O'Really?'s Blog

Think of it as "cartouche lite"
SEPTEMBER 30, 2011 9:33AM

Andy Rooney is Retiring and I Want His Job

Rate: 32 Flag

Dear CBS:

In case you haven’t heard, your oldest living and still breathing employee is just about to exit the building. Are you surprised as I am that he lived this long by this news? Me too! What am I going to have to look forward to every Sunday night after watching football all day long insightful segments about the national debt and healthcare woes that prove we are no smarter or better off today than we were when he started this gig back in 1978? It excites saddens me beyond measure to think the only person that makes more sense than me is finally giving up this job so I can step in heading into retirement. The last time I thought I had a shot at a gig so up my alley like this was when Erma Bombeck called it quits and I unfortunately was living in the middle of a tiny village in France without Internet access.

Did you ever notice that the minute someone mentions Andy Rooney’s name, you can’t help but hear his voice inside your head?  Now that I’ve given you that earworm, please continue reading this as if he weren’t talking to you.

It’s not because I don’t think there are probably two other highly qualified individuals who could step in and create their own niche in the “60 Minutes” family or because I deserve a shot at the big time more than they do, it just seems to me that after giving the stage to a more than talented and deserving man for 30 plus years from which he shared his unique perspective and hilarious point of view, it’s about time to turn that time slot over to a talented and deserving female me. Hell, I’m 51 and based on the fact that my parents are still alive, I could probably give you 30 years or more myself. I’d only be 84 if you forced me into retirement after the same long tenure he enjoyed and could probably muster a few more boyfriends and one or two husbands between now and then years, if required. It’s not like I’m going anywhere in my career or my love life. More importantly, I’m a woman. I’m deserving. And I’m funny, too.

In case you haven’t noticed, there’s not a whole lot of funny going on in the world anymore and someone needs to find a way to convey that in a humorous fashion. I’m pretty fashionable if I do say so myself. Have I mentioned I’m available funny? You should see my collection of lingerie and blog posts writing. I am prolific and probably the highest unpaid comedienne artist writer out there. I’d love the opportunity to contribute to the IRS CBS on a weekly basis. I wouldn’t ask for much more than you pay him. My eyebrows are in order, so you wouldn’t have to pay for any additional maintenance. I have a pretty nifty wardrobe and I wouldn’t mind using Rooney’s old desk to sell at auction later on save on expenses.

I’m certainly not as old curmudgeonly as Andy Rooney was when he started his career with you, but if given the right contract opportunity, I could surely start acting like the woman with the stick who people are afraid of every time they walk down the street next week and relocate to New York if necessary. I’d even be willing to show you my collection of old boyfriends essays that I have waiting in the wings to prove that everything I say is true.

As a side note, I’d like to say, “Thank you,” to Andy Rooney for giving me more than 60 minutes of laughter over all these years.

Now it’s my turn. May you continue to complain in peace.

This was orginally published on Huffington Post.

 

 

 

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Perfect.
I've missed you.
r.
...and another thing I've wondered about is............
Only if you can work the strikethrough technique into the weekly minute.

Even if it is more Jon Stewart that Andy, it has real potential.
Your eyebrows may be in order, but they are in the plural. Just one eyebrow is the established standard.

Good to see you. If you get his job, say hi to me while on the air?
Jeeze, I'm actually agreeing with JW on something: I've missed you, too. In all your guises. Forget HuffPo (and CBS) and get back here where you belong.
His eyebrow wigs might need trimming to fit you. The whine. MUST work on your whine. Otherwise you're a shoo-in.

Good to see you back. You bring Blu on his leash?
~nodding~ And you could use a smart ass cat on your segment too!!! I know such a cat!! :D
Oh yes, you should take Tink with you.-R-
Andy had to have had gofers. Somebody to box up all the shoes in his closet and bring them in when there was a "These are all my shoes" segment. Someone to read stuff so he wouldn't have to. Pick up the Giants tickets, make the martini runs. Take care of the very most personal business.

You'll need that too. I want that job. What do I need to do to get it? Because you can consider it done!
You're hired.
Grant Tinker
I would totally vote for you, O'Really . . . you're a shoe-in . . .
Someone mentioned the strike through technique and I think it would translate to TV just fine. They should be so lucky as to have you...
Great to see you! I'd sure watch.

Lezlie
What would you use for humor?
I've missed you, too. Hilarious. But isn't Morely Safer pretty old also?
I am for you. Are you listening CBS?
This is terrific. Are you new here? ~r
You know what really gets me these days? Reading blog posts that were originally published on Huffington Post or "Huff Post" as the young people [under 65] call it these days. It's like virtual sloppy seconds. And now that Huffington Post is owned by AOL, you have no idea where this blog post has been or who has used it. Back when I started writing, if you wanted to publish your article or story or morality tale again, you had to take your original work to the local monestary where a monk would copy it over. Sometimes the monk would draw little pictures in the corners of the pages. I always liked that even if I didn't know what the pictures represented. Then the monk would hand you your copy bound in a nice, hard wood cover. The wood covers weren't really much protection for the paper inside, but they did make a decent shield from arrows and crossbow bolts if you were attacked on the road while trying to deliver your new book of old words. But there was a big difference back then when you re-published. You were paid by both publishers. The guy who first published your work and the guy who re-published your work. The publishers back then were all guys. Not like now. Now women publishers underpay writers just as much as men publishers do. Then there are these website publishers who don't pay anyone or least not anyone who isn't a personal friend. Like this Huffington Post place. And still writers want to be published there for no money, then they take their old blog posts and re-publish them on some other site for no money. That makes two publishers who can sell advertising space next to a post that someone wrote for no money. Yet, somehow, these online publishers can't turn a profit. And people wonder why the written word is dying.
I read this on HuffPo and thought to myself you would be a perfect fit for them. Rooney was funny but most people just laughed because he looked outrageous and always guaranteed you to think,"did he just say that". You have my vote plus your cute too. Michelle misses you also on here you use to make her day. Be well and safe my Good Friend.....older/exasperated
Ah how I've missed you and those delightful barred out words and phrases! I don't know anything about running a TV station or show, but I'd say the point you make about the eyebrows is very convincing. Good luck!
look, it's floyd's sister!!! as i said (on that other site. sheesh, what's up with that complaint?) earlier today, i've always been a huge fan of your strikeout style. and to think that a smart, snarky woman could take rooney's place? coolth, for sure. i vote yes. :)

oh, and good as andy was back when, he shoulda left a while ago. the peenchy whinging had really gone on and, you know, on. they do, you know, wherever they are, get ooooold.
I thought they had already hired you!
She'sssssssssssssssssssssssss back! Love it! Missed you lady!

Do you need a side kick? ;-)

~r
Nice to see you back here O'R. But how in the world are you going to do strike-throughs on TV? At the risk of spurning Gore Vidal's advice (never turn down a chance to have sex or be on TV), I don't much care to have Rooney's job. His paycheck now, that's a different matter.
Well, frickin' Oh Yea!
(note delighted grin on my face). My only question is...How are you going to do those strikeouts on TV?
I think your a shoe in. There are a ton of people here who probably think you are new to OS. You need to give them some more of your humor! Good to see you.
they call him a curmudgeon. they ain't got a clue.