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From the Forest to the Shore, Connecticut, USA
March 12
Director of Change
An unnamed non-profit health care provider
Change is good...that's what I keep telling my colleagues. It's difficult and hard. It's challenging and rewarding. It's fraught with peril. It needs to be done...yesterday!


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FEBRUARY 21, 2012 5:15PM

The Lord stops by for a talk. Who's going to believe me?

Rate: 28 Flag

Lying in bed last night I tossed and turned thinking about the extremism of the religious right.

Then a deep voice boomed above me. It wasn’t Orson Welles’ or Sir Cedric Hardwicke’s voice. It was close, but it was more like John Facenda’s; perhaps a cross between John Facenda’s and Mel Brandt’s. It must the Supreme being know as the Lord, or King of the Universe. God for short.

“Sheepdog, can you hear you hear me?” It queried in a stentorian manner.

 “A deaf man can hear, you,” I replied sardonically.

 “That’s Mel Brooks’s joke. Haven’t you ever heard of attribution?” the voice asked.

 “Speaking of attribution, there are a lot people in American politics who claim to be speaking for you or your son,” I responded. “Isn’t that a violation of your commandments bearing false witness or using the Lord’s name in vain? By the way, shouldn’t you be talking to them instead of me? I’m not what you would call a true believer. I’m agnostic on this organized religion thing, I’m a Democrat…to paraphrase Will Rogers.”

The voice chuckled. “No, I’m choosing you, Sheepdog. You see, you are able to reason, and the people who read your blog, they think that you have an open mind. Many share your point of view. I know I do.”

This reminded me of the politician’s ploy of sucking up to the press by telling the reporter what a great writer they are…nonetheless, who am I to argue with a Supreme Being?

He went on, “You deliver a message of tolerance, a recognition that people are imperfect, and a belief in equality for all. I want to spend some time with you. Is this a good time?” he asked.

“Well it’s three o’clock in the morning. Go ahead. I do have a status meeting conference call at 9:30.”

He chuckled again. “I knew there should have been twelve commandments. Number eleven should have been: Thou shalt not have status meetings.”

I thought carefully for a moment. “and number twelve?”

“That not important, but I digress. It is important that you write about this. You and those who read your blog need to challenge these charlatans who claim to speak for me. You must ask those who read your blog to speak out against bigotry, hatred, greed and avarice. People think you make sense. You must get them to recognize the efforts of these zealots who are trying to subjugate your constitution and the principles on which your country was founded. You and your readers must stop this transgression against all of humanity”

“Well,” I said. “Why not create one of your miracles? Why are you asking a writer who poses as a dog to send this message?”

“Look miracles are overrated. I created humans in my own image, and it’s been difficult to look in the mirror lately. I’ve given man and woman the capacity to think. Men and women have built civilizations. I did not create the cities, highways, space craft and the internet. Man and woman did that. It’s up to men and women to take action into their own hands and fight this oppression. Mention my name a few times. People will believe you.” He paused for effect.

 “What make you think people will believe that you talked with me?” I asked.

He paused for a moment and said, “Look they believe that nitwit Franklin Graham speaks with me. I’ve never had a conversation with him, ever. Why would he? Following in his father’s footsteps is nepotism. He should go out and get a real job. Like hosting TV infomercials. Say something with wit and common sense, and people will believe you. You might even get an Editor’s Pick, too.”

“That would be a ‘miracle’,” I said sarcastically.

“Look my time here is almost done. Do you have any questions?”

 “Well, I have a few if you don’t mind…”

 He cut me off.

 “Tom Brady is not my nephew, Bill Belichick is not the devil, and I won’t give you the winning numbers to Powerball or Mega Millions. You have a better chance of winning if you buy a ticket, anyway.”

 And with that, the voice was gone. While there were no silver bullets left behind like with the Lone Ranger, I never did get to thank him.

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Wow, now I am impressed!!! Cover for sure!!!
Did he mention birth control? Oh well, nice of him to clear up a few things.
Sheila -- Don't bet the rent on that.

Buffy -- To paraphrase Rodney Dangerfield in Back to School, birth control for everyone.
I could use those lottery numbers.
“What make you think people will believe that you talked with me?” I asked.
it sounds like one of my back & forths with The Creator,
who has , along with other exemplary qualities,
a consummate sense o f humor.

we all talk with the real god,as he is within, not without.
we just cant conceive we are worthy of his talk, is our
That was great! I knew God was a dog person! Nicely written, with wit, humor, and truth! However, I already called dibs on the lottery numbers...
Ha! You are the chosen one, Sheepie. Nothing about Powerball numbers? ~r
there is (at least to my tin ear) nothing about your title that would clue a potential reader in that this is **hilarious**, sheepie. "why are you asking a writer who poses as a dog" ... was about the seventh howler. oh, and i bet he did give you the lotto numbers but you're just not telling. xo
And you never found out the 12th commandment? Damn.
phyllis -- No doubt, no doubt.

James -- Cracking wise with God, and not getting the lightning bolt is not a bad thing.

JessyLynn -- Thanks

Joan H. -- I probably went too far when I asked for those...

Candace -- Don't tell Joan H., but I'm waiting for the jackpot to build up to 400 million.

jlsathre -- Like any good comedian, God just wanted to exit with the audience wanting more.
Bottom line is" If you don't play ya can't win..:)
Of course I believe you talked to God. Here I am responding to posting by a guy who pretends to be a dog. Come to think of it, God is dog spelled backwords, and dog is God spelled backwards; so maybe you talked to yourself. Just saying. R
Waaaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiiiittttttttt - what about Tebow? ;)

I think it will take many voices speaking out about "a message of tolerance, a recognition that people are imperfect, and a belief in equality for all."

Colbert is attibuted with this, which I also appreciate very much:
"If this is going to be a Christian nation that doesn't help the poor, either we have to pretend that Jesus was just as selfish as we are, or we've got to acknowledge that He commanded us to love the poor and serve the needy without condition and then admit that we just don't want to do it."
Love this: "I created humans in my own image, and it’s been difficult to look in the mirror lately."
You know who else god chats with? Charles Manson and Fred Phelps. What a nice bridge game that would make.
Excellent post, and thanks for the confirmation of what I always suspected - that John Facenda is the voice of G-d. If Bob Shepard isn't, that is.
Linda -- There's the old joke between the guy who prays to win the lottery and God says "meet me halfway, buy a ticket."

Trudge -- I can see how you could see that.

Keri -- I think God has been Tebowed to death. Brady Quinn said it best. As for Colbert, people who don't take what he says seriously are missing out.

John -- Thanks for recognizing that line. I appreciate it.
I believe you OES. He sent me an email the other day. He wasn't in nearly as good a mood then. I suppose it's the anonymity of the Internet. You know, you can post whatever you want and suffer no repercussions, 'cause no-one knows who you really are. Am I right? I'm right.

And while Bill Belichick is not the devil, I have heard him referred to by those in the know as the Devil's Advocate. Literally.

Did you hear the one about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac? He stayed up all night wondering if there really is a Dog.
I don't doubt you for a minute, Sheepie, because I believe God would talk to a dog (by the way that's God spelled backward) before he/she/it would talk to Rick Sanitarium. Speaking of Sanitarium, I'm told that lots of people in them speak to God all the time -- maybe that's where Righteous Rick belongs. I know he certainly does NOT belong in the White House.
Hey Jesus - following in your father's footsteps is totally nepotism. You should get a real job, like hosting infomercials. Man, you're a slacker.

Oooh cool, Pet Shop Boys.
Yes God Love you and might be sharing a few works but everyone else thinks your making it up. Just kidding.
.°•.¸.•°❤ PEACE ❤°•.¸.•° •.¸¸.•*`*•❤
Miracles are overrated? How about David Tyree? Mario Manningham?
Thanks for this message of tolerance and reason and I know why you were chosen.
I tried to talk with the Almighty. He told me I needed a breath mint, then left.

Ditto to what Blumenthal said. A really good line.
This is fantastic---likely falls into that bizarre "too good for the cover" category--so just in case that doesn't happen. . .

1. This rings of truth in every way. It's also entertaining.
2. I was delighted to learn that the Big Guy was polite.
3. I'm not much on labels---but to me---this IS religion.

And most important---you did some great work here. Message heard.
A tail wagger. =o)

Wait, you're only POSING as a dog?
I'm also wondering what that 12th Commandment might be...there are so many possibilities that come to mind...maybe God will make a return visit and fill you in!
I think Gawd is all hat and no cattle. Or all blow and no go. All talk and no walk? All Voice and no muscle!