When someone makes an insolent remark, and displays passive-aggressive behavior through a "subtle" put down (I am not a dumb person), and does it repeatedly, what would be a good response? The best response for me is to simply refuse to be intimidated, to continue to express my truth quietly but straightforwardly.
Let it be said that passive-aggressive behavior is most irritating kind, in my view, more irritating than a frontal assault. Most people prone to this form of behavior are experts, to begin with, and sometimes they don't even realize what they are doing; most of the time they do.
It's hard to even define what you are talking about in a specific case. Sometimes it is just the insolent tone of voice that goes with the remark, an implication that you are stupid or irresponsible when you might be discussing a problem you are having, in an open manner. (Just because you reveal a problem does NOT mean that you are asking for a diagnosis, or a judgmental remark. (This is just one example.)
When you confront rhe person, usually they will deny that their intent is denigrating. But the feeling you get inside yourself is often a clue that a backhanded comment has been made.
What are your thoughts on this matter?
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CatholicGirl
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You bring up some great topics.
As you can imagine, that does not endear me to the other person. However, I have begun to feel better about myself because I refuse to be a target anymore. Above all, I pick my battles. I have learned that people who engage in passive-aggressive behavior are, deep inside, hurting, angry and/or sad. Instead of getting my back up, I think about how sad they must be inside, and try to muster compassion. That being said, people who are prone to projecting this kind of behavior are unfortunately not prone to taking responsibility for it, or in many cases, are not even aware of it.
This is SO hard, Patrick. My heart goes out to you. R
The way that I finally dealt with it was to bring it out into the open and confront her with it. Yes of course she denied it, that's what p/a is all about. But I continued bringing up the behaviror as soon as she did it and telling her I don't like it. Now I just stay wary and keep her at bay, at a distance. People who practice p/a don't realize that others aren't as unaware and stupid as they think, they can spot the p/a behavior, and it makes them dislike and eventually avoid the perpetrator. At least your p/a perpetrator doesn't constantly send you repulsive right-wing extremist demagoguery and religious crap despite havng been asked multiple times to desist. Mean people suck.
The self-deception on the part of people like this is so.... (I am trying to avoid using the word "crazy" here because of jmac1949's post)....but people like that are definitely "feeling-impaired" and their actions preclude having an honest, trusting and deep relationship with them. Dare we say, it's their loss?
r./
If you respond with "I messages" such as "I feel belittled by comments like that," or "when you do______, I feel______" if is hard for the other person to dispute you. You are saying how you feel not making an accusation, which invites an argument. You feel how you feel and treating your feelings dismissively is not okay, at least among friends, family, and people who purport to care about you. That's one simple tactic that is often effective. You are right to trust and respect your gut feelngs, Patrick, and be guided by how the remarks make you feel.
Not easy.
It can even be a real waste of time.
Take care, Patrick.
PW