O'Really?'s Blog

Think of it as "cartouche lite"
JANUARY 25, 2011 2:39PM

My Life in Lingerie

Rate: 39 Flag

I’ve got several drawers and half a closet full of sexy lingerie.  They hold more secrets than Victoria could ever keep.  They whisper sweet nothing into my ear.  But then again, so does my sex life this week.

They don’t call it a “dry spell” for nothing.

Back to the lingerie. Pure invention, I tell ya.   Lingerie is the equivalent of a candy dish.  Nobody wants either, but they are both often bought as gifts by people who have no taste or concept of size.  It’s something that gets displayed only when the person who purchased it comes over to visit.  (I sew nametags into mine so as not to offend the wrong party.) Within minutes of said party's departure, it gets relegated to the laundry room or the dry cleaning pile.  The candy dish gets regifted.  Buyer’s remorse comes (and goes) with a hefty price tag. 

Peignoir Set

During my last long-term relationship, my mother thought I should have a collection of peignoirs and high-heeled slippers with feathers on them to establish that I was the lady of the house.  That’s so last century.  But so was that relationship.  When your chilly morning consists of cleaning out a barn and hauling the excrement of two Shetland ponies down a hill to the compost bin, a negligee doesn’t beg to be worn. 

Pony

This is not me (or my pony)

In these circumstances, dangling the carrot does not require protruding nipples. Those horses knew how to bite the hand that fed them and the damn stable boy didn’t come until later on in the day.  Come to think of it, now that I see that last sentence in writing, it makes me wonder what he was doing in that barn for so long on those winter afternoons.  And why I didn’t go visit him more often.  From what I can remember, he was hung like a horse.

My first experiment and foray into lingerie was in the form of the dreaded “Teddy”.  Why it was called a Teddy is beyond me.  Was there once a longer or larger version that didn’t creep up the ass and divide a woman’s body into two piles of yeasty dough?  Was it all the rage and called a “Theodore”?  Theodore and Teddy belong on a Roosevelt, not on my body.  There is no presidential pardon for what a Teddy did to the female figure.  Crotches with snaps are fine for infant clothing but are not riveting in the bedroom.  Thankfully, the Teddy suffered a deservingly quick demise and ended up in landfills along with Members Only jackets.

Teddy

Where's the rest of it?

Next came slinky slips with straps that required a degree from MIT in order to adjust them properly.  They were colorful and feminine looking but often ill fitting and tight in the wrong places.  The darts never pointed anywhere near my nipples and at the time, mine were still doing an about face.  Frankly, if a man requires darts to direct him to the bull’s eye, there’s a pretty decent chance that he should be looking for an optometrist and not sex.

Thong

Next came the anal floss of all underwear in the form of the thong.  The skimpier and prettier it was, the more expensive it was to buy.  This disastrous invention also propelled Brazilian waxing into the economic stratosphere.  To the uninitiated man, getting a Brazilian wax is similar on the humiliation scale to having the proctologist’s hand up your butt for longer than necessary but with the added excitement of potentially suffering third degree burns.  We pay for this.  Dearly.  And trust me guys, when a woman screams while having her pubes ripped out by their roots, she’s never faking it. 

If you want to hear some real screaming, head over to Mona’s parlor this Thursday at 3 when I have my next appointment.   It’s not like we can get away with a once yearly visit if we plan on wearing that thong as an invitation to the garden of eatin’.  I have a standing appointment that I take lying down.

Waxing

Would you stand for this?

Since women are going for the bald look these days (what’s up with that?), that doesn’t leave much for men to graze on or to the imagination.  Neither does lingerie.  I like a man with a good appetite and appreciation for what a woman is supposed to really look like. Naked and well fed.

Which is why I've decided to get off the lingerie and waxing rollercoaster and save myself a small fortune.

I could give dreadlocks an entirely new meaning.

From this point forward, if a man wants to slip into something more comfortable, he should just try me.  Without the lingerie.

 

Eat Her More Often

"Eat Her More Often" by Patricia A. Smith

 

Other Images:  Fabsugar.com, marshasvintage.com, metro.co.uk, ambush101blogspot.com, Shetland-pony.com

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Comments

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Perfect.
*LOVING* the painting.
I prefer women who wear armor. I used to be a welder. Metal turns me on.
Oh, crap, I was going to use that title for my post tomorrow.
"having the proctologist’s hand up your butt for longer than necessary"

You say that like it's a bad thing.
Leave SOMETHING to the imagination, will ya?
"Tear it off me!? Do you know how much this thing cost!?" Thus the night ended with her in old flannel pajamas and me shivering from the cold shower.
Thanks for the memories (mammaries?). Rated for nostalgia ;-)
I have the "drawers".. I now prefer my Gnome flannel PJ's thank you very much..:)
rated with hugs
"(I sew nametags into mine so as not to offend the wrong party.)"

Me too!!!!

What?

~wanders off~ :D
I'm embarrassed. The lovely and beautiful Mrs.Exasperated has these things and to be quite honest I can tear them off faster then she can put them on. But ripping a 6ft.Redheads lingerie is dangerous in itself as for the cost of it and your manhood. Must go be nice to her now she is in a bikini. o/e nice artwork Patricia
How did you get that photo of me in the barn?
Love this topic, love (some of) the photos, and love you. Will be back later with more on this critically important topic.
The "bald" look is no where near as much fun as challenging your mate to guess what the hedge trimming reveals in a topiary kind of way.

Mount Rushmore or Minnie Mouse? There will be prizes if you guess correctly!
Is this thing even on...?
Brilliant and hilarious. I so relate but could never express it so well.
I prefer my dance partner clad in tortillas, wraps and pizza crusts.
Utilitarian lingerie?...perhaps.
But a moving feast no less.
You've led such an interesting life. I want to hear more about stable boys, ponies and carrots. Back on the subject, I've always found lingerie to be silly -- and I suspect my husband feels the same. On New Year's Eve afternoon I was wearing paint splattered overalls, a thermal underwear top and knee-high wool socks and all I had to say was, "We've got dinner reservations...are we gonna do this before or after?"
This is hilarious. You are hilarious. What more can I say?~r
the word "pubes"--hahaha! I really did laugh out loud--"what's funny mom?"---nothing. nothing.
LMAO! I never stay in lingerie long enough to justify wearing it, lol

@John: Yeah, I bet . . .

-R-
hot wax?? never! whats wrong w the good old razor? wax? hot? having some strange asian fed up with looking at bare hooch all day slather my gentle pubes with scalding wax??? never!

same with that evil butt floss. never! bikinis or death!

I'm just an old fashioned girlie.
"I like a man with a good appetite and appreciation for what a woman is supposed to really look like. Naked and well fed."

This sounds like you might appreciate a man for
his soul,

So then you gotta apprecitate yrsell soulfully...

once you have done that, your body is infinitely playfully
OPEN, always...

How is it that this is unknown these days,
when dh lawrence said,


"there are many people who are genunely
whoops..sorry..
"many who are genuinely repelled by the simplest
and most natural of sexual feeling..
thwarted, disappointed unfulfilled people...
so many..."

(including our selves of course, first and foremost,
some of the time....
other times a sexy lingerie
is a woman reclaiming her body
and a man is starstruck)\

what starstrikes a woman,
we wonder...
Jeepers Linnn, I could just about manage to trim the love of my life into a Minnie Mouse (and get slapped for my trouble) but Mount Rushmore would be way beyond my artistic abilities. Where do you get that done?
Sounds like you have a heck of a wardrobe. Les Wexner (the owner of The Limited and Victoria's Secrets) lives here in Columbus. I'm sure he would be pleased at your clothing assortment.
I started reading this post fully anticipating unparalleled titillation (did I get the double "l"s right?), and ended up sweating through a flashback to my colonoscopy of six months past. That's even worse than the hand job, and it's on live color TV. Ooooooo....
Isn't this the second article in recent days decrying the Brazilian look O'R? What about those of of us lacking in imagination? Another clever post like this and you'll have the ZZ Top look back in no time.
@Mr. Fawkes: Gives a whole new meaning to "you are what you eat!"
Bellwhether: I think I may have written about that time in my life as cartouche, a million posts ago.
Rita Bourland: A very close friend of mine worked for Lex for a number of years.
Veronica: Freudian slip? Another form of lingerie?
James: I do get this. That. Which is why I prefer to go au natural.
Abrawang: I could give ZZ a run for his money if it weren't for the damn perm!
MTN: Shoots come hither glance your way..... if I recall, this was once a very hot topic of discussion between us.
What's Victoria's Secret?? I think it must be that no one in her right mind would buy that poorly made, uncomfortable trash in the hope of becoming "sexy." What we don't do to ourselves in name of love/sex/men/sex.

Love this post.
not that i'm advocating it, per se, but there was a funny little one page editorial in esquire about five years ago relating a backlash against the brazilian wax craze, (the author found it a little creepy, and didn't understand why a man would want his woman to look like a child down there) and fortelling a new trend: the return of the 70's bush, accompanied by a photograph of the naked lower region of a woman, overlaid with another photo, in the crotch area, of a woman's head with a huge afro. rated!
I prefer my wife to be naked. I'm also disturbed about the fact that the word "lingerie" caught my eye as if it was outlined in neon and had searchlights next to it.
I sew nametags into mine so as not to offend the wrong party.

THAT is hilarious. As was this piece, bloom thing. damn where is my mind!
You are so funny. But I should have been reading these posts all along. They should gather the young men into the grade-school auditorium instead of the girls, and they should read these posts to them. "I think of all the education that I've missed..."
You are hilarious!
Something wrong with my Spongebob footed pajamas?
"Slip into something more comfortable," how droll. Thanks for the post.
Fantastic. Cracked me up. I think this one may be my favorite post by you yet.