O'Really?'s Blog

Think of it as "cartouche lite"
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DECEMBER 29, 2010 12:14PM

I'm a Rich Republican Magnet

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For the life of me, I can’t explain it.

If there had been a category for it in high school, I would have easily been voted, “Most likely to be accosted by a complete stranger who insists on sharing his life story.”

But wait, it gets better.  Or worse, depending on my your point of view.

After gay males (whom I adore – I’m kind of like the Cher of south Florida, without the Sonny or the long hair, illustrious career or the plastic surgery), I have recently realized (much to my chagrin) that I also have a tendency to attract another  type of man.

If there is a navy blue Brooks Brothers blazer, khaki trousers, cashmere v-neck sweater, sockless loafer (never Topsiders) sporting man anywhere within AT&T calling, oxygen-sharing range to be found, he has my unlisted number and is prepared to give me unlimited minutes of his time.  Why?  I couldn’t tell you.  That he proceeds to fill it with Obama hating invective, Rush Limbaugh and Glenn Beck admiration or Sarah Palin praise, makes me wonder what he was drinking other than some really scary Kool-Aid before he asked me out for dinner laid eyes on me. 

“Give me a martini, straight up with a liberal Democrat chaser.  And send whatever the lady with the long legs and artistic wardrobe interesting haircut is having on me.”

Somebody pelt me with deviled eggs and a ham and mayo sandwich on white bread.  Please.  And while you’re at it, send me another salt and pepper-haired guy with the brooding eyes, screwed-up childhood and unavailable tattoo on his forehead quick wit so I can prove once more there is no hope for him either and change in my future.

According to my pukeasaurus (or, for those of the Jewish faith, my “pukeatsuris”), there is no real word that can define this phenomenon of Republican men wanting to dip their paintbrushes into my oils.  As such, there is also no cure for what ails me.

For as far back as I can remember, I have unerringly managed to attract and captivate bloviating, season ticket holding, charming CEOs who made so much money, they ejaculated hundred dollar bills.  I could throw my own Macy’s Day parade of them.  (The bloviating men, not the aforementioned hundred dollar bills.) (That would just be wrong.  And sticky.)   To say they are not my type is not a typo.  It’s a blatantly cruel misspelling that was cast on my romantic life before I was even born.

 My curse is that I’m a rich Republican magnet.

Toy sailboat nothing.  These men have yachts and their bathtub is the ocean.  Model airplanes are life-size Lear jets in their own hangars.  They assemble conglomerates on Christmas day for their children.  They order custom made shirts by the case.  They have Swiss bank accounts for their shoes.  Even their egos collect interest. 

And for some reason, they all want to screw or convert me.

If only one of them would decide to marry me and get me elected to public office, the very first thing I would do, is redistribute the wealth. Beginning with myself.

Right after a nice little vacation in the Mediterranean.  On a yacht he names after me.

O’Really? has a very nice ring to it don’t you think?  A 15-carat diamond one at least.

God help me.

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LOL my mother in law is just like you. Once they spout their republican ways they run like hell.
Rated with hugs
I usually attract anarchists. No money, but no rules either, if you catch my drift.
Very funny post, but I may be a little jealous. I have never attracted money, but then again I've never attracted a Republican. -R-
This is hilarious.

I'm thinking that that soon they will all be emulating their heroes and crying.
I'll bet Cartouche meets more interesting men.
all the money in the world does not make an asshat an enjoyable date. i used to say i attracted old men, little boys and dogs. but at least they're not old republican men. my heart goes out to you. ;
Funny! Convert them!
I'm loving it! It sounds like a grand plan to me.
"P"tease them till you own them and make them vote and think democrat.lol
I ejaculate chocolate ... and I though I was special.

Ha! Ha! Have a good time and say, "bye, bye. ." I also like Zanelle's suggestion. If anyone can do it, you can.
@Leepin: I noticed you forgot to finish.... Or left a drop behind.
Are they buying paintings? Or just drinks?
Maybe they want you to change them.
This is not your curse, it's the curse of those who turn their backs on then forget their own creativity. This happens to me too, more times than I can say. Even my own dear Republican father seeks to hold on to the hem of my smock. They sense something is missing from their corporate day, but can't define it, without experience at self expression. They mythologize artists, then are disappointed and angry when they discover that we aren't all the same, and that we don't match their story. I know your intention is to be funny here, but like all funny, just beneath, lies a sad truth.
I am just a poor, liberal Democrat, but if I am ever in South Florida (not likely given the poor part), I'll look you up. :^)
You're a funny lady. That's the magnet, and I congratulate the bloviators (those who wear bloviator glasses) on their good taste.
I'm with you. Keep the money and run.
This is what I have to write to get an EP?

You know you're an entertaining writer Cartouche/O'Really, but these WASPY suitor and Cristal taste posts are annoying. You talk about these men gravitating toward you, but I've read more than one post suggesting it's pretty reciprocal.

I think you should go out on a date with Scanner if his wife will countenance it just to see how the other extreme lives.
A funny piece. Thanks for sharing it!
Send me one of these clowns. I can't bear a sockless loafer but I need the dough real bad.

Fun post. I attract the indigent and the infirm.
My mom called me a "bum magnet." I should hang around you. Oh, GOPukes? Never mind.
By all means, first things first (the yacht & the Mediterranean)
That would be me Fernsy .. well the indigent part anyway. The DSM-IV stuff is what people came up with to make themselves feel okay about the denial they do much better than me.

As I like to tell people, I'm bi-polar, that means I use more of my brain faster than you do.

I'm on Facebook by the way.
Well, they have good taste. I'd take one up on it.
Ah, the perils of womanhood.

There seems to be a place between serious poverty and serious wealth among a lot of people, where they just lose any vestiges of reality.

A loaf of warm fresh sour dough french, some decent cheese and a bottle of Zin, along with a great view of the GG Bridge (I dispensed with the poetry as in those days all I knew were sketchy limericks.) got me a 23 year marriage, three fine sons and mortgage.

Alas, with time she discovered that the trade-off wasn't so bad and took up with a guy with bloviator glasses and Italian rubber galoshes (this is Oregon, dearie) and elected to go for the gold.

You might reconsider this cautionary advice.
I attract very crazy women. Or maybe they're all normal and it's me....
This reminds me of the millionaire in South Carolina who courted my mom. Owned a golf course, self made and damn-it all a bigot. She walked away too :)
I might reconsider to have a yacht named after me.
rated with love
it's because they aren't alive and want someone who is.
I attract Jewish women who think I might be Jewish. I have never understood it but I enjoy it. Maybe I am fling with the gentile world before they settle and marry a nice Jewish boy. R. //=o)
I usually attract poor actors named Walter or Brian, the kind who lost a part in WAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY off Broadway in 1982 and haven't gotten a part since, but they still call themselves 'actor'.


I was about to say, Well at least you aren't attracting poor Republicans, then I realized there aren't very many of those.
Hundred dollar bills? Maybe I could pretend to be gay....
You're probably all the "dangerous" they aren't. Could bes why they keep wanting to park their topsiders under your bed.
..."there is no real word that can define this phenomenon of Republican men wanting to dip their paintbrushes into my oils."
I encounter the same woes with debutantes.
I sense the pretentious, peroxide slate will, someday, be erased clean and i can enjoy a leisurly honeymoon with my bride, easing down some languid waterway in our Huck Finn raft and feeding my new first mate to the bounty of the sea.
Do you know if Ann Coulter floats?
Those last three paras don't sound *that* bad. As long as they aren't tea-partiers.
Hell I've had satellite photos taken over near you trying to find that damn hot tub you were in. Now I find out it might have been a Republican? tub. Oh my do I feel like a scorned independent. Well at least you know if they are that rich they are also married and if caught you would become tabloid fodder and make money on the talk show and book circuit.Your just the cutest thing that's it. o/e r+++++
Well, I'm a republican, and you're safe with me, honey. Then again I have been unemployed and starting a new job. Don't worry. I'll quit first. :)
Must be the zip code you live in. We call Florida the anti-Oregon. The only magnate in the Beaver State is Phil Knight, with his own farm team and university.
O'R, can't you marry one of the prominent elected Repubs and then fashion the mother of all scandals? Your country needs you!
It sounds like you have a ☞ ☞ ☞ problem. The Wiha 40010 Demagnetizer is just the thing for you and it's only $5.37 at Amazon then you can ☜☜☜
I shouldn't have made that comment, I'm just a petty little creep jealous of the EP I've never gotten.

Talk about being cursed.
I always attracted airline pilots with addiction issues who swear on their cockpit that I look exactly like their first girlfriend.
thanks for the laugh, and HNY ~ here's to a better class of admirer in 2011.
I am really laughing at caracallas comments.... ROFL.... yeah.
apparently someone like O'Really uses anonymity to write up her wild fantasies and someone like caracalla uses em to pop the bubble haha.
O'Really, as they say
If life hands you lemons
Make lemonade..... =)
and hows that workin out for you? wink
o'really, I know it will be difficult, but try to resist caracalla's asshole above this comment...it's weird who you meet up with in bars eh!