O'Really?'s Blog

Think of it as "cartouche lite"
NOVEMBER 15, 2011 9:30AM

Filling an Empty Position

Rate: 30 Flag

In the bedding department, the men I’ve shared one with reads like a veritable who’s who do not call list. Don’t ask me what my number is. For the record, it’s on a need to know basis unlisted. But recently, things have changed. Here’s a sentence I never thought I would write: “My sex life is like Texas”. It’s not hot, but for what seems like ages, it has been awfully dry. I guess it’s called the lone star state for a reason.

To put things mildly, I’m in a drought.

However, when it comes to a “To Do” list, this is where things get much more interesting. George Clooney, Bill Maher and Anthony Bourdain are at the top of it and certainly go to the head of the class. Those are three names I could live with. Not all at once, mind you. That would be way too good to be true impossible, even for me.

I can fantasize. That’s not a question. It’s a fact of life. In real time, with no reservations. I’ll stop now with the references only a person with no sex life and too much TV time can understand. And here I was hoping that you might let me get to seven of them. Eight is enough Mr. and Mrs. Duggar.

Which leads me to my next rant point. I can count on one abacus hand the men in my life who have come up short in the sex and romance department. Insert your own list of names ruler here. It’s not that they were pitifully endowed unwilling or unable, it was that they may as well have yelled, “Fore!” the moment they decided to start charging inside of me like it was a 30 second shopping spree instead of a leisurely round of golf. No iron, no wood, but a whole lot of false advertising. If only I had been able to collect 3% interest for some of those transactions I’d be retired. Do not even think for a moment about inserting a reference to 18 holes. Believe me, I’m ahead of you.

For every sports enthusiast that can waste an entire Sunday watching a game that often goes into overtime, why can’t that happen in the bedroom I be given at least an entire quarter inning’s worth when he decides it’s finally time to score with me? If my 30-second G spot is really as important as the “big game”, why aren’t I demanding and getting Super Bowl prices for admission into my very own superdome?  And why do I suddenly have images in my head of Mr. Haney from “Green Acres” and Soupy Sales trying to make this happen just for me? 

Life is messy and complicated enough. By this stage in life, sex shouldn’t be like the game “Operation”. Tweezers optional. A GPS is fine for getting to one’s destination as quickly as possible but you’d think they’d have invented a device and a map that helps men know which button to press when they’re going up or down there. Is it too much to hope for ask for directions?  If a man wants to get to the top, there's work to be done; if he wants to sleep his way to the bottom, let’s just not go there. Really. Some things are best left alone.

Not all lovers were disappointing. Some had girlfriends in other cities potential. Others were extremely tender after I was done with them and considerate. But it wasn’t always this way and for all the frequent flier points I wasted accumulated, my luggage was lost more than once when it came time to decide if I wanted to check into a less than satisfying relationship. Somewhere, there is a waitlist with my name still on it.

I like to remind my younger female friends that you can lead a man to the bedroom, but getting him to leave the toilet seat down is an endless battle you can’t get him to decorate it. Better he should decorate you. With respect, love, kindness and big cash prizes support. If he has a healthy libido sense of humor and the ability to perform routinely, I want his resume.

I’m taking applications. 

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My God have I missed you.

r. and. r.
It's settled then . . . OS needs to stage a manhunt on your behalf . . .
O'Really! How nice to see you again; it's been too long. (Pun not included.)

But I would never agree to perform "routinely". Frequently, yes. Even at my advanced stage of life.
You are so funny. I have missed these posts of yours. Hopefully Mr. Blumenthal will stop by soon and give you some good tit for tat in the comments. I have to head off to work now, but will try to remember to make popcorn and check back in when I get home.

BTW, the best bed honey I ever had, as it turns out, was also everybody else's best bed honey, which is how he acquired so much practice. Once he was gone, I heard someone say about him, "that man gets more tail than a litter pan". Sigh. He was some fun though ;-)
I understand how frustrating it must be to be promised that inside the bag is a long, hard titanium-shaft driver, but when you show up to the course, you find out you'll be playing a round of miniature golf.
I may be available soon. My contractual and oral obligations to Zsa Zsa Gabor are close to climax.
@littlewillie: You may want to consider changing your name before applying for the position... ;)
You are such a welcomed breath of fresh air. Still as clever and funny as ever. r
Hard to come up with something innovative enuf here to leave you laffing convulsively and begging for more.
O'Really?: I'd volunteer (holding nose) for purely charitable reasons (the tax deduction) but you look like you're nine. Plus my dance card is pretty full (hold on a second, I think that's Scarlett on the line.)
@blu: Charity begins at home. You probably have a handle on that.
@O'Really?: Given your post's thrust (or in your case, lack thereof), I would guess your handle gets more of a work-out than mine.
@blu: It's a pity that it took you 17 minutes to come "up" with that lame response. Perhaps you require a little more foreplay to get things going?

I'll give you the next 8 hours to think about this. Must run out and save the world.
O'Really?: I'm sorry, I have more important things to do than reply to your "hilarity" -- such as separate my socks or clean the toilet (a task which, oddly, reminds me of you.)
Thanks. Laughter really is the best medicine...

And, oh, for a good ride on the high seas you may want to add Jack Sparrow to that list. Pirate garb ... optional.
@O'really, @Blu. In the words of Rodney King, can't we all just get along? Of course, in the words of Don King...
Brawer? Where the hell have you been? I've checked under all the likely rocks.
Since evolving webbed feet, I've moved to a nearby pond.
It's like "old home week" today! Blu is old and Brawer leaves me weak at the knees! Nice to see you, Jeff!
O'Really: #1.. Brawer is one year younger than I am. #2. Your knees are probably weak because you haven't opened them in 20 years.
Likewise, O. Sorry to read of your plight. Most men believe foreplay is spelled "four-play" - as in seconds.
@Jeff: What's foreplay? Does it have to do with baseball?
I really needed a good laugh this morning, thanks! The back and forth comments are hilarious.
You don't need advice, consolation, empathy or an intervention. You need a connection. I had a friend who fit the qualifications, but he just got married. I wish I could help.
A riot! So well-done. I know of what you speak. Rated.
Even "little willies" are capable of massive growth spurts... Ouch, I think I just broke my typing finger and someone must have spilled ...
Damn, I missed you. ~r
in these economic times, you're a job creator...would you consider hiring a temp? rated -- i've missed your wit around these parts
You're just what we needed around here just now. And you brought back Blu...what next - Cartouche?
Fortunately, unlike Texas, you don't have to deal with Rick Perry!

Good to see you back,
rated
Saw the "Hi" over in Fay's post and decided to stop here to return it.

Glad I did.

Have I ever mentioned the value of using older men in assignments where older men are called for?

Sometimes we are not as fast as younger guys, but as you suggested in your text, many assignments call for delicacy rather than haste.

Yup…an age differential record in some sort of physical activity might fill the bill…or whatever else has to be filled.

Hi!
Laugh out loud funny, especially the parts that were (partially) stricken. R.
Sounds like you should be calling Mr. Mulligan .
Heh. I miss you, too, cart... O'Really. ;)
@MTN: Why don't you come up and see me sometime....?
I'm sure you'd enjoy a round with my niblick
O'Really's a gal who can shuck it
She gets all around
And looks throughout town
But most guys she meets seem to tuck it
It's so nice to see so many of my old pals with such great comments (the folks on Huff Po were brutal with this piece, I tell ya. No sense of humor). Thanks for reading and joining in the fun!
There is always so much said about men's lack of sexual competence and know-how but I rarely hear about the other side of the coin. I got out of a four year relationship back in January so I've spent the better part of 2011 sleeping with many women (i think the count is up to 21 for the year) and I'll tell you that not all women are created equally in the sex department. It's generally assumed that for a woman, just showing up is good enough. Fuck that! A girl needs skills. I'd say that probably 20% of women have outright skills, 45% are competent and 35% are just dead fish. If you're consistently not getting laid in the manner in which you would like to than perhaps the problem is with you. Take stock of your skillset. Maybe, there are upgrades that you could make to your own repetoire that could improve sexual experiences?
I'm still trying to think of an 18 hole reference, but you've stretched my imagination (and libidinous experience) to the limit. Damn, I married far too young.
Look up the Human Awareness Institute. Tell them I sent you. I wonder if you're as tough as you make yourself out to be. I don't think the "input" you need is sexual as much as emotional. Time don't stop.
I haven't been on here much in the last few months but something's never change--I consistently love your writing and what you do with it. I look forward to more. -Eric
Well, I'm behind the times, aren't I? This was funny but I hate that you had to be funny for this reason (man drought); maybe you need to head over to SF and the man and I will host a party for you, and get you hobnobbing with some appropriate menfolk....
I hope for your sake the position has been filled! Funny post... Thanks!