O'Really?'s Blog

Think of it as "cartouche lite"
Editor’s Pick
DECEMBER 31, 2010 9:03AM

What You WON'T See in 2011

Rate: 46 Flag

As 2010 draws to a close, many reflect on the events of the past or make predictions about what will happen in the coming year.  If I had a pair of crystal balls to see the future, it would surely stare right back at me.  The glare! I’ll admit that I do have a knack for knowing I won’t be married any time soon certain things, but just how hard is it to predict that Lindsay Lohan’s next stint in rehab for violating her probation will likely happen within weeks of her release?  That’s so  2008 2009 2010.  And knowing these things takes the delightful element of surprise away, doesn’t it?  Boring.

Lohan

I on the other hand, am all about being 100 percent sure of what won’t happen anytime in the future and I thought I would share my gift of being able to forecast these things with you.  A year from now if this place is still around, you’ll be able to look back and marvel at how right I was/am.  Without further ado, here is my first annual list of predictions for What Won’t Happen in 2011:

Larry King will not marry himself.  Hopefully, neither will anyone else.

Michael Jackson will not be touring.   In a related story, some politician pedophile will tell a young page that the easiest way to learn how to tell time is when the big hand touches the small one.

Palin

Sarah Palin will not be invited to join Mensa.  And she won’t be smart enough to get insulted that she’s not eligible.

The Cleveland Browns will not win the Super Bowl.  Neither will the Cleveland Indians.  Or the Cavaliers.

The Vatican will not admit any wrongdoing or accept any responsibility for things that they didn’t continue to do.  It will not cost them as much as you think.  It will be at least double, but only half as much as they set aside for this little inconvenience.

There will be no cure for the common cold, stupidity or ignorance.  Even though it should be, it won’t be against the law to regift all of them.

Nobody will be able to correctly identify the names of the people who won any of the following:  American Idol Season 3, Miss Universe 2009 or the 2000 Presidential election the Scripps National Spelling Bee.

Scripps

Some idiot with a hare-brained scheme will not get the 15 minutes of fame he was hoping for when he decides to do something really stupid like post pictures of his son’s penis on Facebook.  He’ll get 5-15 years fired instead.

Someone won’t get a tattoo.  That will narrow down the field to approximately 18,374 people.

Nobody will ask Britney Spears her opinion about the 2012 election.  Nobody will ask Billy Joel for driving lessons.  Nobody will ask Mel Gibson for advice about anger management.  On a bright note, nobody will ask me if I want tuberculosis pig’s feet for breakfast.

Ann Coulter will not get any nicer, LeBron James won’t get any taller and John Boehner will not lose his tear ducts tan. 

Boehner

In other news, Melanie Griffith will not give up Botox.

Someone won’t inherit any money.  That person will probably be me.

You read it here.

Your tags:

TIP:

Enter the amount, and click "Tip" to submit!
Recipient's email address:
Personal message (optional):

Your email address:

Comments

Type your comment below:
Loved the big hand-little hand phrase O'R. I hope you're around for 2011. Enjoy your weekend and thanks so much for your posts.
All very probable, but maybe you have a rich uncle somewhere you don't know and he'll leave you his antique Tuba!
This is off topic, and your post was very funny, as usual, because you are a smart witty person, but next time, please be more considerate to your fellow OSers, and do not post large waxy close ups of John Boehner's face at our breakfast time. Thank you, and Happy New Year.
I won't be getting offers to be an underwear model. Being an astronaut doesn't look likely either.
Fun post! We sure are taking angles on the resolution theme.
The only quibble is that Michael Jackson *will* be touring. There are about 100 impersonators, and I recently met one who has changed his face and life and even talks offstage like him. It is incredible. Just as Elvis never dies, neither will Michael.
Great post - and the one about the idiot not getting his 15 minutes of fame, let's just say I hope that happens ten times, no, a hundred times over.
Ha. Very clever. Are you psychic or something???? Good post.
This was great and have you seen Melanie G. So scaru what these people are doing to themseleves.
rated with 2011 hugs
Wow your uncanny ability always amazes me. Who is the crack head in the first picture? Sarah Palin looks like tweety bird. Have a New Better Year O'Really ( not your real name ) ...o/e
What? You don't get paid for these predictions?

Well done and lots of fun!
Oh, you are so good!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



stop the advance of the 451s
It's all so clear to me now. In ten years we won't know who half of those people are. Yeah!
Thanks, now I can plan the upcoming year with confidence.
Tiger Woods won't be kissing Elin Nodegren at midnight tonight, either. Happy New Year, you psychic you.

Lezlie
I sure hope you're wrong about all of the above or I am going to lose A LOT of money.
I'll probably get hit by a truck in 2011. I've put you in my will.
you (meaning everyone in the entire universe) won't see me in a bathing suit.

back to the breaking news ...

HNY, o'r! let's meet up in paris and have some fun! [i heard jack might be there. ;) ]
I'll continue to enjoy reading O'R as I have before, and I don't have to be a psychic for that. Thanks for the old year. ♥
You are amazing?! Seriously, how do you predict that shit?

Oh, and what Suzanne said. Ick! (And Happy New Year to both of you).
But I'd love to hear Britney's opinion on the 2012 election!
You left out: Trudge164 won't get an EP.
I think your predictions are right on the money...which might mean someone here on OS actually makes (decent) money writing in 2011...or not.
And I will get a job on Wall Street and give OSers my profits.
Wonderful! made me laugh and spit on my computer! Happy New Year to you. r
2012 election? Is that before or after the Apocalypse? ;)
My niece will probably get the priority mail package that I sent on the 21st of December...Or the replacement one.

Rated and Zumapick for being frighteningly accurate!
American Idol #3 Fantasia.
Damn. I was really counting on getting my 15 minutes this year.
I will continue to read clever posts on a daily basis.
I love how you write! [especially the cross outs--hilarious!]
You left out, the poor will not get any richer and the rich will not get any poorer. Also, Lindsay Lohan will not be sleeping on my couch again in 2011. I'm tired of getting treated like a flop/safe house just so she can get drunk at Brewski's without repercussion.

I predict O'Really will continue to entertain OSer's with her wit, charm and well timed strike-throughs.
Good, clever write. But sheesh, can you please do away with those annoying strikeouts? Use a parenthesis. An emdash...anything but a s/o.
How delightful, O'Really?. Let me add one more thing that won't happen in 2011: John Boehner will not pronounce his name correctly. He took too much ribbing in High School for that!
"Sarah Palin will not be invited to join Mensa. And she won’t be smart enough to get insulted that she’s not eligible." How funny and how true. Loved the predictions.
No O'Really no ever do QUIT shootings BOToX!
O'Really. You remind me. NPR's `From The Top.
Ya married to the musician Christopher O'Reilly!
`
?
Music heals those heels.
Youth need to singsong.
Awe. Ouch. Boo Boo O'.
Music and meter change.
You a meter maid to me.
Change is constant. Awe.

Classical Music's Awesome.
O, Really eats mashed beets.
Oh, I really love mashed spuds.
Mashed potatoes with butters.
Toe-Flop a dollop of potatoes.
Gads.
okay.
Toe hangs
My toe gets stubbed.
Oh - flop mashed beet.
Flop spuds on sore toe.
O ignore. skip. stub toe.
No. Behave. Be kind too.
No mention of a Clinton sex tape? Chicken! R
Loved your predictions of what is not going to happen. However, I beg to disagree with you about Michael Jackson. He will be touring in the fall with Cirque du Soleil. I have the tickets to prove it :) Happy New Year.
I predict there will continue to be a lack of consensus on your use of strikeouts but not on your being pdff*.

*pretty damn fcukin funny
Very funny non-predictions and yes, that is a scary close up!
My application to study a non-existent tropical disease won't be given a grant by the Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation.

On the plus side, I won't be getting a tattoo.
I will continue to not get a tattoo until it wins me my fifteen minutes of fame! In 2013, at the rate we're going.
O'Really, would you like some pig's feet for breakfast? They're actually really good if stewed into a Croatian delicacy that is pronounced "lattatina."

You will meet a contrarian in Florida in February.