Somehow, in the last year or so, I have started a new arc in life. I guess, I have always been on this arc, and didn't know it until the last year or so, and thus "new" to me. I am now in a childless couple.
To clarify, my sweetie has children. He hasn't lived with them in about 10 years, although the eldest moved in with us for about a month this spring while getting on her feet. They visit regularly, but parenting has not been a big part of his life since the divorce. Being parents to two teenagers we don't live with mostly involves catching up when they are here, providing food and entertainment and quality time, and dropping them home again. He texts with the eldest, and occasionally hears from the youngest. But mostly, not.
We aren't making babies, after all. I am aware that this status could change, unexpectedly, but we are not on the baby making track. Why this is a new part of my life comes down to this being the first time in my life that I wasn't expecting to become a mother some day. I have shifted from "will we? when will it happen? how many?" to, "Let's start making more elaborate travel plans". More importantly, I have to start clearing out the baby making mental clutter that I have accumulated for the last 40 years.
I look at my friends with children, family members, other people, and watch what they do. I have been taking notes for years, do this, don't do that, maybe that works, I would never.... and those notes are now becoming irrelevant. When you talk with your friends who are now facing parent decision making- and as a couple, the vast divide on how to do it- there is the input expected from supportive friend. As I spend less and less time with people in general- work, life, travel, quiet time- I realize that I will be spending time with fewer children. I expect maybe one or two more births in my social circle, max. Family is done, most of my friends are too old. Or, the committed childless.
We spent a long weekend up in Flagstaff, visiting family. My cousin's girlfriend graciously offered us her apartment. We would have brought the youngest, but she had other commitments and we couldn't change the dates with work. Our vacation times, outside of national holidays, mostly coincide with when it is convenient for us to take time off with respect to our colleauges, not our family. I can't take a day off without a few weeks notice. Instead, a friend of ours joined us about half way through. She is also childless, as are my younger cousins. Who also plan to remain childless. It could change, they are young enough, but they are clear they do not want to be parents. For them, and their lifestyles, I think that is an excellent choice.
Another friend was also in town for the weekend, as she has the summer off from teaching, and her parents own a home there. She spends most of the week with her four year old, and her parents, and sometimes her brother and his kids. Making plans to meet up was not impossible, but rotated entirely around the mood and schedule of the 4 year old. I have to admit, this is getting old. Trying to bring a child into a wine bar to hear music is not okay. Not because it is a bar, but because the other patrons are there to get away from children. Sometimes it doesn't matter if it is child friendly or not, small unruly children change the entire dynamic of a meeting. Accommodating visits becomes a one way street, between the childless and childful. The childless are always expected to acquiesce space, time, understanding.
I have noticed this phenomenon time and again, seeing how friendships also change- and relationships with family members. I certainly don't expect a child to develop free agency, but I do expect the parent to retain some semblance of it. It is one thing to be limited in availability because of your child, that is normal parenting. It is another altogether to refuse to acknowledge that your parenting style imposes on everyone else you know.
One of my good friends is moving soon, in about a month. Aside from our unusual affinity for things I share with only her, like knitting and cooking, our friendship also flourished because of her committed childless status. She is single, by choice, and spends zero time looking for a man to take care of her or make babies. This does not mean she has endless free time, it just means that our friendship got to grow in ways more meaningful to me than tips on breastfeeding and diapering. She, like I, is a loving auntie godmother. I will miss her, naturally, but I will also be losing a part of my life that I didn't realize I had cultivated. The childless zone.
Like making new future plans that don't have to accommodate the care, feeding, educating, and parenting of a child of my own, my social life consists of a variety of friendships. Two of my four closest friends are single and childless. I see them the most, because we can. We can have a glass of wine if we want, or go see a movie last minute, or pick a new restaurant based entirely on our own desire. That might sound selfish, but it isn't. Friends with kids can only see you ALONE with advanced planning, and that doesn't always work out. Usually, they just schlep the kid along and assume you are okay with it. Sometimes, you really don't want children around. As a non-parent, I don't understand the all encompassing love that is their affection for the child. As a parent, they have forgotten what it was like to be a non-parent.
It has been in this last year that I have recognized the shift within myself to being a potential future parent to an unlikely future parent. I catch myself thinking of what I would do, realizing I will never have to go through a whole bunch of things I have been mentally preparing for. Sure, there are extenuating circumstances in which I could become a parent, and I would then have to jump into the role of all encompassing loving parent with enthusiasm I have been giving up. I know that having a family is not just a lifestyle decision, it is life itself, and everything else falls to the wayside.
For those of us whose own life is life itself, there is no wayside. Who I am is who I am, what I do is what I do. I am now conscienciously choosing to expand my life towards a different trajectory- and want to feel free to leave behind all the baggage that comes with hopeful parenting. I don't feel envy or sorrow. I don't want those things anymore, and I don't want to feel bad for not wanting it. I have sympathy, but I also need some sympathy in return. I have often joked that having small children should be sufficient birth control, and now I see that watching other people parent while you are childless is a great campaign for population control.
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Comments
Sometimes that which we thought we might have turns out to not have been what we should have had all along. And sometimes that takes time to understand.
I'm glad you have come to a comfortable place with regard to this issue. It certainly isn't easy.
I do expect the parent to retain some semblance of it"
what a series of serious philosophical sociological arguments
there
in that snippet of this wondrous post.
Perhaps I misinterpreted what you said or meant but this comment sort of surprised me.
"I certainly don't expect a child to develop free agency, but I do expect the parent to retain some semblance of it. It is one thing to be limited in availability because of your child, that is normal parenting. It is another altogether to refuse to acknowledge that your parenting style imposes on everyone else you know."
Parents of young children, and I raised three, have 4 maybe 5 priorities - and the first 4 maybe 5 have to do with raising their children and surviving raising them.
Acknowledging, even having to acknowledge, that my priorities shifted would never even occur to me as a parent and a single parent. It's self evident.
Children are a real object lesson that one can have responsibilities without any authority.
It's not up to the parent to acknowledge anything, the impact on them is plain to see. It is up to the other - the friend, the relative, whatever - to understand and deal with it the best they can.
If I misunderstood, sorry.
Lew
Tink- economic forces are making parenting a very dicey situation.
Thinking a little further, I realized that I don't want that responsibility. I think I could, finally, be a good parent but I would be at least 68 when the child graduated high school. These years where I am looking forward to being free and exploring my world again would be full of a child. I made a conscious decision, then, to let it go.
It was a nice feeling.
P.S. I get the friend thing, too. My whole life has been accommodating parents at work so they can have the holidays off to be with their kids. Single and childless apparently rank far down the line for special on the holidays.
you filling in for parents who won't or can't
"other people are always making concessions to those with small children. However, the presumption that they should always be the only ones making those concessions because they are childless is too much to ask. In many families, the reply is "it will be your turn when you have children", but if the other person plans to have no children, they don't typically get much sympathy for their own needs."
So you are upset about things like maternity leave and other parents needing to be home and leaving work for the others to do.
" Hearing grownups telling everyone else that they have to capitulate to the demands of a child is not particularly good parenting, and is an imposition. Some restaurants have now banned children because of this very problem."
And you are upset about children not being made to behave in public spaces, for example.
Perhaps there is a certain kind of opportuntiy to gain understanding and compassion that one misses by not actually raising children.
Not having children means that those with children see your life as being immeasurably free. They may be wrong but that is up to you to make that clear rather than generalize about how you've been inconvenienced by parent's needs.
Having observed parents and parenting from around the world (and being a parent myself to a now grown son) I will make this observation.
American parents are the worst parents in the world.
All over the U.K. mothers only work-part time so they can walk or drive their child to school, plus be at the gate (with all the other mothers) at 3:30 to pick them up. Until they reach high school, many U.K. mothers can only work part-time. Mothers who have f/t jobs are "looked down" on as they are putting their career instead of the kids (and you do not see many dads hanging at the gate at school).
You do not see foreign children screaming in the aisle over a object they've been told they can not have. You do not see parents strike their children in public, which includes yelling at them or other "public punishments." European parents promise their child a treat if they behave when they get home.
Violence on the playground is treated extremely seriously, and any child engaging in violent action toward other children are given help in learning social skills to deal with problems on the playground. It is case to remove a child if they can not control aggressive behavior.
Americans are the last culture on earth to be giving parenting lessons to anyone.
You who are parents, for the most part, chose to have your children. Some of you didn't choose to get pregnant but you did choose to keep your children and to raise them. This was your choice.
For whatever reason, I do not have children. Yet my life with friends and at work has been moderated around your children. The aforementioned holidays, for one. You would not believe the guilt trip laid upon young, single, childless women when the holidays roll around and someone is needed to cover a shift at work. And no, you don't always get holiday pay.
I have reconnected with a friend from high school and her only topic of conversation is her daughter. That's it. I know nothing about my friend but I can give you chapter and verse on her daughter. And I've only seen my friend once without the 14 year old child in tow.
I went to a heavy metal head-banger concert in a bar- alcohol included- that was an all ages event. There were women in their underwear and children standing around gazing upon them. Appropriate? Uh, no.
No one is knocking your choice to have children. But our society seems to think that family, with children, is the epitome we should all strive towards and those of us who are childless are expected to cater to your child. Do you really see that as equitable? What if the tables were turned and you were expected to cater to our child-free existence. Would you be okay with that?
For Traveler, this certainly seems to have touched a nerve since he's deployed the people-without-children-are-selfish/less-compassionate/don't-know-the-real meaning-of-love argument. Idi Amin has a boatload of children. By that reasoning that makes him far more capable of love than, say, Mother Theresa? Kris Kardashian Jenner has six of 'em. Having children means squat about what kind of person you are. All it means is that you're fertile and had sex.
What bothers me (you know, the '70s kid) is how little faith today's parents seem to have in their children's ability to take care of themselves. And it sometimes seems to come not from their concern for their children, but from their own belief that they couldn't possibly not be of absolutely supreme importance in every single moment of their child's life. But then I was a nanny for upper class Washingtonians and lack of self-worth is not really their problem.
I am happy to be a part of the lives of my friends and family who have had the children. I see the struggles they go through, I certainly listen to it, help here and there. I spend all day listening to my patients' lives- joys, struggles, and miseries. That is also not a reciprocal relationship, either. I am sure there are many here, maybe women more than man, but I could be wrong, who get tired of hearing how much they couldn't possibly understand... blah blah blah... and most childless women I know have an incredible expectation placed on them to be endlessly and tirelessly available to their friends and families, because they don't have anyone else to think about. By that logic, it means if I have a kid, I can stop being helpful to anyone else for at least 5 years, maybe even more.
The next step you will feel is when the option itself is gone. I held on the option (my uterus) longer than I should have medically. I am fine but, the point is, even for a 45 yr old childless by choice woman, making it a done deal was a bit difficult. But such a relief when I did!
Hopefully your best aged friends and family will still be around when their children start leaving them in empty nests and you can rely on them for company then. And weddings, and babies (Grandkids). I am having fun with them all again and we are all just early 50s :-)
I enjoyed reading this piece, I felt like I understood where you were coming from, even with my own parenting experience.
In fact, every parent should hope their child would be able get along somehow without them, because the alternative is something I hope no parent would want for their child if they can't finish raising them. Not that any of this has anything to do the issue at hand but Shelia's comment was kind of judgy and rubbed me the wrong way.
r.
(Full-discloure: Father of two sons ages 22 & 20)
I guess I bottomline this that OBowl's point could be made about other important things in a person's life besides their children.
For example, perhaps some of her friends with children who can quickly get family/babysitters and want to go out to a spontaneous, overnight event are frustrated because OBowl "can't take a day off without a few weeks notice".
Geez, there's that pesky work obligation again. So now insert OBowl's primary criticisms about accommodating/bending to parenting demands and apply them to someone having to accommodate/bend to job/career restrictions. Same types of pros and cons.
Parenting is a job -- as rewarding or frustrating as any profession.
Still, this was an enjoyable and insightful read.
Perhaps OBowl is limited to a certain type of restaurant/outing with a quiet atmosphere because she must have access to a pager/cell as a physician. Or she cannot venture out of __-mile radius of her office/clinic/hospital in case of an emergency.
In this instance (in reality or as a hypothetical), her friends are having a accommodate a compromise in the group's plans for OBowl's profession.
Not really much different than a parent burdended with a child in tow, IMHO.
but the fact that this has 25+ uprates is jarring - is Open Salon so densely populated by the childless, who vicarously learn about childrearing through posts like this?
Because underneath it all, there's still some discrimination, some outdated stigma surrounding the "childless." Even that term creeps me out. It implies some lack when it often feels like a gain that people are too afraid to admit to. How about "child-free" instead? YES!
Children don't EVER BELONG IN BARS EVER!!! I just had to say that. I resented the F#CK out of some jerk who brought his precious kid to my wine bar a few nights ago, running around, slapping the musician who was playing, hitting glass, and the parents just staring, starry-eyed, isn't he adorable? Yeah, that's cute. Until he breaks the glass and you blame the restaurant undoubtedly.
Okay, enough of that:
"I certainly don't expect a child to develop free agency, but I do expect the parent to retain some semblance of it."
Yes. That's the core. One friend of mine--a VERY DEAR friend--coddles her FIFTEEN year old daughter like she was four. She had to get off the phone with me several times because her daughter was whining in the background. This would sound like a simple annoyance, but I was planning on staying with her for a month because we haven't seen each other in ages...and now, I don't know. That will bother the hell out of me. That kid will rule the house and I will to endure and NO ONE will think about the effect it has on me, the visitor.
And the worst part? That kind of "special" treatment is HORRIBLE for a child. It turns them into monsters. Knowing boundaries, discipline, etc. shapes a child's character. They need it, crave it. Without it, they become hellions forced upon the rest of the CHILD-FREE world.
Just treat like a kid sometimes, parents. Not like the second coming.
I've got four kids and one grandson. In all my life, the most rewarding relationships are those with prospects of growth and this includes parenting or grandparenting/incl steps. It doesn't matter if you or your partner is a parent per se, you're both capable of being parents to others by being role models to children or their parents.
Some people shouldn't be parents but that's a separate story.
My post, mostly, was about the desire to have friends with whom you can reciprocate- not about taking vacations or having wine. It is assumed that when you are childless that you have no one else to think about (many of us have step children, parents, partners, friends, interests, groups we care for) and that your time is infinitely malleable. Many people here, and some in private post, have children and similarly get frustrated that their time is not valued as equal. I think all people have an understanding that small children and their parents need accommodation, but parents don't often recognize the many, many ways in which they are accommodated because it is expected- or sometimes just imposed. Do you think that this is a newer attitude, as a social entitlement, right up there with the helicopter or attachment parenting? When everyone had kids, and a whole bunch of them, no one expected special favors. Help, sure, but not special treatment.
As to vacations- I can mostly take them when I want, but I need a lot of planning. There seems to be a belief that childless people can just jet off at the last minute without a thought. I think that is just rich people.
I don't hang around with people who allow their children to misbehave, and I know several childless couples who allow their DOGS to run their lives.
I completely respect the choices of the childfree, but I hope that they respect some of the demands made on me to raise my child responsibly. Neither of us should have to defend our life choices.
I did like the whole part about your shift in perspective. Fascinating to think about, since not having a child would have broken my heart.
I help them write poems which they have read at poetry readings. I swim with them in the apartment pool. We walk around our neighborhood together. I take them to the book store every weekend. I took them to Six Flags over Georgia two weeks ago.
I would not trade any of that for anything.
Some of you make a bizarre accusation that society discriminates against the childless. If we were not working hard to take care of our children, who are small and helpless and do not understand the big, dangerous world, they would easily be killed or badly hurt. My priority is to make sure they can survive and thrive and are happy after I die. We are busy taking care of our responsibility rather than purposely discriminating against the childless.
Without any children the entire human race would simply disappear after the last old person died.
I have many friends and relatives with kids who have balanced lives. They love their children and give them everything they need. But the child isn’t the exclusive center of their lives. I have a few friends who became “mommy-bots.” Every second of their lives are 100% focused on their children. If their child, down for a nap, turns over in their sleep two rooms away, everything has to stop.
It’s not scientific, but obvious in my experience that the children of balanced parents who do their own things, have lives, and don’t place their children on a pedestal are much healthier, active, independent, and creative.
I find that people who think their children are the most important thing in their life, to the exclusion of everything else, failed to live up to their own expectations before having children. In fact, the act of having children, especially later in life, is often about bringing a sense of meaning to one’s life and imposing a built-in excuse so they don’t have to explain why they didn’t achieve more with their life.
-Didn’t you want to go to law school?
“Yeah, I would have loved that, but you know I had kids and they teach me more everyday than I could learn at college.”
-What happened to the trip you planned to see the great museums of Europe?”
“After Hunter & Zoe were born we just couldn’t justify the expense of something like that. When they’re older we plan to take a trip to Disneyland.”
-I thought you were really good at your job, why didn’t you advance?
“I would have, but everyone was against me because I’m a mother. They didn’t understand I couldn’t be there to work on long projects because my children needed me. I couldn’t stay late or come early. They should have held up projects while I was away for maternity leave. It shouldn’t matter if they needed someone reliable for a multiple year project and I might have another child in the middle of it and not be able to travel or work for months during that time. They don’t understand how valuable I am because I learned so much from my three year old.”
For what it is worth-- for all of the commenters who believe European toddlers are raised better-- I do remember visiting Italian cousins in a small mountain town in Italy many years ago-- they were parenting a five and three year old boy at the time (strappingly handsome college students now). Very adorable children, the three year old had THE MOST STINKING ADORABLE FOOT STOMPING TANTRUMS IN ITALIAN. The memory never fails to bring a smile.
Rita- I appreciate that you read and didn't get too hackled, but maybe just because you "know me" well enough. I actually had a single friend, divorced, childless, who had three dogs who were more like children than some people's children. I think she became a similar kind of parent, in some ways, just to animals instead of people. I didn't let go of her friendship because she had dogs, or loved them more than humans, though. I let if fall by the wayside because she had very little sympathy for people in general.
I think this is a lovely article and I totally get it. I have friends with kids and I am 28 years old. Its not always desirable to bring them along and everything MUST rotate around them. I don't have children, I am not planning them in near future and I don't have a partner. I am happy building my career but the social circle of friends is getting smaller and smaller. I am not viewed as one of them. I am not invited to social occasions because I don't have a kid or a boyfriend. Perhaps it's time to look for new friends. I really liked your article thou:))