O'Really?'s Blog

Think of it as "cartouche lite"
JULY 15, 2010 5:01PM

Signs that Your Relationship Has No Future

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Back in 1986, when Mickey Rourke was actually almost “hot” the film “Nine and ½ Weeks” came out, there was a scene that really stuck with me. 

Kim Basinger’s character is sitting in her office talking to her girlfriend (and I’m paraphrasing here; it’s not like I’ve seen the movie at least six times more than twice) and says that “the difference between him and the other men I’ve dated in the past is with the others, I always “knew” what would cause the demise of the relationship.   It might be a tie he wears, how he eats his soup or something that he says at a party or how he kisses you differently one afternoon.  And suddenly you know.  And then you file it under your memory for future reference and it doesn’t really catch you by surprise later on when it’s finally over.  You just know the thing that will end it.  But with this guy, I just don’t know.”….

Two and half decades later I can tell you, Basinger’s character was absolutely right.  Straight out of the O files, here is a random sampling of things that happened or words that were said that turned a relationship into a sunken ship sour and brought some of my romances to a grinding halt an unhappily ever after, even before some of them had nowhere to go at all started:

We were sitting in a restaurant having dinner and he was talking about his last girlfriend.  While loudly masticating on his veal with morels and cutting it as if he had arthritis in both hands, he said, “The one thing I don’t have to worry about is getting jealous because you’re not that beautiful.  (Insert loud chewing noises)  You won’t draw that kind of attention.”  You’re right, you arrogant, monotone Finnish turd vampire.   I don’t draw or play with crayons.  I paint on really big canvases.  Asshole.

Meet bachelor I can’t remember what number two:  He was the guy who had been married three times (he was a little like Larry King in that he married his first wife again on the third round) and had recently ended a five-year relationship with a woman whom he described as “retarded”. 

“Excuse me?” I asked, not sure if I knew where my valet ticket was had heard him correctly.

“I thought she was a little vulnerable when I met her shortly after her husband died.  I had no idea she really didn’t know how to balance a checkbook because she couldn’t do math.   Until the last few months.”  And you own a basebll team, bank and mortgage company, sir?

You should have heard him talk about his mother.  This was all before he ordered the Caesar salad with the extra anchovies.  It was our first date.  The screeching tire marks remain in the parking lot of that establishment.

Then there was the infant in the playpen with the rattle man who had never left the country, had been married six times and only drank tequila who was looking for a first mate for his ugly little boat.  I was set up why with this man?  I remember now.  We had so much in common.  He’s Jewish.  Oy.

In between, there were some men who, for one reasons too numerous to mention or another just didn’t click or missed the g-spot mark completely.

One of them used to hum.  Incessantly.  Another, had issues with dental hygiene his ex.  Yet another was still with his never to be ex.  There was the man who didn’t really know anything about like kissing.  There was the Ivy League tightwad conservative who only took me out on his company's dime.  Add to this an assortment of philanderers, one or two heart throbs breakers and a handful of just plain scaredy cats. Throw in several commitment -phobic men and put me on "Top Chef" for the quick fire challenge. 

I could just picture Padma saying, “Pack your penis knives and go home.”

I know I did.

Call me lucky.  If only I had learned all those lessons in nine and half weeks instead of a lifetime, I could have been a contender. 

In Hell’s Kitchen.

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First! (I always wanted to do that because it seemed to mean so much to you, ha!)
Are you becoming "mean", Gabby? ;)
P - you HAVE to try out for the new show, "Masterchef"! yes, yes, yes!
nahhh, I never got the 'first' thing but way back when, you got to many posts first and always marked it like "that!" Imitation is the fondest sort of flattery you know.
you make masticating sound sexy.
You are lucky O'R? Just how much, you may not know. ~R
As Ken Honeywell put it (paraphrased): smart women are hot. You are one smart woman.
but alas, men encounter the female versions
When your out of town girlfriend writes a letter in which she excitedly tells you about her visit to a psychic who tells said girlfriend that said girlfriend is conflicted about the three men in her life, and the girlfriend is amazed that the psychic knew there were three men in her life, then proceeds to list the three, including you, and you know the other two aren't relatives or just friends of the girlfriend.
Excellent stroll through your past. It stirred up plenty of my own. And like yours, plenty of lessons learned, and most of those memories would have been better left undisturbed.

And poor Mickey Rourke's face.
I'm pretty sure I've repressed all the dates I had that were like these.
One day I'll use that line -- "Pack up your penis and go home." -- and I'll think of you.
I think we've gone out with some of these guys' twin brothers. Thanks for the laughs!
never having dated so much, i cannot relate to the variety, but i do know that hateful little thing which is gonna break me in two. for me, it was hearing the man blow his nose. i left out the adjectives for the children's sakes.
This rings SO true! One of my brief liaisons would never take me anywhere unless he had a coupon or a "deal" from his credit card company. Try negotiating Vegas that way...Don't get me started! O'Really, this was a funny if not too close to the bone post. And for the record, Honeywell is a god for saying that in my book.
“The one thing I don’t have to worry about is getting jealous because you’re not that beautiful. " Now that is a man who is a certified jerk! Good for you! R-
this is good.

whistling drives me bonkers. I realize you're touching on important issues and major flaws but I'm so self involved I hardly notice most of it, which explains my serial marriages and historically bad long term relationships. it's the whistlers though, the off key high pitched screeching coming from between pursed lips that snap me right the hell out of my reverie and send me flying.
I love this post, especially the crossed out words.
I'm glad that you're still writing these hilarious (yet sad) stories. Will you send me an autographed copy of the book?
Gabby: Flattered, I'm shua!
Chuck: I make mastication sexy. ;)
FusunA: I know, I know!
Owl: Aw shucks, thanks!
Brian B: Show me one woman who whistles constantly. Just one!
Stim: I'm confused. I'm a woman. The last time I looked down there I was...
Gigabiting: "Poor Mickey Rourke's face" indeed!
sixtycandles: No extra charge for the speed therapy!
micalpeace: xoxo
Bellwether: I wonder if Lorena Bobbit would use that...
mginmn: At least we can laugh about it now. Then, not so much.
dianaani: Nose honking/blowing! Ewwwww!
Linnnn: I never had the coupon king. Hopefully, I won't meet him in my travels.
Dave Rickert: Certified and pre-owned jerk at that!
Foolish: I must have mentally blocked out the whistlers. They rank up there with clowns and mimes (mimetalker excluded).
What a wonderful crew of losers.....Maybe I don't ever want to date again...
As one who has been officially dubbed "the Empress of mean" I salute you for this post. It made me laugh on a very stressful day and sounded all-too-familiar vis-a-vis my own string of failed relationships before I finally bit the bullet and married a man whose faults I can (mostly) live with. You see, I have a few of my own. :)
I whistle damn near ALL the time
no dates yet, hmmmmmm?
Laughing laughing laughing. Pack your penis and go home. Priceless._r
Hang in there, O' Really. I'm sure you are learning to avoid the jerks.
I know this is supposed to be funny, but I can't laugh. Too much pain inflicted to find humorous.
Romantic: Strike throughs are my calling card.
Roger: From your mouth to a yet to be named publisher's ears!
Lunchlady 2: Step AWAY from the dating scene. You will thank me for it.
emma: If I can make the empress of mean laugh, I've done a good day's work!
dianaani: Say. It's. Not. So.
Joan: It does have a nice (cock?) ring to it, doesn't it? ;)
Lea: Of course I am. I've been through most of them., missy! ;)
Aw Sheepy: Some of the best comedy comes from tragedy. And thanks for "bouncing" in.... ;)
Ah, the stories we could all tell...
Fuck, now you got me thinking all about Mickey Rourke with the lock of wavy hair hanging over his brow. But then I flash quickly to the bleach blonde Wrestler getting shot in the ring with a staple gun.

Yes, it all changes quite quickly ...
There's a big ditto up there in those words...I am just so happy I am with a man who loves me the way I am...big hooters, big blue eyes, big bank account, big on sports...OK, well, not so much, other than blue eyes.
I so enjoyed reading this. Why? I have no clue! Seriously, what we go through to find love and happiness. Jeez...

You get the reward for both remembering all these encounters and the way in which you made them come alive for us.

Great stuff here as usual O.
Here's one for the files: I'm sitting with guy who i thought was cute and had been running into for a while and see's me and calls me over to sit on the bench with him and his dog. Great, right? While talking i can't help but notice that he keeps eyeing all young good looking girls that have short dresses or skimpy tops. He says "if my girlfriend or wife ever met me outside dressed like that, i would shove my watch in her face (at which point he shoved his watch in my face, hmm maybe he just wanted to show his big watch, anyway...) and say You've got ten minutes to go back home and put on something different!" And he thought this was funniest thing in the world, started doing a countdown. buhbye dubbie.
This was hilarious. Just the other day, an older guy was giving me a mentorish pep talk about what makes relationships work or not work -- and out of nowhere he says "the ones that end all have one thing in common: contempt."

Well, your stereo voice here managed to make get that across in the most delicious way possible. I'm a-gonna pack my penis and rate this sucker.
sweetfeet: The difference is, is that I do!
Just Cathy: Be thankful you have blue eyes. I always wanted a pair of them myself!
Cameleon/Burgess Dillard: I'm so behind the times I'm still using a Filofax if that tells you anything!
Bonnie: The last time I "saw it coming", oh, never mind...
RARoberts: I have no clue either, but I'm glad you enjoyed it! I have a serious long term memory for details that nobody has any reason whatsoever to want to remember. Who knew we would be able to blog about all them in the future?
trilogy: I have to give credit to the guys for supplying me with the material.
nguzetta: Buh bye, indeed. I would have asked him for his home phone number and called his wife to tell him what he said. But that's just me...
Drewonimo: I may have to borrow that line about contempt. But you win hands down (no pun intended) for packing your penis and rating. I'm in the big leagues now, aren't I....? ;
You know what you need? A one way ticket to Palookasville.
You are such a brave soul to conjure up the past like this. I can't fathom visiting mine, though my son informs me it is where I live.

He thought she was vulnerable shortly after her husband died? So he thought she would be easy? Until we figure out why we are attracted to pigs, blah, blah, blah. I think I've figured it out now... thus I do not date. Thanks for the reminder because I was thinking of taking it up again.
Well, Blow. Me. (Down). Is blumenthal in the house?! Where have you been hiding and more importantly, where the hell is Palookasville? If that's where you live, blu, I want a one way ticket out of there!

MAWB: I don't conjure up the past; it tends to come up and visit me. Like acid reflux. When you come to Florida, we'll talk about it.
Him: “The one thing I don’t have to worry about is getting jealous because you’re not that beautiful. "

You: "Oh.. I'm so sorry. Was it an accident that left you blind, or were you born that way?"

A great re-cap. My list is not as impressive, but you might have inspired me to do a few fictional characters. R
Natalie: I wish I had thought of that. Seriously!
Sheila(with all those numbers): How I wish all of them had been fictional. But no, I had to get the real thing....
Damn! I was gonna try to hit on you, but you hit on two or three of my...er, idiosyncracies, which I'd always kinda hoped women found vaguely charming. I may have to rethink this whole battle of the sexes thing all over again...
@O'Really?: Blow what down exactly? If you've got something standing there, you need to see a doctor.
You're a little rusty there, blu. But you knew that already. (the little part, that is)
How do you end up with all these schlubs? Sorry, dumb question.
Actually, blu, that's not a dumb question at all. They prepared me for the virtual hell that is you.
Oh really? We had a date? That explains why I vomited.
What a hoot O'R! Given your sample size, there's no disputing your findings. And as someone with a number of Finnish relatives, I recognize that guileless trait of blurting out something that's bound to give offense. Fortunately that gene is mostly recessive in me; it only surfaces at inopportune moments.

All the characteristics you cite are certainly deal-breakers to me. I've been put off by more minor stuff, like littering or the one who always watered her wine with ginger ale. No future imaginable.
No, we had no date, blu. You must have me confused with Millard Fillmore.
Matt: Step away from any potential pick up lines and quite while you're ahead.

Abrawang: You are man after my own heart. (Even if you have that recessive Finnish gene) (At least you recognize its faults)
You're right. Millard Fillmore and you have 2 things in common: you're about the same age, and you look identical.
And if I were to try to go after it, you'd surely see the recessive gene unshackled.
blu: Is that the best that you can come up with after such a long hiatus? Silly me. Of course it is. That you can come up at all is probably questionable and the longest thing is probably the hiatus. Are you in training to get back into the groove?
Abrawang: There's nothing more attractive than an unshackled man.
You're a poopie head.
Well, you've fixed my wagon now, haven't you, blu? I've been called many things in my life, but to be called a "poopie head" by a former editor of Playboy, hit Hollywood screenwriter and novelist makes me feel so.....I dunno.......stinky. Please pass me the Purell, would you?
Doesn't that depend on what he has in his jeens?
Thanks for the plugs, but you're still a poopie head.
@Abrawang: Nothing comes between me and your Calvin Kleins.

Blu: You have plugs in your hair?! Ha, ha, ha! Who knew?!
There are a lot of frogs in the lilly pond and very few are princes beneath the slime. Chew'em up, spit'em out -- tastes like chicken.
@O'Really: We all know where your plug is, and it ain't anywhere near your head.
O'R, let's see, between you and my Calvins, nothing comes, hmm, I know there's a retort lurking somewhere. I must have more than one recessive gene.
@Ablonde: How true, how true. I'd like to put that phrase on my thong underwear.

blu: Thank God for that. One can only contain one spill at a time....
@Abrawang: A lurking retort is always a great big turn-on....
blume - stfu - oreally - dubbie wasn't married but his name was dubbie and that was bad enough.
@O'Really"? via Ablonde: O, you could transcribe "War and Peace" on your thong.
@blu: You should see how "Dostoyesky" looks on my bra.
O: I can imagine how he looks: nauseated.
Oh the stories I could tell from my time as a serial dater after my last divorce. It would be nice to meet men who were mute, I'm sure it would solve things. In the meantime not dating at all has solved any relationship problems that might come up.

Give yourself a big pat on the back, I married some of them!
O'R, so is being told that. And I thought it was the temp that was bringing on this sheen.
O'R, so does being told that. And here I was thinking that it was the temperature bringing on this sheen.
Blu: He actually looks wonderful. In Cyrillic.

Abrawang: As long as "Charlie" doesn't "come" in the deal,

L'heure: Yes. A mute man would be lovely.
Look, you've even got me stuttering.
Charlie definitely doesn't come, at least not in this deal. He don't surf either.
@ Abra: Any man that has "wang" in his name gets my attention. Just sayin'......... Stutter on that...
O: If Dostoevsky is on your bra, he probably needs MaqQuest to find what's inside.
PS: You spelled his name wrong, thus proving that you're a poopie head missing a head.
Hey, that's my moniker you're messing with. Hands off the moniker!
@Blu: Thank you for finding my "v" spot, blu. Consider it professional courtesy.

Abrawang: There's nothing better than a good, hard moniker to grab on to.....
O: The only spots I've found on you are the measle graves on your backside. Not a pretty sight.
I think we dated the same guys!
O'R, you & Blu should get married. Even if, or especially if, the, adult, side the the union wasn't to your mutual satisfaction, the raw material would be blogimus maximus for OSers. Think about the service to mankind here.
Even if it's borrowed, or I guess we say "sampled" these days? Have you any idea where it's been?
Abrawang: I'm just sick and tired of people referring to O'Really's posterior as "maximus." Even if it's true.
@Abra: Since blu insists on speaking so loudly, this would be marriage based on "till deaf do us part". I can hear the headlines already.
@blu: My posterior has been known to provide "maximus" effect.
blu - re the maximus, you evidently have a greater familiarity with the subject matter so I'll defer to superior insight.
O'Really: Ha ha! Nothing like a pathetic pun to put us all to sleep. You should do stand-up -- in your closet.
O'R, re the posterior, as it would be churlish to ask for references (and in no way do I doubt that you could provide them, at least from those whose names you got), I'm inclined to take your word.
@O: Maximus effect on the mattress maybe. How many have you fallen through now?
@Abrawang: You're a poopie head.
@Abra: The only "superior" "insight" belongs to my proctologist.

@blu: Haven't you heard? I'm a stay at home comedienne.
blu - as an environmentalist, I have to admire how you reuse and recycle your cleverest lines.
@O: I know you stay at home. Alone.
@Abrawang: If you're an environmentalist, why are you still polluting the comments section?
O'R, I guess it's a relief that one person in your life is professionally sworn to secrecy. Still, his/her memoires are bound to come out one of these years.
blu - not polluting. Just trying to straighten out the mess I found.
Abra: Ignore the imaginary man behind the imaginary curtain.

Blu: Given the choice of dealing between dealing with you publicly or privately, I would gladly stay at home. As long as you don't know my address.
O'R, good advice I think. By the way, if you want a break to respond to all those other calls and letters pouring in, you've earned it. Can't imagine why fjkriklusygr fjkriklusygr hasn't chimed in yet with the latest deals on running shoes. Were you de-favorited?
@O: I do know your address: Baboon cage at the zoo
glad i got here late enough to laugh at the post *and* the comments. go blu/o'r! it's been a while. good stuff.
"The one thing I don’t have to worry about is getting jealous because you’re not that beautiful. "

He evidently wasn't looking at you between your

The sad thing is that you have to kiss a lot of frogs before one shape-shifts into your soulmate. It can get a bit ugly.
NO ONE does the x-outs w as much sense & humor as you do them. Brava, again. As to the 'men'.... r.
O'R ... Blu ... I apolgize for listening in; didn't mean to, but it was hard not to overhear. Anyway, to those youngster who may be reading this, do not feel bad about masticating. It is a natural thing to do. 100% of all males and over 90% of all females (up from 80% since I was a boy) do it. It is perfectly OK, and no, it will not make you blind ... until you are at least in your sixties. I say treat it like a good cause; do it 'til it hurts.