Like wild flowers.

He cried in the dark, His giant form shook in my lap. “I got scared today. I ran away from the horse. I don’t want people to think I can’t control myself again.”

Bouquets of His changes.

Fear shook him when I yelled at one of the… Read full post »

I lost a sweater at Chuck E Cheese.

He is different

I was there for a birthday party.

Scary to some

She had seven candles on her cake.

I see how he effects others

I don’t remember her name.

I let them tell me their fears

She was in my… Read full post »

I walked into our planning meeting with a lot of hesitation. Resistance would probably be a better word.

I enter the room to a fresh faced twenty-something smiling broadly up at me. She raises to introduce herself. We shake hands and she tells me how excited she is to work… Read full post »

I keep saying it. I don’t mean to. I don’t want to. Maybe it’s my sense of honesty. Maybe it’s my grief shouting out.

I hate saying it. It’s not fun to say. I see it makes others uncomfortable. I know the words are of little consequence.

I think… Read full post »

My thirteen year-old and I were driving along, deep in a conversation about the meaning of a word when three young men ran across the highway about a mile ahead of us. They were about halfway across our lane when I recognized my lanky, missing, teenager and the red flannel shirt he… Read full post »

He was staring at his feet when I opened the door.

“Is it Friday?” He swayed as he spoke.

“Yeah, it’s Friday.” My voice brought his face up “You okay?”

“What time is it” “Just after noon. Dinner’s at five.”

“Can I sleep… Read full post »

When does a parent stop grieving?

When does the scar leave the earth?

Where do you turn to morn?

Where does solace come from?

How do you dispel the pain?

How do I find peace as his chaos walks beside me?

Thousands of ways to find my way out. Kids… Read full post »

The group is held once a week, it's ninety minutes long. Our children, the reason we are here, go in a room at one end of the hall as we enter our own at the opposite end. We sit around a horseshoe table paired in family groups. Brought together by chaos… Read full post »

He’s coming home

His shoes will clutter the floor

His legs will cascade across the couch

His stories will be heard

I am overjoyed

His dirty dishes will fill the sink

His voice will dance among the rest

His laundry will explode across the laundry room

His scent will grace the… Read full post »

Five months of residentail therapy.

Today he spent the whole day with us.

Five hours as a family.

It's the longest we've had.

My son.

He ran with his yonger brother.

They hid eggs for the younger kids.

He ate too much.

Three plates of dessert.

After four plates of… Read full post »

It is done. 

You told me.

Life stopped.

I sat beside you.

Your tears fell.

I caught them.

Your body shook.

I held it.

Your memories flowed

I listened.

You speak of loneliness.

I offer companionship.

You tell of boredom.

I invite you out.

You hold old wounds.

I watch you.

You… Read full post »

….next

The baby is perfect. Love him forever.

The man is not. You were right.

When he returns don’t be afraid.

The next son will be an angel.

Then you’ll be three.

Don’t be too hard on him that joins.

He makes a great Dad

To all of… Read full post »

I took a walk through hell today

                       Fire licked my heels

                   … Read full post »

Just as I was getting out of my car, the officer exited his cruiser and walked into the coffee shop, right in front of me. He approached the counter, obviously familiar with the barista. I didn't realize anyone said “the usual?” anymore. I crossed the little shop to the refriger… Read full post »

It’s 12 o’clock in the afternoon. I have just sat down with my first cup of wine. Yes, I said cup. I am using my husbands coffee cup; the one with a broken handle that he reserves for camping.

I only put wine in the bottom quarter of the cup.… Read full post »

It’s cold. Always cold when we go. It’s wet and dreary and cold.

My hands are numb with cold for hours after.

My heart beats slow and my mind races in the cold.

I sit cold on the worn couch, in the hot room as we talk about… Read full post »

As my car climbed the hill, I took a deep, cleansing, breath. I knew where I was going. I always know where I’m going when I go there. I know my presence has little impact. Still, I hope for a different out come.

The hill is covered by homes. A… Read full post »

Nobody warns you that your heart doesn’t really break. The damn thing just sits there. It stays right in place regardless of all else. Honestly, even a “racing” heart is sitting right where it belongs. In fact, if the steady little beater would really break or race or be crushed the… Read full post »

“We’re here for a ten o’clock appointment.” I offer with distance.

You nod acknowledgement of my statement and turn to announce our arrival.

We part as if we are strangers.

But I know you.

He talks of you. He tells me things you say. The directions you… Read full post »

Here’s the deal.  Last Friday I had spent the afternoon preparing a meal for 120 guests.  I do this every Friday. 

The meal is a free meal offered to anyone who shows up to eat.  We get street people, old people, poor people, lonely people and crazy people like me… Read full post »

So much in your voice today. Your tone brings me back.

                “…and then we played basketball.”

Hope taunts my heart.

             … Read full post »

Good News

things that don’t confuse

A simple hug

one less bug

my aching heart

the old dogs fart

Proof I’m alive

 amid the mess I strive

day after day

looking for a way

to make things better

Understand the fetter

live in the moment

never want to lament

the cry of a… Read full post »

Once a week I walk away from my son.  I leave him in a theraputic home where he recieves much needed treatment for mental illness.  The weight is drastic. Dilapidating. I want to crumble under the burden. I walk away wondering how I will survive. Driving home is a vast  two h… Read full post »