Just when I thought I was getting it together (I still am) I hit a brick wall. I saw my ex today (he came to see my daughter play basketball). I must admit that he was looking pretty good. I knew I was probably going to see him today because he was invited to the game (beforehe dumped me, he and my daughter had a conversation about her games and he thought that I wouldn't want him there because of what happened between us) prior to the split.
The game started a little bit before 3:30p and when he didn't show up shortly after that, I thought he wasn't coming. Well, he came late and he was looking pretty good. He had stopped by his house to shower and change out of his work clothes, hence the delay.
Why can't I seem to shake this feeling I have for him? In spite of everything he has done (which I really don't won't to rehash, but nothing horrible) I still have feelings for him. My good friend Tom would remind me that love and logic is like oil and vinegar. I don't know exactly what I was expecting to happen today, but it didn't. Maybe I was expecting him to say he was sorry for being a fool and he wants to be together. Maybe I was expecting him to kiss me passionately and say nothing at all. I'm not sure what I was expecting, but I know it didn't happen.
I know I've spoken about my singleness on more than one occassion. I am not sure if I've explained why this is really bothering me. My sisters (2 older and 1 younger) are still single. Most of my female cousins are single with no prospects insight. A good number of my sistagirl friends are single. Most of us have never married and we often wonder if we will. We are in our mid to late 30's and according to society and statitics, most women of color who have not married will never marry. I know many of us have or will put ourselves on a level where most Black men will never approach us because of the education we will/have amassed.
I don't have the answers and if I did, I'd package it and sell it. I appreciate everyone who has and continues to encourage me to keep holding on to my convictions and standards. If he only didn't show up at the game today, I'd probably wouldn't have had these emotions stirred up inside of me. Damn him.