Just my 2 cents

Issues affecting me and my community

Olga Little

Olga Little
Location
Chicago, Illinois, USA
Birthday
August 11
Title
educator/babysitter/mother/warden/nurse/counselor
Company
Chicago Public Schools
Bio
I am a high school English educator; however on most days I feel like an underpaid babysitter. I do like teaching (when I am able to do so) and would love to get additional degrees; nevertheless, I don't want to spend thousands of dollars on degrees and still be unhappy with a flawed system.

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MAY 8, 2011 11:45PM

It's Mother's Day and I'm crying because I miss my dad.

Rate: 2 Flag

dad and me 

My dad was the oldest of four children. When his parents had him, they were teenagers. I never met my grandmother (she died before I was born) but I've always had this disdain towards her. I know it may seem strange because I never met her, but I did. I believe it was because I blamed her for my dad's emotional issues.

I am not sure exactly when it started but I know it was when I discovered what happened when my dad was a child.  After my dad was born, he went to live with his grandparents (his mother's parents). I am not sure of the arrangements but I do know she did not return to get him for some years. There has always been discrepancies about when she came and if she tried to get him one other time and her dad said no. I don't know, but what I do know is her absence had a huge bearing on my dad's life and his inability to relate to my mother and his daughters.

My dad was not that provider or protector that I believe a dad should be. I am not sure if it was because of his parents and the lack of nuturing they provided or what. I do know that his relationship with his siblings and dad was strained. When I went with him to bury his dad in December of 09, he did not want to stay at the family house with his siblings and my sisters and I got a hotel room.

My dad had a lot of emotional issues and he didn't know how to deal with them. I believe his mother's absence had a huge affect on his inability to communicate with us. My aunt tried to convince us that her mother loved my dad, but I am not convinced.  I'm baffled as to how someone could love a child yet leave him with someone else to rear for at least 13 years. That's some kind of love. 

My dad's inablity to communicate with his daughters had an affect on me and the men I selected. I found myself choosing to date men who were similar to him and sometimes that is scary. My dad had an excellent work ethic but he was not motivated to go higher. My mom had dreamed of opening her own home day care center but from my understanding my dad refused to take the physical.

It wasn't until after my daughter was born that my dad started to change.  He would do things for my daughter that a dad should do for his daughter. I'm not sure if he finally realized what a daughter needs from her dad or if he did it because her dad is not active in her life. I guess it really doesn't matter at this point. 

There is so much more I can say about my dad but that won't bring him back or change the fact that I really miss him.

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Comments

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Another very touching piece, Olga. It takes strength not to judge and to understand that there are often good explanations for a person's complexities. You must miss your father very much.
True maturity is when you can except your parents as people. I believe after you have you own children you gain so much perspective. Nicely written and the sentiments are very true.
@Paul, I do. Thank you Rita.