AUGUST 30, 2011 4:06PM

Shopping Cart Envy

Rate: 3 Flag

Shopping carts: wrath of God or just luck of the draw? I for one have no clue but side on the theory of the former because I ALWAYS--AND I MEAN ALWAYS get the bad shopping cart.

I am the Job of the shopping cart world because anything that can possibly go wrong with a shopping cart: wobbling wheels--three go straight, fourth goes back, the inexplicable shudder as if it is going to that shopping cart afterworld where it will be filled with all fattening things that don't make you fat pushed by Michael Jackson or Elvis or just the general shakiness like it needs a swig from a flask to continue. That is the shopping cart that I get. What's the deal?

Wonderful shopping carts do exist--I see them being pushed by everyone every day. They are clean, so shiny, you can floss your teeth in their reflection. And they don't glide--they float, I tell you!

Don't bother asking the Walmart greeter if this or that one is a good cart, they are used cart salesmen in disguise. "Oh, that's a good one!" but then you will be pushing this thing like it had a Hummer inside.

But, I'm smart, I followed this elderly man stealthly all around the store because he flew silently around with his cart like it had wings. Yes, this is the one I want. Finally, when he slid the cart back in with the rest, I pounced.

 Pull...stuck. PULLLSTUCK! OHCOMEONWHATTHEPLEASEGODPLEASE!

Are you kidding me? Just then, a kindly, sweet-faced woman was exiting. "Oh I hate when they stick like that. You can have mine." I nodded and smiled and crossed my fingers as I gripped the cart. No pull, no shudder, no shake. Could it be? Just then...the squeak that was heard around the store. Old people turned down their hearing aides. Mother covered babies ears and dogs waiting in cars began to howl.

So, either God really doesn't like me or there is a conspiracy by the fates to always make me look like the goober. I mean I never had the cool jeans, as an adult can't I at least have a cool cart? If not, I am going choose to be a grow your own food person and buy everything else on the internet. We all know such annoying people like this and they aren't so progressive, they're just shopping cart pariah too.

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I always get the one with the manic right rear wheel, and the front going to the oblique left.
I'm glad I'm not the only one.
Gaffaws! Thank you! Needed that!

Try the expensive no- cart stores! Then you'll refuse to buy enough to need a damn cart! Or just bring WD40.