Just my 2 cents

Issues affecting me and my community

Olga Little

Olga Little
Chicago, Illinois, USA
August 11
Chicago Public Schools
I am a high school English educator; however on most days I feel like an underpaid babysitter. I do like teaching (when I am able to do so) and would love to get additional degrees; nevertheless, I don't want to spend thousands of dollars on degrees and still be unhappy with a flawed system.


FEBRUARY 16, 2009 9:04PM

Just when I thought I had it together.

Rate: 9 Flag

Just when I thought I was getting it together (I still am) I hit a brick wall.  I saw my ex today (he came to see my daughter play basketball).  I must admit that he was looking pretty good.  I knew I was probably going to see him today because he was invited to the game (beforehe dumped me, he and my daughter had a conversation about her games and he thought that I wouldn't want him there because of what happened between us) prior to the split. 

The game started a little bit before 3:30p and when he didn't show up shortly after that, I thought he wasn't coming.  Well, he came late and he was looking pretty good.  He had stopped by his house to shower and change out of his work clothes, hence the delay. 

Why can't I seem to shake this feeling I have for him?  In spite of everything he has done (which I really don't won't to rehash, but nothing horrible) I still have feelings for him.  My good friend Tom would remind me that love and logic is like oil and vinegar.  I don't know exactly what I was expecting to happen today, but it didn't.  Maybe I was expecting him to say he was sorry for being a fool and he wants to be together.  Maybe I was expecting him to kiss me passionately and say nothing at all.  I'm not sure what I was expecting, but I know it didn't happen. 

I know I've spoken about my singleness on more than one occassion.  I am not sure if I've explained why this is really bothering me.  My sisters (2 older and 1 younger) are still single.  Most of my female cousins are single with no prospects insight.  A good number of my sistagirl friends are single.  Most of us have never married and we often wonder if we will.  We are in our mid to late 30's and according to society and statitics, most women of color who have not married will never marry.  I know many of us have or will put ourselves on a level where most Black men will never approach us because of the education we will/have amassed. 

I don't have the answers and if I did, I'd package it and sell it.  I appreciate everyone who has and continues to encourage me to keep holding on to my convictions and standards.  If he only didn't show up at the game today, I'd probably wouldn't have had these emotions stirred up inside of me.  Damn him.

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This is the Twilight Zone. I hear a great deal about the surplus of available (and attractive) sisters who go wanting because they are too successful, too educated, or too well off financially. So WHERE ARE THEY?
Ok... now that I got that out of my system... I wish you the best of luck. Don't give up.
Is it wanting HIM that's the problem? Or just wanting someone. Because if you still love him, there's no solution for that one except being with him again, or time-healing your need to be with him (which seems to take forever). Anyway, your friend is right, there's no logic to love. And convictions and standards are great, but sometimes it's nice to relax them a little. (Don't you wish life could be like the movies? the happy romantic movies, not the quirky independent bummer films.)
"I'm not sure what I was expecting, but I know it didn't happen."

There's the Cap'n history in a nutshell.

To tell you the truth, Cap kinda misses being single.
Preaching to the choir, gf. rated.
@ Harp, I am still holding on.
@suzie, I think it's the wanting/loving him that is the problem. I have others who claim to be interested, but they are not HIM. I am going to try and relax a bit. I do have some things that are non-negotiable. (And yes, only if life was like the movies or those stupid fairy tales.)
@Cap, I'm just tired of going to events (weddings, birthdays and other celebrations) alone.
@Deborah, let the choir say AMEN!
Your good friend Tom is going to remind you again that love and logic is like oil and vinegar. There's a reason the verb is "fall" in love, and each time you've fallen and been broken and somehow managed to put the pieces back together, you're a little more reluctant to take a fall again.
Tom, I was wondering when you were going to stop by. Thanks for the reminder.
It's hard. Society puts a lot of pressure on women to marry, but things have changed and marriage doesn't mean what it did 50 years ago. If a man can't appreciate you for your independence and accomplishments, that's a shame. I hope mothers and fathers teach their sons to appreciate a strong, independent woman because the attitude that a woman can be "over-educated" needs to stop. Women like you are an asset to a family and hopefully you find someone who realizes that.
@scruffus, you are right about how society has shaped us and told us what is acceptable and what isn't. I am still hopeful that things will change. I am not going to settle just for the sake of saying I have someone. Thanks for the encouragement.
I know this feeling, you are doing great until you see THE ex.
Mine moved away but I finally had to cut off all contact, even online and had to lose the mutual friends. I know that is impossible when there are children involved.
I also have a lot of great girlfriends- same age group- who are single and don't see it changing anytime soon.
@batface, thanks for stopping by. I am getting myself together and trying to move on.
I'm sorry, Olga. You deserve a great guy. I'm not sure the ex deserves you.