Jerusalem – Sectarian tensions rose yesterday as the UN International Dateline Commission convened its 2012 session. At issue was determining how to move the tiny Pacific Island nations of Samoa and Tokelau to the opposite side of the International Dateline.
Minor skirmishes broke out when Christian, Jewish, and Muslim supporters fought for hours over which calendar – Gregorian, Hariji, or Hebrew – to use in planning the move. Chinese representatives remain neutral on the calendar question and the Romans voted in absentia for the Julian Calendar.
The fighting broke out after the Christian delegation charged the Muslim and Jewish delegations of declaring a War on New Year.
“They declared a War on Christmas and now they’re trying to steal the entire year from us,” said Hank Hucklebuck, Chairman of the God Says We’re Right and You’re Wrong Alliance. “Like Christmas, New Year has been part of a Christian tradition leading all the way back to 1582 when St. Greg of the Equinox threw out that evil Julian calendar.”
“Look, Christians are a fair-minded lot and we would never want to deprive others of their right to celebrate the New Year as they wish. However, we’re right, they’re wrong and only God can change that. We have already contacted his representative, Pat Robertson, to negotiate when our calendar will be chosen. We are looking forward to resolving this issue peacefully,” Hucklebuck said.
Muslim representatives had a different point of view.
“Those Christians are always going around shoving Jesus into our faces. To me this has nothing to do with the calendar. Mohamed is clearly the most important of any prophet in any religion and he chose the Hariji. Of that, there is no question,” said Isaiah Mustafa.
Israel’s Hebrew Calendar Defense League threatened violence if the Gregorian or Hariji calendars were adopted.
“We may have nuclear weapons. We have a very capable fighting force. We have the might of the last remaining global superpower behind us. We will prevail,” said Bibi Badder, Chief of Israel’s Time Continuum Militia. “If our calendar is not chosen, as as God directs, we will bomb the US Congressional Prayer Caucus, Iran, and both Michele Bachmann and that other fool…Richard Santorum.”
Fighting calmed only slightly after several unsuccessful attempts to negotiate a cease fire. Sources say that negotiations broke down when representatives could not agree on a calendar to use in setting up the ceasefire timing. A small group of Atheists tried to enter the meeting and offer a compromise based on a scientific calendar, but Islamic, Christian, and Jewish members threw stones at them until they drove them from the Temple on the Mount.
“We may not be able to agree on a calendar,” Hucklebuck said, “but we can all agree that whatever the atheists propose is complete scientific mumbo-jumbo.”
When it appeared the chance for an agreement was unlikely the Christian delegation decided to gear up their grassroots War on Christmas organization for a War on New Year. They’ve called on Fox News to launch the crusade immediately. Bill O’Reilly and Sean Hannity have already come aboard.
“People will call things by their proper Christian names or they will be hanged as enemy combatants for their violations of our family values. If we do not win this war – though that’s impossible because God is on our side – homosexualist indoctrinators will tell our kids they can’t pray in school and a massive outbreak of man-on-horse sex could rage,” said GOP Presidential candidate Rick Santorum.
“Mark my words.”
Cross posted at The Omnipotent Poobah Speaks!