O'Really?'s Blog

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JANUARY 5, 2011 7:10AM

Sleeping My Way to the Bottom

Rate: 75 Flag

Let’s face it.  We’re all going to die.

You can go first.

In the meantime, I’ve decided that when my time comes, I’m going to die happy.  Without ever having bad sex again you.

After too many years and far too many disappointments, I have made up my mind that while I still have a few good men years left in me, to make one single change in 2011 that could potentially change my life forever.  It’s going to be difficult, because history repeats itself fate is tempting and the available choices are getting predictably cheaper old and boring.  But I’ve made an executive decision that I think should land me someone whose employed with a pulse and a future so I can get back on top of my game.

I will no longer be sleeping my way to the bottom.

Laugh all you want, but I’ve been doing exactly that for the last never mind how many years.  Some of these men don’t even come at all with references.  Let me give it to you straight.  It’s an ugly world out there.  Men, after a certain age (like say, 37) basically give up even trying to satisfy impress women in the bedroom.  Why?  Because they are too busy watching porn trying to make money.  And where does all that porn money get them?  In jail divorce court.  Or with hookers who don’t care if he sucks in bed.  (If he knew how did, she would have to charge him extra for that.)

Now I love me my men, but nobody seems to want to tell most men the truth when it comes to sex and the truth is that most men have no clue what they are doing when sex is involved and money is not.  Foreplay is not spelled like the number, nor does it represent the number of minutes to be used for this part of the exercise.  If your total sexual exertion time including your clean up foreplay can be timed with a stopwatch, you might consider a career as a sprinter.  If you take that route, accept the fact that nobody will remember your name either if you break the world record and cross the finish line at the Olympics in less ten seconds.  But at least you’ll get a medal before you’ll be forgotten.

If the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach, he should also be aware that the way to a woman’s vagina heart is through his ability to spring for dinner kiss.  Somewhere, there are cave drawings of this act just waiting to be discovered.  I’m the one with the cash tongue.

On another note, my landscaping is my own problem and the last I checked, I haven’t dated a barber or horticulturist, so I’d appreciate you keeping your buzzing shears opinions to yourselves.  Leave pruning to my fingers after a long hot bath.  If you want a Brazilan, buy yourself a plane ticket.  If you want your own landing strip, get yourself a plane.

Before long, there will be a GPS designed for a penis because it can’t be bothered to ask for directions so it can easily find its way to the proper port of entry.  While we're on this delicate subject, I'm going to say this one last time. My rear end is an exit only.   Has been since 1960.  The signs are audible in large print.  No parking in the rear allowed.  Ever.

I may have slept my way to the bottom for far too long, but I can promise you one thing.  Ain’t no man going to sleep his way into mine.

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Fun read. I liked it.
Best Wishes,
Blittie
hmmm ... don't know what to say ... but I'll

[R]ate
I agree this was a fun read. If this story is true, I'm happy that you realize that you're worth so much more than these guys can offer. That's when you'll find a good one like I did.-R-
Can't help but giggle.
I'm not just giggling; I'm rolling on the floor laughing. Those last two paragraphs are priceless! What a mind.

Lezlie
among your funniest and i owe you now: i won't date men evn even when i'm tempted besides, richard burton's long gone r.
Love it, can relate so completely, have totally replaced sex with trying to talk to men and actually figure out why they like porn, bad sex, and cage matches. Just anthroplogical, really.
You tell my story, babe.
aaahh, o'really is *back*. a snarky sexy romp, telling men how it is and how it should be -- our strikeout vixen makes a 2011 appearance. loved this, P. loved loved it.
I will be the first to support a motion that all young men be required by law to study foreplay. What does make a woman happy?
I bet they would skip school if they had to take it.
rated with hugs
"Back to back, belly to belly/Don't give a damn/And it don't matter (O') really."

That said, I'd like to think I *always* listened to the women in my life -- and in my bed. Didn't get it right every time, but I was in there swinging for the bleachers. So to speak.
Oh, this is clever, all the way down, granularly, right down to the cellular level, the mitochondrial. As a man I suppose I should take umbrage with your post, but I can't--it's too darn witty.
As usual, you have again written a primer that should be on the curriculum at school......the school of hard knockups! Very creative.
@cranky: An AMEX Black Card
ya kill me, O'Really.
Rated and nodded
Damn girl. (rated ) I'm gonna have to read you more often.
You are HILARIOUS. Rated!!!
Favorite line:
Some of these men don’t even come (at all )with references"
Wowza! I can relate. And thanks for the laughs.
One of your best ever. Thanks for the great laughs!
Good points. To me, foreplay begins in the brain. *Then* the kiss...~r
I laughed the whole way through! Wonderful post and good for you! R
Hilarious! Especially this: My rear end is an exit only. Too funny!
R
If men invariably fail to provide women with what they want in bed, why aren't all women lesbians? Sounds like a dumb question, I know, but if a woman is attracted to and aroused by the male of the species, yet he can't fulfill his promise, maybe another woman should be there to take over.
What happened to Mr. Wonderful?
I assure you that age fifty your sex problems will be virtually solved soon.
I guess it's fair to say you've not had too many good romps in your years. Keep the faith. Someone with both sensitivity and a real penchant for eating oysters will turn up. Or over. Or something.
I love your old-time O'Really posts--nothing funnier than your strikethroughs. Those last few paragraphs are absolutely hilarious--I'll be laughing all day from this!
Superman: Faster than a speeding bullet in more than one way.
I'm glad and, so are the women I know that I am not "most men".
I'm one of those guys who likes
foreplay
AND
afterplay
and
will
ALWAYS
be
able
to
lick
the
jar.
Been there, done that, not doing some of it ever again. But fun to read about.
Haha! I laughed all the way through - but also gave a hearty nod of approval. This is a New Year's resolution I can get behind (no pun intended)! R!!!
Brilliant strike throughs! Laughed the whole way. Rated.
I love this piece. It's so real. First time reading your blog. I am hooked. Thanks for putting it all out there.
Why is the anus always on the man to satisfy the woman?
maybe you could get a tramp stamp...'No entry'
Well said. Did I mention well said.
As an old man, my feelings are almost hurt, but I'm really too tired to get very upset.

kurt-r-
you've got me laughing here and I can't tell anyone why.
you've got me laughing here and I can't tell anyone why.
What's with the "l?" I thought it was forepay.
Ya, right. That explains why so many men spend so much time and money on strip clubs, hookers, and porn on a constant basis, including a lot of married men.
Not saying that your situation is not real, but I think the problem you have is that you've been unable to use the tools to communicate effectively what you want. Time after time you've run into men who haven't sexually satisfied you because they were unable or unwilling or UNKNOWING what you want. All of this came down to you realizing your going to die soon? Sorry for being so crass about it, but I find that your personal experience has taught you one aspect of your life, but haven't looked at the whole picture. I know that the purpose for your blog is to express how you feel, but it didn't come to any conclusion about your own personal responsibility in learning and maintaining a healthy sexual lifestyle and experience. You seemed to have wrapped it all up in making excuses for your bitterness and how the world didn't provide what you expected. There are an equal amount of men who can give you what you need (or in your case REQUIRE) as much as there are men who are ignorant about what you want, but like I said, it's about what you learn of yourself FIRST that counts. Then the things you want will come, but like everything else it requires a large amount of your responsibility to do it. Also, there is a large amount of men who don't do "The Backdoor" either, as well as caring weather or not a woman does "The Brazilian" either. If you want a man to come complete with all the knowledge you require him to know at a certain stage in your life, that requires you come with that also. You expect these gifts to be packaged with the right guy, but that's all relative and a whole new debate in itself. But have a care: not everyone with that kind of Ego (sorry-that is an Ego) know everything. That's why the word REINVENTION exist. If everyone was allowed to have it both ways, no one would be together (my opinion) and the term Relationship would be ambiguous at best (and at time it is-to be fair).

If you choose to die in frustration or just chalk it up to; "Oh well. You Men couldn't perform and I'm happy on my own", you've should have done that in the first place. But hey, happiness is where you find it and I guess you have.

Peace.
I promise, no one gives a shit that you are/were a whore, so you can stop writing articles about it. most inane article award (drum roll please) goes to you.
hi-larious. sending this one out.
O'R--

People across the hall wondered why I was laughing so hard!

BTW--it isn't all about what THEY want, but what YOU want too--including whether you want them at all.

Take it from a 50something woman who could get a lot of action at the local VFW if she wasn't so picky...b/c she still has herself for company.

Thx--I needed that!
I wonder why Linnnn can't sit down.
So true. And after 37, women become dried out golddiggers, devoid of interesting things to say! Hahaha!

Our humor is so similar, yet so different!
Bushy + no anal. Got it.
This is such a whirl of humor, slapping the face that you made laugh, so profoundly funny, so sublime in blatant subtext, that I now lay back and wish I had a cigarette.
I just scream "fore!" and play right on through.
Good fun. I'll leave the puns to my predecessors, who do them better anyway.
The 'exit' reference reminds me of an episode of Mr Bean in which he is left without any clothes and has to walk through the Hotel's hallway. He grabs two signs left by workmen to cover his privates and places them in the appropriate places. ' Out of order ' in front and 'emergency exit' for behind.

I can assure you men don't give up after 37, maybe 40 years later. Depends on the testosterone. Old is gold.
Heeheeeheeheeheehee!!
oh shit.......
wiping my eyes.....
Raw! Gritty! Fun!

Woo hoo!

"My rear end is an exit only. Has been since 1960."
:) (love the TO Do list in the banner)
If the men you sleep with don't have your orgasm at the top of their list then you're sleeping with losers.

I was 19 and she was 35. The morning after, she rolled her eyes on the way out the door and said, "Maybe next time you can satisfy ME!"

I thought I had given her the best 30 seconds of her life. I guess not. Needless to say, I made it my goal to study this issue and it doesn't matter how it happens, but the Lady ALWAYS comes first. I'm 53 and it still works that way. ALWAYS. Glad I learned that lesson so young.
tickled. entertained. and amen'd @ "My rear end is an exit only." then laughed out loud @ the "buy yourself a plane ticket" paragraph. but O'really, brazilians aren't that bad.
Not sure what it is you're looking for, but you seem to be looking in all the wrong places.
Venomous sense of humor. Rare, delightful.
Well O'R, just make sure that Mr. Next has a gander at this witty post before things go too far. You could turn this into an Open Call for tryouts.
welll that was pretty hilarious...though I must say you're wrong about at least one thing...by the way how many is in a Brazilian? I mean really wrong...
just realized I should probably rephrase that or someone might think I meant taking it up the ass, MY ass...when all I meant was I like your piece...that didn't sound right either---by the way the crossing out deal, is that like what you really meant? self editing IS difficult...but i'm not sure this solves the problemo...so you probably do it just for fun...by the way I am on the bottom. Sure yer giving up? cross, cross, cross.
just realized I should probably rephrase that or someone might think I meant taking it up the ass, MY ass...when all I meant was I like your piece...that didn't sound right either---by the way the crossing out deal, is that like what you really meant? self editing IS difficult...but i'm not sure this solves the problemo...so you probably do it just for fun...by the way I am on the bottom. Sure yer giving up? cross, cross, cross.
just realized I should probably rephrase that or someone might think I meant taking it up the ass, MY ass...when all I meant was I like your piece...that didn't sound right either---by the way the crossing out deal, is that like what you really meant? self editing IS difficult...but i'm not sure this solves the problemo...so you probably do it just for fun...by the way I am on the bottom. Sure yer giving up? cross, cross, cross.
just realized I should probably rephrase that or someone might think I meant taking it up the ass, MY ass...when all I meant was I like your piece...that didn't sound right either---by the way the crossing out deal, is that like what you really meant? self editing IS difficult...but i'm not sure this solves the problemo...so you probably do it just for fun...by the way I am on the bottom. Sure yer giving up? cross, cross, cross.
thanks for the laugh - GPS designed for a penis? brilliant... you've given me a hole new association for it. you cracked me up. R
hey OR, I sympathize, & this is all amusing, but seriously, Im very suspicious of people who say they date too many people who are not their taste. think about it, it doesnt make much sense does it? if you are not getting better at finding the guys you like after more and more dating, something is wrong with this picture.
HA! What an ending! Exit only, huh? What if....I'll skip that for the moment.
ms O'Really ... "it's in his kiss" (or hers) ... kisses are it ... and i never
thought when i was younger there could be bad kisses or blah kisses
... i still vividly remember everything about my five best kisses ... thanx for sharing ... rated ... lew
I think we have to have SEX to save the friendship before it bottoms out.
~~Snort~~ You are so funny. They say you can't start the long climb back up until you've actually bottomed out completely. I can help with that. Gimme a call.
For the sprinters, it helps if you tell them there's foreplay--and after play. You're entitled to play both ways.
I love when O'Really comes alive! I wish I'd caught this yesterday before the influx of comments. Hysterical..and true to boot. ~r
I never expected to become a sprinter so late in life! Good stuff.
Very good, very insightful, very funny, and how often so true! They are not all so disappointing though, as I've discovered. But boy, what a girl has to live through...we should all get awards.
rated
OMG - this is a riot! Wonderful writing. Just wonderful.
It's never to late to learn.
I'm just going to cut and paste portions of this into my personal ad on plenty of fish. Thanks! I'll let you know how it goes.