five day cover holiday season fast approaching, I was amazed that OS Editor Emily Holleman would take time out of her busy schedule to have a chat with the other me. I assured her that this was not an interview or part of an attempt to resurrect the now defunct short-lived “Open Chat” feature that Kerry Lauerman started a year and a half ago that amounted to a whole three rounds. After juggling our calendars, Emily and I found a few minutes to spare that worked for both of us. We connected via Skype the OS PM system early this morning to make it nearly impossible really easy and effective to communicate.
She's pretty, isn't she?
6:00 am: I send the following PM to Emily:
Are you ready to get this party started?”
6:15 am: No answer.
6:30 am: I check to see if Emily is up and around
handing out EPs blogging the latest open call. Busted.
6:45 am: I decide to write Emily again:
Remember we were supposed to have this PM chat. Have you by chance forgotten
to give me an EP this morning?”
7:00 am: I get an email notice that I have received a PM from Emily. In my cartouche inbox. I switch browsers and open my messages. Hers reads as follows:
“Hey Patricia (I don’t know what else to call you, so I thought I would go with the “safe” word):
I thought we were supposed to have a PM chat this morning? Have you forgotten
I don’t have time for this kind of bullshit?”
7:02 am: I rush to respond:
I was working from the wrong
Before we start, are there any subjects or issues that are completely off limits for this
interrogation informal conversation?”
I tap my fingers impatiently, waiting for a response. Two
minutes hours later, it arrives:
7:06 am: “Thanks for asking! It’s very kind of you to be so sensitive to
the fact that I’m chronically exhausted and make less than a TSA agent to put up with all this crap my needs. Here’s a short list of topics (with sub lists) that are not on the table for discussion, right off the top of my head:
What we are really looking for
and why you won’t ever find it.
How they are determined
when the dartboard is broken.
Why some people get
auto EPs and Tink doesn’t.
Auto EP button is located on my bed.
Any questions about this subject.
Why we serve it
and how we eat it.
don’t intend to do about it.
What a Facelift Bar is
and the difference it has made in my life.
How comfortable my
two other jobs Uggs are.
Why we don’t upgrade our
“Over the River and Through the Woods” operating system software.
Why you must sign in every 39 seconds
but can’t make a rating stick.
Why you can have multiple comments appear on your post
but can’t expect to receive multiple orgasms.
Who steals your writing and where it ends up when it disappears
for no logical reason whatsoever.
What the legal speed limit is on OS
and why we installed the “slowmotion” feature on most browsers.
Why I like almost everyone and everything
more than Tink. Except for poetry and fiction.
What we know about Sheldon the Wonderhorse
and how well he’s hung.
BEHIND THE SCENES AT OS AND PERSONAL QUESTIONS:
How often I allow Art James to
randomly create the cover serenade me with his poetry.
4 x 8 office really looks like
Who we laugh at all day long
and why it has nothing to do with their writing.
Inny or outy.
my idea of Salon going down for Maintenance really entails means.
How Thomas really feels
during a pat down about having to sub as editor when another one quits goes on vacation.
How much they
bribed begged me to stay longer than six months.
What I do all day
for a real living.
My honest opinions
about you or any member’s writing “talent.”
Why we don’t hire some of the smart and capable people from OS to fix
this broken down car problems.
Hope this helps! I look forward to our conversation!
This left me with little to ask Emily, other than what her plans are for Thanksgiving to which she promptly replied:
7:28 am: “None of your
fucking damned business.”
Let me conclude by saying that Emily’s
voice personal correspondence style is not as youthful sounding as she looks. She may be 13 younger than most of us, but her voice sounds much more like Suzanne Pleshette’s mature.
Her, not so much anymore
Anyway, Emily, I know we are a handful and you probably ended up with a lot less
talent and money than you bargained for when you took this job, but before you run away without leaving a forwarding address, I wanted to thank you for taking the time to not answer any of the really good questions chat with me.
On behalf of
most of the grateful members of Open Salon, I’d like to wish you a Happy Thanksgiving and thank you for surviving putting up with all of us for almost six months. Especially hgvghvhg hvvgvgh me.
It can't be
worth what they pay you easy.
HAPPY THANKSGIVING TO EMILY
AND ALL MY OS FRIENDS!
HAVE A SAFE, HAPPY, GROPE-FREE HOLIDAY!
Images: knewton.com, fox.com