O'Really?'s Blog

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O'Really?

O'Really?
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NOVEMBER 22, 2010 1:38PM

My Intimate Conversation with Emily Holleman

Rate: 45 Flag

With the five day cover holiday season fast approaching, I was amazed that OS Editor Emily Holleman would take time out of her busy schedule to have a chat with the other me.  I assured her that this was not an interview or part of an attempt to resurrect the now defunct short-lived “Open Chat” feature that Kerry Lauerman started a year and a half ago that amounted to a whole three rounds.  After juggling our calendars, Emily and I found a few minutes to spare that worked for both of us.  We connected via Skype the OS PM system early this morning to make it nearly impossible really easy and effective to communicate.

emily

She's pretty, isn't she?

6:00 am:  I send the following PM to Emily:

“Hey Emily,

Are you ready to get this party started?”

6:15 am:  No answer. 

6:30 am:  I check to see if Emily is up and around handing out EPs blogging the latest open call.  Busted.

6:45 am:  I decide to write Emily again:

“Hey Emily,

Remember we were supposed to have this PM chat.  Have you by chance forgotten to give me an EP this morning?”

7:00 am:  I get an email notice that I have received a PM from Emily.  In my cartouche inbox.  I switch browsers and open my messages.  Hers reads as follows:

“Hey Patricia (I don’t know what else to call you, so I thought I would go with the “safe” word):

I thought we were supposed to have a PM chat this morning?  Have you forgotten I don’t have time for this kind of bullshit?”

7:02 am:  I rush to respond:

“Sorry, Emily. 

I was working from the wrong identity mailbox. 

Before we start, are there any subjects or issues that are completely off limits for this interrogation informal conversation?”

 I tap my fingers impatiently, waiting for a response. Two minutes hours later, it arrives:

7:06 am:  “Thanks for asking!  It’s very kind of you to be so sensitive to the fact that I’m chronically exhausted and make less than a TSA agent to put up with all this crap my needs.  Here’s a short list of topics (with sub lists) that are not on the table for discussion, right off the top of my head:

EPs:

What we are really looking for and why you won’t ever find it.

How they are determined when the dartboard is broken.

Why some people get auto EPs and Tink doesn’t.

Where the Auto EP button is located on my bed.

Any questions about this subject.

SPAM:

         Why we serve it and how we eat it.

         What we don’t intend to do about it.

         What a Facelift Bar is and the difference it has made in my life.

         How comfortable my two other jobs Uggs are.

TECHNICAL ISSUES:

         Why we don’t upgrade our “Over the River and Through the Woods” operating system software.

         Why you must sign in every 39 seconds but can’t make a rating stick.

         Why you can have multiple comments appear on your post but can’t expect to receive multiple orgasms.

         Who steals your writing and where it ends up when it disappears for no logical reason whatsoever.

         What the legal speed limit is on OS and why we installed the “slowmotion” feature on most browsers.

MEMBER ISSUES:

         Why I like almost everyone and everything more than Tink.  Except for poetry and fiction.

         What we know about Sheldon the Wonderhorse and how well he’s hung.

         My personal blacklist favorites.

BEHIND THE SCENES AT OS AND PERSONAL QUESTIONS:

         How often I allow Art James to randomly create the cover serenade me with his poetry.

 What my 4 x 8 office really looks like

Who we laugh at all day long and why it has nothing to do with their writing.

Inny or outy.

              What my idea of Salon going down for Maintenance really entails means.

              How Thomas really feels during a pat down about having to sub as editor when another one quits goes on vacation.

             How much they bribed begged me to stay longer than six months.

             What I do all day for a real living.

             My honest opinions about you or any member’s writing “talent.”

            Why we don’t hire some of the smart and capable people from OS to fix this broken down car problems.

Hope this helps!  I look forward to our conversation!

Best,

emily”

This left me with little to ask Emily, other than what her plans are for Thanksgiving to which she promptly replied:

7:28 am:  “None of your fucking damned business.”                 

Let me conclude by saying that Emily’s voice personal correspondence style is not as youthful sounding as she looks.  She may be 13 younger than most of us, but her voice sounds much more like Suzanne Pleshette’s mature. 

pleshette

Her, not so much anymore

Anyway, Emily, I know we are a handful and you probably ended up with a lot less talent and money than you bargained for when you took this job, but before you run away without leaving a forwarding address, I wanted to thank you for taking the time to not answer any of the really good questions chat with me.

On behalf of most of the grateful members of Open Salon, I’d like to wish you a Happy Thanksgiving and thank you for surviving putting up with all of us for almost six months.  Especially hgvghvhg hvvgvgh me. 

It can't be worth what they pay you easy.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING TO EMILY 

AND ALL MY OS FRIENDS!

HAVE A SAFE, HAPPY, GROPE-FREE HOLIDAY!

 

Images:  knewton.com, fox.com

 

 

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Comments

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Hillarious.. and I believe every word too.:)
rated with hugs
A fun way to send holiday wishes Patricia. ;>}
You too dear
I never thought she would be that forthcoming. The PM I shared with her was quite brief and to the point. I won't go into details!
It's this kind of hard hitting journalism that has made OS what it is. Thanks for asking what we all waned to know!!
This is probably not going to get an EP. Very funny though.
Whew. I was afraid she was going to tell you about how I've been backstabbing Tink all this time. Wait, did I say that out loud?
Let's just hope Emily has taken the week off for Thanksgiving and isn't reading OS blogs today! What would be even better, though, would be for her to show her out-sized sense of humor by making this post an EP.

Lezlie
Very clever! Thanks for the good laugh. [r]
I just realized, the recent focus on the TSA activities might encourage more singles to travel for the holidays instead of stay home as usual. Hmmmm. (SNL did a great skit commercial about it two nights ago). I have long come to accept that nothing I write about or how I write it is of interest to HHEH (Her Holiness, Emily Holleman).
Happy holidays too. If you grope a turkey in the pope's nose, should you be wearing rubber gloves or a condom?
I'd comment but I'm afraid to.
CRAP! I was hoping she'd be willing to discuss multiple orgasms!

P.S. I CAN help either of you out with that, one of these days, though! ::wink, wink::
;~)
Patricia, I thought I made it clear that any and all commentary on my relationship with Uggs was strictly off the record....

Happy Thanksgiving, all!
P.P.S. Let me know if you or Emily ever want to play "TSA Agent Pat Down"!
I have the solution. Tink needs to concentrate on poetry and fiction and she will be forced to recognize all three. R-
hmmm. i always wondered about the dartboard concept for the front page...
I'm so on the black list!
No, she hates Tink and me both! I even serenaded her picture on my current post and didn't even get topicalized anywhere.
As _iq_ put it, "Sigh, unrequited love!"
Your best interview so far. :) Nice to see Ms. Ed I Tor in there commenting.
Alas, poor Emily. Trying to herd a bunch of OS minks. The guys, of course (with the exception of Tink on account of we're not at all certain what -- if any -- sex he/she/it is), don't need herding. Keelhauling, yes. Herding, no.
Ha! Happy Thanksgiving, Patricia! xox
I always had a thing for Suzanne Pleshette especially when her and Bob Newhardt were together. Who were we talking about? I saw Tink's name a lot and using that will definitely help your ratings. Man this is some good smoke whoa!...........o/e R******
Excellent interview.
This is real, right?
Wait....
R (anyway)
Okay, I'm laughing and I keep looking around the room for someone to share this with....which is really quite pathetic since I am alone here.
Happy T-day to you, too!:)
You have a way of getting to the heart of the matter...in any and all your incarnations...
So? What is it? Inny or Outy?

I believe that Emily was the first editor to notice me toiling away in my little stone turret with the hamster drive laptop, and for that she ranks way up there! Happy Thanksgiving, Ms. Emily!
That Emily, she just LOVES me to bits!! Teeheehee!!!

:D

Great interview!! I wept, real tears!! :D
P.S. just read the comments, I am loved by many!! ~boohoohoo~ And hi Emily, Happy Thanksgiving to one and all, even those of you outside the Realm of the U.S. of F*cking A!!!! WOOOOO!! :D
I don't have any idea about the editors other than it helps to be a Black, homosexual working class woman writing about a Black, homosexual working class woman to make the cover. Joan Walsh is gone and I saw a photo of Kerry (the guy who looks like Drew Carey) who is taking over the big magazine. It doesn't matter. OS is like a mushroom farm, the only time you see the light is when they throw the manure in.
you have lotsa chutzpah, o'really. but now that emily (of whom i expected nothing less) has gracefully commented on this piece instead of deleting your entire account, i'll skip right in here and say: terrific hilarious piece. and now i think, in your honor, i might go resurrect that jack guy i used to write about and see if there's another chapter or two there. xo
blacklists! Set Tink free!!!
It is good to make new friends.
Clever! Happy Thanksgiving to you too!
Very funny post. I always enjoy what you write. -R-
Haha, I've been trying to avoid Thanksgiving posts but this made me laugh with joy. I'll definitely have a grope free holiday. Happy Thanks giving to you.
what a nice surprise! cold spam.

r
love it so much I read it three x. RRRRRR
Brilliant as usual. rated with love
I heard rumors Judy Berman in coming back.


{[R]}
I don't believe a word of this -- I am convinced this whole operation has been turned over to the Googlebots -- except for me and you, and I'm not too sure about you.
AP material~ and healthy mushrooms from the nether end of the blacklist...
Christiane Ananpour could take lessons from you. A big hug to you and your alters this Thanksgiving.~r
What? No EP? She lied! She lied! I'll show her, though. See if Emily ever gets Tink or me to answer an open call ever again. Harrumph!
I loved it! Another example of journalistic excellence. And use of the strike-out!
Pretty damn funny. I hope Emily thinks so too.
Yeah, no more answering open calls!!! Yeah, that'll show her!!! :(

**Storms off set to go play in the leaves** WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!
LOL this is certainly fun. May you and yours have a great thanksgiving as well.
Just found this, too funny! Hope you had a great Thanksgiving...
Also just found this. Too funny!
um, patricia, you do know that suzanne is dead, don't you? any resemblance to emily is purely coincidental.

(okay, so i wasn't even a member of OS at Thanksgiving; sue me.)