Pavanne Veltman

Pavanne Veltman
Apeldoorn, Netherlands
October 08
Dreamer, creator, diplomat, procrastinator, hopeless romantic


MARCH 6, 2011 4:10PM

Burning Down the House

Rate: 8 Flag
I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve listened to this song over the years - while I was married, throughout my divorce, and during the aftermath.  Listening to it always used to conjure up images of a man so passionately in love with me, and so outraged by the way I’d been treated by my husband, that he wanted to kick his ass and get even for me at any cost.  So it strikes me as funny that, while there are certainly men who care for me, it’s the women in my life who have expressed the strong desire to take revenge.


In less than three weeks, our children and I will be moving out of my house and my ex-husband will be moving back into it.  He has removed the “for sale” sign, as I knew he would (even though no one believed me) and will have this big house all to himself.  He will live a block away from our children’s school, but rarely go there.  He will live two blocks from the forest I love to run in and walk my dog in, but hardly make use of it.  Our children will no longer be able to walk down or across the street and drop by to see if their friends want to play.  In the meantime, we will relocate to a house that is a quarter of its worth, in a neighborhood that I don’t feel entirely safe in, is not nearly as conveniently located, and is inhabited by people with whom I have nothing in common.  


I don’t mean to sound spoiled - I know there must be millions of people who are worse off than I - so I won’t complain.  I generally speak positively about it and I’m sure it will be fine, that we will be fine.  I’ll will make it my own and make a fresh start.  But I am sometimes upset by his dishonesty and angered by the injustice of it all.  The Dutch seem to have little regard for women, and their divorce laws lead me to wonder why any female in her right mind would ever want to get married here.  Being a foreigner, I didn’t have a clue and there’s no use hitting myself over the head about it now, although sometimes I do anyway.  Like it or not, I’m stuck here for the time being.


I don’t really have the stomach to write down all of the gory details, so I won’t.  I’m really so very over it all.  The story I set out to tell you was this.  On several occasions over the past six months, since I was forced to seek new accommodations, girlfriends of mine have expressed a fervent desire to trash, burn down, or otherwise destroy this house and avenge me.  One of them even offered to beat him up - I think she can take him...  No need to alert the authorities - none of them would actually do it and I wouldn’t want them to.  I’m a big girl and I’m doing my best to take care of myself.  I don’t need to be a victim, a damsel in distress waiting to be saved by a knight (or a queen) in shining armor.  But I was surprised and moved by their outpouring of love and genuine emotion.  I adore men, so don’t get me wrong, but I seriously doubt any one of them will ever hold a candle to any of my girlfriends.


So there you have it.  Time to stop procrastinating and start packing.  I’ve moved 22 times in my lifetime, and I’m sure this won’t be the last.  I guess I’m used to it by now, but it’s still a huge pain in the ass!  Wish I could wave a magic wand and be done with it.


Author tags:

moving, divorce, girlfriends, revenge

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Pavanne, if I could, I would be right beside you, helping to pack. I empathize with you, but know that your strong shining spirit will overcome - already has. It's my impression that many Dutch couples raise families without being married in the traditional sense. What your ex is doing, however, is unconscionable. Sending you warm hugs.
If I had the magic wand, I'd send it over.
Ex-husband would then be a toad and unable to enjoy a human house.
Clearly, the man doesn't have his children in mind...I'm so sorry for all the hassle, Pavanne.
I'd help you move if I were closer, after 22 moves, you're probably sick of it.
Fusun - yes, many Dutch couples don't get married. I have a few such girlfriends. One of them "divorced" at the same time as I did and she's even more screwed than I am.
Pavanne, there is a familiar quote: "living well is the best revenge". Please take very good care of you. [... and a good job with posting the video]
thanks Catherine - I plan to :-)
Pavanne, I went through divorce 6 years ago and I understand the severe turbulence it creates in ones life. Everything from where do I live, what friends will remain, what will happpen to my relationship with the kid(s), etc. I don't think of myself as being weak, but it almost killed me. Honestly it almost did. 6 years later I have a fantastic relationship with my daughter, a working relationship with the ex as far as raising our daughter, and a nice apartment that feels very much like home. I feel your pain and send you the best wishes possible for success, peace, and happiness in your new life.
Best to you now. So very difficult this time. Take care.
hope it works out for you.
"But I was surprised and moved by their outpouring of love and genuine emotion. "
wait, they threaten to beat him up, assault him etc, ie physical violence, assault & battery, and you think thats an "outpouring of love and genuine emotion". uh, didnt quite follow that one. maybe you left out a few details. or maybe you didnt.
You know I could take him! Say the word. XX
desert rat: thanks - glad you made it out alive!

Rita: thanks!

vzn: they love me, not him -- you're a guy, aren't you...?

shannon: oh yes, I'm sure you could! x
How terrible. What a raw deal. This is how the Dutch are? Liberal to all except women? That's awful.

I wish you all the luck, Pavanne. Have you considered moving back to the States? Men are more civilized here and will treat you as the fine woman you are.
My divorce was over last week and I am still taken by a persons ability to lie and to live so calmly with that lie. I have had people wish to beat his brains out, men and women friends. Your post hits a raw nerve and I am so concerned for you, especially because you have children.
I hope the best for you and know that when you are ready to heal the words will come out that allow you to do it.
rated with love
Leon: yup. My best friend makes half the salary a man would doing the same job and don't even get me started on their stand on pregnancy and childbirth - it's like living in a 3rd world country!

Romantic Poetess: you poor thing! Mine was final over a year ago, but that's never the end of it when you have kids. I used to think he was the most honest person I'd ever met - honest to a fault. In the past two years I came to realize that he was just an incredibly good liar. I've pretty much healed myself. It's just this whole move thing that has me a bit panicked. Good luck to you too! :-)