watch the inside group have fun from a distant table.

High school- three of my friends got married. One asked me to watch the guest book but on the day of the wedding one of his family members showed up so they asked me to step aside. One invited me to watch her wedding. One didn't invite me for anything.

My older sister got married twice. I didn't really expect her to invite me to share because she didn't like me. Or me, her.

My younger sister got married twice. The first time she was in Texas and I was in Indiana. The second time, we were both in Texas. She thought I hated her husband so she barely invited me to the wedding. I think she wouldn't have if Mom & Dad hadn't been around.

Did I hate her husband? No. I was jealous and hurt because she dumped me flat as I was coming home from Desert Storm because she started dating this guy she met at a bar who was in and out of jail, and I never got a chance to know him, but I didn't hate him. You can't hate someone you don't know.

My bosses daughter got married about two years ago. She told me I couldn't come to the wedding because she didn't want to turn it into a "work" event, but she secretely invited two people who didn't like her to attend. She didn't know they didn't like her; they were that two-faced. She has since told me that she goofed but that doesn't help much.

Now my niece is getting married. I thought, since she keeps telling me that I'm her favorite relative and she loves me more than her Mom, that I would be invited in. I was wrong. She wants me to come and watch and not be involved in the preparations at all. Her friends her age are in the wedding, as it should be. No problems there at all. She has another friend a bit older than me who is doing the table favors and setting up the reception hall. That hurts. My sister got to help with the bridal shower. I was invited to attend. Then my sister was going to skip the bachelorette gig because she can't drive at night and the bride asked me to bring her down with me, which I was going to do anyway just so that sis wouldn't try to horn in on the later night festivities. She's getting a bit prudish. So apparently I'm good for a chauffeur, too.

So again, I am shut out. I don't understand why it happens as it usually ends up with the other person regretting it. "Oh, I should of asked you to be there. I'm so sorry I didn't." is what I usually get to hear. Do they mean it? Or do actions speak louder?

So, this morning, I realized my self-destructive streak has kicked in. I need to go somewhere with music and booze and get hit on by a not-trashy guy. Prospects for men at work are hopeless. I was talking to our Xerox rep today. A very classy woman a bit older than me who lives in Indy and lived in D.C. for a year. Cosmopolitan, well dressed, intelligent, good looking. She can't find a man, either, and she's actually trolled the dating sites and lives in a city.

So here I sit in my back yard in a breeze that's cooling off feeling sorry for myself. No prospects for trouble, not even my newly divorced neighbor because he already has a new girlfriend. She hasn't moved in yet so he's still friendly. We'll see if he cools off. He did when the wife was there. 

I have to get over myself about this wedding before 2:45 p.m. Saturday. That's when I have to be at the church for the family pictures. Yes, I get to participate in those.

I know- It's her wedding. She gets to choose. But why didn't she choose me?

Time to stuff it all back inside now. And I really wish the bugs would quit landing on my legs. The little shits tickle.


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I hear ya, Phyllis. Dr. Chicken prescribes what you've already indicated as the best treatment: Get thee to a friendly bar, allow yourself to be picked up by a not-trashy guy and...go to it. And you won't even need to call me in the morning!
Thanks, Dr. Chicken. Could you point me to the appropriate "pharmacy?"
Girl, I totally hear you about the wedding shit. I'm never an insider and I had one of the damn things! I suggest a recreational adult beverage establishment out of town (how far is Indy?), so that you don't accidentally bang a student (I read a story about that once). Oh and go to threekidsandafish 's blog here and read about her going out dirty dancing one night. It's a hoot! My husband says people only go to weddings to hook up, so maybe your niece is doing you a favor by leaving you free time to check out the possibilities. (hugs)
MM, Indy is more than an hour away. But, school's out for summer (sing it loud) so most of the students are gone, or going. Graduation is this coming weekend, too. Ooh, I could give one of them a going away present... No, I need someone older who's been snipped.
An outsider at your own wedding?!?! That's awful. How about a do-over, skip the dress, and invite me to the party.
I'll bet you feel better already after that rant. I don't get weddings either and the cult thereof that has grown up in recent years. I had to pony up for my daughter's wedding. I said I would rather just give her the money and have her get married on the beach. You'd think I'd asked her to cut off her arm. R
Gerald, I understand. The beach would be perfect, in my book. Portable generators for the band. Bonfires and tiki torches. Margarita bar.

Okay, who wants to throw a reception with me?
As I remember a good night of uninhibited sex is just what you need to put up with all the BS of a wedding, otherwise you might have too much champagne and embarrass all present not to mention yourself. Could be worse, you could be an old white dude with no money... then you're truly invisible.
jmac- it seems that being an almost 50 year old woman who's never married makes me a bad risk. What, you didn't know that? I have it on good authority from several of the local male population. They'd rather hang with someone divorced 6 times and having 12 kids by 13 different men than me. Because she's willing to take a chance.

And I'm having too much tequila right now. Maybe that will do the trick.
Ah, Phyllis. Most people who get invited "in" to all the wedding frenzy wish they had a polite way to say no without harming a relationship.
High Lonesome, that's good to know. Perhaps I can be smug for having avoided all of that over the years? Nah.

But I am off to bed now. It's all caught up. That, and I've been awake for 15 hours. Yikes!
This was a good read and I could identify. My sisters always got to stand up to weddings, be bridesmaids, etc. I did get to sing at one once. My sister asked me to stand up to her wedding, but my mother maid her do it. So there you go. I became an event planner and did fund development for non profits. So I got to do whatever I wanted to, haha!!!! People loved my events.
Could not agree more! My sister had me sing her wedding, stuck up in the choir lift in the back by myself with her friend playing the organ - yuck! Have a drink.
been welded for 34 yrs...never had a wedding...2 peeps...justice of the peace,(?), big hoohaw seemed kinda silly to me...just a formality,yer married in yer mind, not on paper. go,relax, enjoy,wishem the best.
Phyllis, I went to my nephew's wedding this past weekend. Actually, you should consider yourself lucky to be able to attend without all the hassle. Try to look at it that way. Just go, have fun, loosen up, be the great aunt you are, and make your niece feel sorry she didn't ask you to participate more. Also, dance, dance, dance. That always makes me feel better.
Good read phy and I do hope you feel more centered now. Weddings can suck, can't say I've been to a good one except the next one I go to this fall will be my daughters and that will be a true exception.

And for what its worth, if this is the neighbors first post divorce girlfriend, statistically its probably doomed. You want to be last not first if he's a keeper.
Weddings are the best places to get drunk and find that person to have a cheap sexy relations with, then wake up and realize, I JUST HAD SEX WITH MY COUSIN EARL!!

Awkward indeed!! ~:D
Yep, I was really with it last night. 9:30 pm was 21 hours awake, not 15. M-hm. Slept good, though.
Sheila, that sounds perfect- throwing parties for a living. Hm-m.

Nilesite, I had three and drank them fast. Hence the inability to do math. I always envied the person on the balcony, BTW. They were far away from my family.

Steel, I think I can do that now. Thanks for the words of wisdom.

Deb, dancing would be good. Hoping there's a dance area. And that it doesn't include the chicken dance.

Asia, good point on the neighbor. Don't know why she would move in, though, if it's not for keeps. Congrats on the daughter's wedding. Hope it's wonderful.

Tink, no Earl in the family but I do find my ex-bro-in-law strangely fascinating...
Count yourself and your bottom line lucky you are not in the "inner circle" of any wedding. It costs plenty dinero to buy a bridesmaids dress that makes you look like an explosion at a clown factory, believe me. Just go, hang out on the outskirts and enjoy the abberent behaviour, drink the open bar down to a puddle, eat a thousand swedish meatballs, and if there are no man prospects, at least you didn't end up with a student by accident. (Somebody said they did that somewhere here in the comments.) Chin up, chickee!
Good luck dear. I have been married twice and both were at the courthouse and held at the Justice of the Peace office.

I hear ya on the lack of men when you get older too.

'Round these parts, fifty something men that are not already seriously screwed up and single are as rare as hen's teeth...
Linnn, swedish meatballs would be yummy! You guys are helping me to get in the proper mindset here.

Mission, I remember those men down there. One lady told me once that the first thing those old guys ask is, do you own your home. They don't like un-propertied ladies. Kinda shallow.
i hate to make excuses, and i may be wrong, but i do know that often this enters into lifetime decisions like this - they ask the people to help who will be aholes if they DONT get asked to help. if, by chance, you can be relied upon to not guilt them or otherwise erupt, it isnt that they find you less important - its that they have to appease the others. i think thats the number one thought in most wedding planning - "who is going to get the most bent out of shape?" and then you cater to those people.

conversely, exactly opposite, some people feel like asking is an imposition, so they dont want to guilt anyone into "having to do stuff." you know, not everyone considers helping an honor, but a sucky obligation, so they might be trying to spare you "the bother."

that said? still sucks, and i am sorry. thanks for sharing with us, so you can hopefully have fun tomorrow. (they said we can use hopefully like that in a sentence now, remember?)
Boy do I hear you on this one! I have come to the realization that an invitation, is NOT an obligation. I waitresssed for yrs. and can't tell you how many presents I have bought and how much I was ignored at weddings..and after! These fake friends are not necessary. All my life I have moved around and my job has huge turn over, so I never made friends for real. It is unfortunate but they already have their friends and are not looking for anyone else. But these people still think you are nice and want to include you for the rides, presents, or whatever. I have learned(after much struggle over the yrs) to be my own friend. I am married to a very good man, but I don't believe you need a man to have a complete life. If I were in your position I would have that drink and whoopey up a storm, enjoy what there is to enjoy. Loved this write, many things I wish I had said.lol.
Great post - loved it!

And, just saying, the niece sounds like a bit of a bitch. Good luck getting through the weekend!
I understand how you feel, even though I am married, but did so late in life (40s). I did most of the planning and preparation (only had 2 months to do so) along with my oldest friend who heroically stepped in as my maid of honor after I had to ask another friend to step down (we haven't spoken since, long story) because she was not helping me, only making things more difficult. My mother was in the psych hospital while the wedding preparations were under way and did not attend the wedding. Some family members were cruel and selfish and of no help whatsoever; my brother and only sibling did not attend. I could blather on, but the end result was a beautiful wedding and a bigger bill than we expected,but it was the best party I've ever been to which made it worth every penny. I am sorry you feel left out, and hope you find a nice trashy guy (or maybe not trashy?) soon. xo
phyllis, it it my opinion it is their loss, not yours. Just hope there's an open bar and drink like an Irishman on crack!
You guys are great!

DJ, knowing my niece, neither of these are the case. She had a plan and she worked it and she is going to have the wedding she wants to have. Hopefully is a good word. Glad we can use it properly, now.

Cindy, you get it. People, generally, do not welcome newbies into the inner circle. I plan to have a good time, trust me.

Amy, she's just analytical. Her degree was accounting. I do love her; just got my feelings hurt. Bad.

Erica K, I'm glad your end result was good. Positive thoughts on the guy.

Scanner, thanks, dude. I plan to imbibed until I start to see cute guys everywhere. That's the signal to head out alone.
By the way, love the new dress and heels. Very snappy!
I hope I'm not too late Phyllis! Here's my advice: BLOW OFF the wedding. Do what I do when things like this come up where you know you're going to get there feeling bad and feeling even worse when you leave: Say you've come down with a 24-hour bout of: ebola; necrotic fasciitis; pustulent leprosy; or 16-foot intestinal parasites that make it impossible to sit comfortably (or a combination of the above). No bride worth her too-snug overdone strapless dress will want you in her pictures or anywhere near the buffet table. Weddings turn brides and everyone around them into strange beasts and it's best to stay out of the way. Then spend the day pampering yourself shamelessly. It'll also help you forget about the man thing.
MM, thanks. The dress is so nice I'm thinking of making one for myself.

Margaret, anyone who took offense at a 16' intestinal virus as an excuse is indeed someone we don't want to know. My pampering would be raking sticks, which I hate, and mowing. So putting on makeup and ironing my hair is the better option today.

The wedding is today. I have finished ovulating and have started the process to get an IUD so am no longer looking for trouble, as much, so I think I'll have a good time for my niece's sake. A role I'm used to.

Keep your fingers crossed that it doesn't rain.
What? Your dream machine would have a small boat inside the apartment?

J.P., I could go for that. Maybe my bed could become a boat... Hm.
I think many of us hate these supposedly wonderful events.

You might want to write more about your family relationships. Thanks for your service. Vets on OS showed me that no one begins to give more for their country!
Kathy, thanks. I don't talk much about my service years because, for me, it all wraps around the rape and court martials, and the post court martial year sucked. It was a definite eye opener on how people react to events. And I may interject family here and there but I just feel like a whiner sometimes.