SEPTEMBER 27, 2011 1:37PM

Is Barack Obama A Festering Sandwich?

Rate: 38 Flag

Unemployment is hovering stubbornly at around nine percent. Housing starts are down for the fourth month in a row. Europe is poised on the brink of a Lehman Brothers-like financial collapse.  Our political system seems broken beyond repair and Ugly America is ascendant as Tea Partiers at the Republican debates cheer death and boo serving members of our military who happen to be gay.  The Taliban recently blew up Hamid Karzai's chief peace negotiator with a bomb hidden in some dude's turban.  Ashton Kucher has replaced Charlie Sheen on Two And a Half Men

Given the gravity of these and other seemingly insoluble problems we face in these troubled times, I'm wondering: Should I eat this sandwich I found in the microwave?

 

 

I opened the microwave to reheat a cup of coffee and there it was, half a Quizno's "steakhouse beef dip."  It's almost lunch time and there's not much in the pantry but I don't want to put on decent clothes to go out and get something else, so I'm wondering - would eating this thing be dangerous?

By a rough count it's been in there about 40 hours. While it hasn't been that hot recently, it hasn't been that cool either, and I don't know what the incubation period for ptomaine is.  It wasn't that good of a sandwich when I ate the first half,  and I doubt it tastes any better after sitting around for nearly two days, but on the plus side it doesn't smell *funny* yet and is probably loaded with enough preservatives to retard the growth of microorganisms.

My dilemma in some ways resembles the one faced by progressives in next year's presidential elections.  If I don't eat the sandwich I'll have to actually go outdoors, get in my vehicle, and find something less toxic for lunch. If I do eat the sandwich, I may well wind up in the hospital with food poisoning.

So, what to do?

I'm asking my readers, both of you, is this sandwich safe to eat or is it just not worth the risk?  I would greatly appreciate your input, preferably expressed in the traditional blog comment format of "Whether that sandwich makes you violently ill or not, I support your decision and have nothing but respect for your courage.  Rated." or the inverse, "If you eat that festering steakhouse dip the consequences are yours to live with.  Making good life decisions is one of the most important skills there is, and 'til you learn to accept responsibility for your actions you'll be trapped in an endless cycle of blame and regret.  You maggot."

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This is easy. Nuke the sandwich until it's hot enough to kill most organisms and then dip it in an au jus of 3 parts drippings to 1 part bleach. Bleach is okay. You are white, after all.
That's true, Paul, I'm white as a catfish belly, and bleach is harmless, right?
Starting with the meat; is it gray yet? If not, the dyes remaining may have some nutritional value.
As to the condiments and assorted sauces etc. originally used to disguise the lack of true beef flavor, they have not likely improved, but have also not probably diminished.
Leading me to believe that your initial foray in the fast food joint in the first place was as much bravery as anyone needs to display and brag about on what used to be known as Foodie Tuesday.
You are truly remarkable and I am astounded at the wisdom in........
Eat the sandwich then liveblog the resultant diarrhea so they can put it on the cover with a blurb that reads "I Could Hear My Dead Stepmother Laughing As Revolting Vileness Issued From My Posterior."
"Ptomaine poisoning may be developed from taking into the system food that is in a state of decomposition, or it may be produced by taking wholesome food into the system in too large quantities. Ptomaine poisoning, then, may be exogenous or endogenous. The exogenous is taken in, while the endogenous is developed within. Sometimes the poison is due to errors in food combinations. This style of poisoning comes from taking into the system animal food that is undergoing putrefaction,

Sausage, blood-pudding, etc., more than other meats are inclined to create ptomaine poisoning. Imported sausage has been known to create death after lying in the bowels for one week after it had been eaten."

So according to your many 'Fans', who have each payed me a dollar($12,876!!!!) to say this....EAT THE SANDWICH!!!! :D
The bleach might disagree a bit, but it kills pretty much any microbial meanies. But the sandwich might have caused problems from a wide range of bacteria, mysterious or otherwise. At the ER, you can confidently tell them it's the bleach.
i double dog dare you- eat it
M-m-m-m-m - it's probably loaded with B. Cereus.
AKA; it's gray but I think it was gray when I bought it. Thank you so much for your support, it means the world to me that my friends here in Open are able to read my tale of shame and not judge me for it.

Drew, couldn't I just fake the diarrhea with some Hershey's syrup and a turkey baster? I'm afraid if I was sick for real I might not be able to work the video camera.

Tink, so you're saying that because it's not made of blood pudding the sandwich is less likely to kill me? I've got to confess; I took an experimental bite of the thing while OS was down a few minutes ago and so far I feel OK if slightly disgusted with myself.

Paul, you've obviously gone through the horns of this particular dilemma before. I guess if bleach is good enough to ruin my clothes every time I try getting a stain out of my jeans, it's good enough to use as a condiment.
But Julie, if I eat it does that mean I'm a member of the professional left and if so will Frank Apisa come by to give me what for?

Stacey, should I Google "B. cereus" or just let it be a surprise?

So many questions today...
nana, that's the spirit! Yeah, if it ain't blood sausage, then it's okay!! Google wouldn't lie to us, would they?

:D
Obama is a festering sore on our butts!!!

And he has promised to take me out to dinner if I donate 3 bucks!! But first, he's going to call me!! EEK!! What if I'm out trapping ferrets and killing them with my teeth so I can get an EP with the blog post??????

Should I answer?

What wine goes with fried ferret?

Chilled?

God, it's like The Happy Fucking Homemaker didn't think of this shit?

WHAT DO YOU SERVE A PRESIDENT?

A 40 hour old sandwich we found in the microwave?

IS THAT ACCEPTABLE?

WHAT IF HE DIES!!??

WILL THE SECRET SERVICE ASS RAPE ME?

I hope so.....
Is "eat the sandwich" code for "drink the Kool-Aid"? Just wondering.

Oh yes, and I do support your decision and respect your courage.

Rated
J*sus H. Chr*st, I can't believe you actually ate half of something that looks like that in the first place!

But, I also can't believe that you have created such a compelling analogy from this piece of "food".

My advice is to send the half-sandwich a campaign contribution and write it in on the 2012 presidential ballot.

(Asterisks inserted because my stupid "WebMarshal" at work won't let me write out the full name in question and let me post my comment. F*ckin' stupid.)
Eat it, then blame Obama for whatever happens afterwards.
So many questions, Tink! I found a delightful vinho verde at Trader Joe's last week for $3.99 a bottle that would go perfectly with fried ferret. Yes, it's miraculous, we've got a Trader Joe's in Kansas City now!

BR, it's either code or an analogy or one of those, watchamacallits, a semaphor.

Jeanette, I need one of those WebMarshalls right here at home to censor me when I get out of hand over at Tommy T's blog. :P

Thanks, Harry, but I think I'll eat it then give Obama a pass because after all what did we expect from him, miracles? The obstructionism (possibly bowel obstructionism) he's had to put up with from those jack-offs over at Subway is why he hasn't yet proved to be a satisfying meal.
Trader Joes??? Commie place, right? But heck for prices like that, I'll become a Satanist and a Commie!!! Bring it Joe!!!

I have so many questions, do you think Ed I Tor and Kerry and that French gal from CNN really hates us or are we just imagining it?

I mean, it has been awhile since either of us got EPed, or DVDed, or well, I had the DRTs awhile back. Wish Dr. Amy was still around, she'd know what this festering sore on my butt was.

Probably going to die tomorrow morning from the SDS in my colon!!!!

I DON'T WANNA DIE!!! I WANNA LIVE!!!

See, that there is acting, I really want to die. Stupid economy, can't even get a fuck you back from the sewage treatment plant. Mop duty.

What the hell? Is it me? Is it the garlic and fried asshole sandwiches I had last night?

WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON WITH THE WALLS?

Oh sorry, took some brown acid, found it behind the fridge while I was cleaning earlier!!

But seriously, is it a crime to fake your own death to get the life insurance?

It is?

Commie cocksuckers up in DC!!

THEY TOOK MY JOB!!!!

Welp, on my way out the door to walk up to wifey's workie......be careful, I hear they're working on the Open Servers!! EWWWW!! Open sores!!!

~wanders off with his tail in the air~
They took your job but that doesn't mean you don't have options. There are re-training programs out there which, if you qualify, would allow you to move to India to compete at the local level there for IT and other positions which have been outsourced. You'd need to develop an immunity to amoebic dysentery and a taste for food that looks like baby poop, but on the plus side you'd get to live in an apartment the size of a linen closet and would have your choice of literally thousands of gods, some of whom have cool elephant heads and six arms.
It's not that bad a sandwhich too me, looks kind of tasty actually. 40 hours though... slime test, and slow.
Toss the corporate sandwich. Buy more Greens.
The problem is not Barack Obama; the problem is the extreme right. Obama has a conscience, they do not...
Frank should be showing up soon, methinks. Wonder what he'll add to the conversation?
Don, what is the slime test? I'll try anything if it means I get to eat this sandwich.

Peter, where would I get Greens? All we've got in this neighborhood is Quizno's and Subway, except for this one vegetable stand out on the edge of town and it just seems like too much work to drive there and besides Quizno's says the next sandwich I buy will be very healthy for me...

Patrick, how do you know Obama has a conscience? Do you have any demonstrable proof of that? The problem, in additon to the extreme right, is Democrats who think blind loyalty to their party is going to save them. It won't, but not giving a free pass to those who betray their own base just might. A choice between two evils isn't a choice at all, and the sooner we realize that the better off we're going to be.

Lance, I wonder if Frank will think Obama is the rotten sandwich or that empty, hungry feeling he gets when he can't be bothered to hunt up something better to eat. Maybe he'll call me a firebagger!
there were probably so many carcinogenic preservatives in the 'beef' and whatever that freckled carb thing is that is wrapped around said 'beef' already that eating it won't kill you. so, as i said to some guy who cut me off on the freeway earlier today: eat it.

if it were chicken, i'd say you should douse it with gasoline and toss a match at it from arm's length. :)
The freckled carb thing is something they call "rosemary parmesan bread." It smells like lactose-intolerant wheat ate too much cheese then vomited on itself. As far as eating it, I couldn't make myself take more than one experiemental bite, so not long ago I went to Go Chicken Go in Kansas City, Kansas and picked up an order of gizzards with extra rolls, jalapenos, and hot sauce. Finally, a viable third party alternative!
Oh man, that sounds like the life!!! Can I pick a God with the head of Erika Estrada? That'd be awesome, and can I scream ALALALALALALALA!! while calling for Death to Americans!!?

What do you mean that's France!!?

Well, I'll move there!!!

Do they have food that looks like baby poo there as well?

SWEET!! :D
If Frank doesn't show up, can I call you a firebagger?

Kick ya in the knee and take your sandwich?

Awesome, I can't wait, I'm hungry!!!!!

FART KNOCKERS!!!!
YOU WILL EAT THE SANDWICH AND LIKE IT, OR I'LL PUT THE ANAL PLUG IN YOUR MOUTH, AND THE HOT POKER UP YOUR ASS!!!!

NOW EAT!!!!!
"Fartknockers"? It's on, ON LIKE DONKEY KONG you bee-yotch!

Yo mama so ugly, when she joined an ugly contest they said "Sorry, no professionals."

Scorch!

All Hail Vishnu-Estrada, Six-armed Lord of Bad '70s TV!

AH-lalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalala
Thank God you're here Nana-Te-Slutty! Did you bring my plunger? I've been very very bad.

PeelingAnOrange, thanks for visting my blog. I'd nuke the thing but it climbed down off the counter and is now making faces at me from behind the refrigerator. :(
careful it doesn't ooze its way over onto your socks. defenestration of your shins is then your last resort.
Hmm ... living north of the border I'm used to having at least a third option, politically speaking, that is. So, I would not recommend noshing on Quizno's Beef with Rosemary Parm whatever. However, I also know the feeling of not wanting to change the comfy clothes, put on the face I keep in a jar by the door to go shopping, therefore ...

you have a gun, right? In a rugged coeur de bois accent I ask, is there anything in them there hills that tickle your fancy?
Have your second home in the Caymans and not worry about a fucking thing. Wait that's what I do never mind give it to the dog he won't care how old it is. Just don't let it in the house for at least 24 hours after he eats it. o/e
Look, my research tells me there aint no such thing
as ptomaine poisoning!

"Contrary to popular belief, ptomaines
are not injurious to the
carnivorous or omnivorous digestive systems,
which are quite capable of reducing them to harmless substances.

Decomposed foods are often responsible for food poisoning,
however, because they may harbor
certain forms of poison-producing bacteria,
especially Clostridium botulinum.

Read more: http://www.answers.com/topic/ptomaine#ixzz1ZCIJN6bA"

That bit of sandwich has been enclosed in what I assume
is an airtight environment. One that the "heat"
often "waves" through. Where would any
weird alien bugs come from?
You're a practical man, OE, and have I ever mentioned how handsome you are? Can I come stay with you in the Caymans? Have I mentioned how handsome you are?

Scarlett, I've got squirrels here but I'm afraid steel-core 7.62 rounds might go clean through one of 'em and wind up putting someone's eye out. And squirrel tastes like shit. What is Canada's third party alternative?

Candace, it does seem drawn to my socks. I'm guessing on some molecular level it feels a bond with dirty laundry.
For the record nanatahey unemployment is over 20% in this country. This courtesy of Paul Craig Roberts latest piece: “The US government has another unemployment rate (U6) that includes workers who have been too discouraged to seek a job for six months or less. This unemployment rate is over 16 percent. Statistician John Williams (Shadowstats.com) estimates the unemployment rate when long-term discouraged workers (more than six months) are included. This rate is over 22 percent.”

As for your sandwich: my friend Dave, who used to be in charge of the food at the clubs I worked at, always made a big deal that when he was certified by the board of health to handle food it was stressed that meat cannot be left unrefrigerated for more than an hour regardless of whether you recooked it or not. On the plus side I doubt there's any actual meat in that.

And as for voting again for Obama, I will too (even though I didn’t the first time but give me a break the GOP does not even plan on running humans in the next election), but in the meantime stock up on ammo for those baby's you showed me. Wall Street will go off before they have a chance to hold another election and if Wall Street doesn’t then Washington will since it is also scheduled for occupation on October 6. And I haven't even armed myself yet, what's a man to do?
suicide is a perfectly respectable solution to life's problems, and i wish about 6 billion would choose it soon, in an organized fashion. but death by overage sandwich is never fashionable, certainly uncomfortable, and if you should live you have to hose out the bathroom. btw, why is there an ad for a commercial lady on your blog, does she work for you? or you for her?

but if yer really, really hungry...

what you should not do is vote, hungry or not.
Did you know your ad is showing an ass in jeans from Nordstrom, can we even afford Nordstrom? Really?

MONKEY FUNKSTER!!!

ALALALALALALALALALA!! BUNG HOLE, I NEED TP FOR MY BUNG HOLE!! ALALALALALALA!!!

~straps his plunger up his nose~ Queen said I could and She makes the rules!! Teeheee!!!

~wanders off~
Tell that Candace woman up there if you see her around again tonight that I won a pitcher of beer once in my college days at a tavern for being the first drun.... wordsmith, who could define "defenestration".
Also, Emmerling and I have been exchanging big words on the backline which he would attest to as not being a prevarication nor a facetious comment. If he lands.
i think al's trying to organize a gigantic jonestown thing. whoa. that's gonna take a lot of kool-aid.

wait. let me go buy some stock in whatever company makes that crap first. and don't vote, whatever you do!! no, no, don't touch that!
what ad, tink? take the plunger outta your nose, man, so you can see. there's no ad on nana's page anywhere. swear.

@aka: defenestrate is one a jeff's favorite words. me, i go for debridement. it takes a more delicate instrument. heh.
i swear to god, i did *not* click on 'Post this comment' twice. not even anywhere near it, not on the page anywhere, not after the first time.

jesus help us. nana's blog page is possessed.
For now, eat the sandwich. Then, learn how to grow and can your own food. Rated.
Really? My friend from Kentucky told me squirrel stew was tasty. Seriously. Maybe it's all in the seasoning ...

The official Third Party is the NDP: New Democratic Party.
Man, I don't know. I'm thinking you're a survivor - descendants of pioneers who ate salt pork and God only knows what out on that Kansas prarie, so yes! I say go eat that sandwich! ( Hell of a good post BTW)
Another few hours in the microwave and you could prove the theory spontaneous generation all over again...It looks like it could grow feet and walk.
Surely you’ve made a decision by now regarding that loathsome- looking object, since lunch is history. If not however, here’s my suggestion: offer it to a hungry/homeless person. If he eats it, you’ll feel good for having done something nice. If he becomes violently ill after consuming it, you’ll feel good for feeding the hungry/homeless while being secretly relieved it wasn’t you. And if he dies – well that’s just one less annoying, hungry/homeless person taking up space.
Thank you for the reseach, James, and it's hard to deny the logic that nothing dangerous could thrive inside a microwave. It has become a moot point though, as the sandwich is now humping my leg and making soft, affectionate cooing noises.

You're right, Jack; the real unemployment rate is considerably higher than the official government figures. And what's this about you being unarmed? Get thee to the bang-bang store my friend!

Al, as much as anything else it's the thought of having to hose out the restroom that made me hesitate.

Tink, you buttnugget, yo mama so ugly she looked out the window and got arrested for indecent exposure. Ziiiiing! Let's go downtown later and kick the shit out of some crippled immigrants.

Speaking of hosing out the bathroom, that one sandwich bite I had earlier, possibly combined with the gizzards and jalapenos I had afterward, is percolating ominously in my nether regions. If I'm not back in a few minutes to reply to the rest of these comments someone contact the CDC.
You could mail the sandwich to the Republican National Committee, along with a kind note explaining that you would have preferred to make a cash contribution, but half an ancient possibly ptomainous sandwich was all you could afford. Remember to deduct the cost of the sandwich as a campaign contribution.
*whispers* "Shhhhh....I see dead white people for some reason!"
I've changed my mind. Throw out the sandwich!
AKA, isn't "defenestration" what Tink does after he puts the plunger up his nose?

Candace, isn't "debridement" when someone's new wife runs off with the cabana boy shortly after the honeymoon?

Profkeck, that is actually good advice. Thank you.

Scarlett, how new exactly is the New Democrat Party? And yes, I've often heard if squirrel is prepared properly it's delicious. I've only had it pan-fried, never in a stew, so that might be the problem.

Dustbowldiva, it's awesome to see you, one of my longest-time OS friends! Salt pork is good actually, though, as one might suspect, it's pretty salty. Saltpork, beans, and coffee, that's what they ate out on the prairie back in the day, and when not eating they spent their time trying to figure out who's gas was the smelliest. That's a detail they ignore in most Western movies, with the notable exception of "Blazing Saddles."

Linnnnnnn, it's like Darwin's Theory was being played out right in my microwave. One time I left a chicken carcass in there for about a week and when I finally "discovered" it, the entire thing was covered in a rich, green-purple fuzz about 2 inches thick. You should have heard the noises my gag reflex was making as I hustled out back to throw the cadaver into the neighbor's yard behind his forsythia bushes.

Marjie, you should come along later when Tink and I go downtown to abuse some homeless people. They hang around outside the methadone clinic and are easier to catch than a baby harp seal.

Greenheron, as hideous as it was, that sandwich is better than the RNC deserves. I might mail them a box of sloth poop and that's about it. I saw a sloth taking a dump once on the Discovery Channel and it was fouler than I have the words to describe.
Zuma!!! Don't make any sudden moves, that seems to enrage it. And Prof, it's too late for me but you can still save yourself. Flee, flee as if the devil in sandwich form has come to Open Salon!
well, where the hell is Frank Apisa? (Maybe he's doing you a favor by staying away and keeping Mark at bay as well.)

I think if eating that made you think of Michelle Deep Throat Bachman, then that's enough to throw it away. Make some rice, most people have rice, I'm sure you do too, eat the rice and then go out tomorrow.

Now if you were here you could have been treated to my homemade red beans and rice with andouille.

No, I'm not saying abandon BO, he's still better than any of the asshat ignorant haters on the other side--will that do for an ersatz Frank?
Any cat food around? Might be safer.
This post has disturbed me greatly and I finally put my finger on why it has bothered me so. Is it the lamentable state of domestic and world affairs you've noted? Or maybe man's inhumanity to man, a virus of hate that indiscriminately infects so many and knows no boundaries? Or perhaps it's the notion that anyone would even consider eating that grotesque parody of a sandwich.

Nope, all that stuff just rolls off my back.

What bothers me is that you misspelled Ashton's last name. It's KUTCHER, not "Kucher." You manage to get "Obama," "Karzai" and "Quizno" right but not the name of the most important person in the whole post.

You've lost all credibility as far as I'm concerned.
First you must remember all the reasons you bought the sandwich in the first place. Also, be more realistic, just because it wasn't that good to begin with doesn't mean you should expect more. You need to lower your expectations.

Next you must look at all the other food around and realize all the food in the world is potentially deadly. You could open a fresh can of green beans, feed it to friends and all be dead by morning. Better safe than sorry, how bad can this sandwich really be?

Then you have to take into account that you've already invested money as well as a huge chunk of time blogging about this sandwich. You were so hopeful, hell, you're devoted to it now.

Finally, you should invite some friends over and convince them that this sandwich is still great. If you don't eat this sandwich, you'll probably have to eat week old scallops because there's no other food anywhere! Then you can all joyfully share it.

Really, I don't know why you worry your pretty little head about such weighty matters. Bon appetit!
I agree, Sheila. Sadly, I need to get down to Petsmart to buy food for the kitties; it's worth noting that even in their famished state they wouldn't touch that sandwich.

Barry, why you gotta be lording red beans and rice with andouille over me? :( Thank you for standing in for Frank, but you didn't deliver it with his jack-in-the box verve, and to truly achieve the Apisa Effect you'd need to go on for about 700 words. :P

Marjie, I was using the Mid-Atlantic Dialectical Zone colloquial spelling. Kpffft!

Bleue, thank you for the counselling; that's advice which all of us firebaggers would do well to heed. Thank you also for your remark about my head - it's been called "freakishly large" and "sort of fuzzy" before but never has anyone said it was pretty.
Have you not been back here responding to all these faboo comments because you're having another of those bad-clam experiences in the loo? Should we send over a gastroenterologist tout de suite?
Whoops, spoke to soon. You were busy composing.

I've always said it was pretty fuzzy. Isn't that ...
Candace was right about the mega Jonestown pitch. It has no place though in a civil discussion such as this. heh-heh...civil. Inside joke.

bbd has come out swinging and to the best of my knowledge shown a seldom seen side. Plus he made some good points quickly.

Margaret F. was pretty much on point in regard to Ashton, known mostly now for filling abandoned slots of other celebrities.

oops..sorry this is your job nanatehay, tryin' to help while you digest the Quiznobeef.
Off to consume some enchiladas. Tip: made them today.
Appreciate your curiousity on our political parties. Lest your well-humoured blog become a dissertation on Cdn. politics, just a quick overview.

The NDP became official in '61 (a good year by the way) though its roots go further back especially in Prairie provinces where they grow the country's Beef. The party evolved in part from the the Co-operative Commonwealth Federation also known as the CCF or the - Canadian Cow Fuckers - depending on where you're from. We also have a Rhinocerous Party, I was a card carrying member. :)
Well, I'm late to this discussion and I see you chickened out on the sandwich. I was going to suggest that you eat it as an oracle for your fellow American OSers who are wondering what to do what to do in the coming election - if you live, tho debilitated, they should vote for O. If you die, then they should vote for the R, whoever (or whatever - as Jack says, the Rs aren't even running a human this time)...and then WE'LL _ALL_ DIE! Or at least we'll have learned about the cycle of life&death and will feel so much more *alive*, too bad about your corpse, only a little fuzzy-headed, not a proper pelt. Tho from your avatar photo, your ears seem to be well-formed. That's important.

That third rail, er, choice that we Canadians have is, as Scarlett told you, the New Democrats ... which is a *socialist* party (sort of). You guys don't have one of those, at least likely to run, so your third choice would be maybe Libertarian Paul...which might correspond to going out and shooting your own damn squirrel and frying it up, no depending on anybody to make you ready-made sandwiches, or even gizzards.

Better yet, set up your own trapline and you'll never be hungry or naked again. Of course, in your rather urban area, you might catch a lot of raccoons, but they're probably tasty. And neighborhood cats (chow mein!).

Well, so much for sandwich roulette.
Candace, the pathos of that sandwich decomposing even as I sit here composing is almost too much to stand. On a less somber note, the decomposition hasn't slowed it down much - it's looking at me right now from a perch on the entertainment center.

Et tu, AKA? First it was Barry with his homemade red beans and now you with the fresh enchiladas. Am I the only one around here with a strong enough connection to the foodchain and true ecological values to eat stuff that's been laying around for a couple days?

Scarlett, that was more knowledge about the inner workings of Canadian politics than I've gained in the entire four-going-on-five decades of my existence. Please don't ever do that again. ;-)

Myriad, a vote for Ron Paul is a vote for, among other things, legal prostitution, legal cocaine, and the nearly complete dismantling of government and what remains of civil society. What's not to like?
And yes, I have finely formed ears - I just hope my death will be clean and will help my murderer to commune with the godhead.
I don’t know what you’re going through all this “will I - won’t I” nonsense for. You already took a bite. You’re not dead. You know, and I know, and most of these other folks know - YOU’RE GOING TO EAT IT!!

By the way, I like squirrel stew just fine. Your remark about squirrel tasting like shit had me wondering about your comparison taste test.... sheesh! You DO put some strange things in your mouth, don’t ya boy?

.
Ok, it's late, I've had a medical procedure done and lots of drugs poured into my system. This is the best I could come up with. Take a small section of the sandwich and cut infinitesimally thin slices from it. Place the slices on glass slides. Stain the samples so as to highlight microorganisms. Place a thin glass cover on each slide. Place the slides in a microscope one at a time and focus. Examine the samples for wiggly critters. While working, munch on the rest of the sandwich. If you feel ok in half an hour, the sandwich was not bad. No, don't. I love you too much.
Nana,
I can only suppose that you were never a Boy Scout or took any survival courses, or even read a book on such matters.

Test it for gobble-worthiness the same way you do for things in the bush or wherever you are when you get lost and hungry.
Tape or tie some on the underside of your wrist in contact with your tender skin. If the skin turns red in the next 20 minutes - forget about eating it. No redness it’s probably safe.

NOTE: The operative word is “probably”......

.
You could read the OS trapping article and trap and skin animals while reverently inhaling their scent...
actually I don't think she eats them, just kills them. sorry.
it looks like you have plenty of suggestions, just wanted to say hi.
Hi Rita! :D I read the trapper woman's stuff and found it rather weird. I learned how to shoot and to hunt when I was still a kid, hunted for most of my life in fact. I no longer do so, but it's not because I'm anti-hunting. I am, however, against killing things to fulfill some freaky, serial-killer-in-the-making compulsion to get close to death. Death is all around us, it's part of the way things are, but to obsess on ending the lives of animals is at best unhealthy and at worst a form of sadism.

Sky, I was a Boy Scout but I never heard that one. No redness means yummy, redness means don't ingest - check. I need to find that sandwich, it's still scuttling around here somewhere...

Sirenita! I like your empirical approach to this. I've always believed that without science we're doomed to eat stuff that may give us explosive diarrhea and even sometimes to become fundamentalists and join some hideous mega-church which doesn't believe in global warming or even dancing. No dancing??? The blind fools!
"On a less somber note, the decomposition hasn't slowed it down much - it's looking at me right now from a perch on the entertainment center."

Are we going to be seeing you on an episode of "Hoarders"? (God, I hope so.)
Defenestrate that sandwich & listen to my new BFF :

http://youtu.be/VXdpWni7L1M

Honest opinion, please !
Julie you might notice a slight flick of the eyebrow a little way in, & at the end how she walks straight toward the mixing desk - there was definitely a fuzz on the mike ( not that I minded much ;-) - & the guitar is superb, isn't it ?
her voice is gorgeous. I am so tired of listening to screechy sopranos, especially since trying to go about an octave above your capable range seems to be in vogue :p
now I can't sing myself, but uh, that's why I don't. Leastwise not in public.
Get off your ass and go to Pardo's mexican buffet, where the food is so fresh it stares back ats you. End of debate! Viva los Pardo's!
I know I'm an asshole, but you could at least read my posts once in awhile. rated..........
skypixeo hassome good advise. Now what will you do my blue eyed son?
"Let's go downtown later and kick the shit out of some crippled immigrants. "

Sounds like a fun Thursday afternoon outing!! I'm there dude!!

:D

Can we also choke them till they die, and then enhale their scent till we go, "Wooooohoooo!" and then blog about it?

I think that'd be nice. Take pictures too. A blog such as that needs pictures!! Lots of them, so we'll have to kill a lot.

Also, could we add "used cars sales men" and "overweight fudge packers" and possibly, "I'm running for Senator, I'd like your vote.." to the list, especially that last ones, god they get on my nerves!!

DIE SENATOR WANNABE!! DIE! DIE!! FASTER PUSSY CAT, FASTER!!

Sorry, I meant to say, KILLING IS BAD, DON'T DO DRUGS!!! ~nodding~
Tink says: "Can we also choke them till they die, and then enhale their scent till we go, "Wooooohoooo!" and then blog about it?"

Of course we can. What's the point of abusing crippled immigrants if you can't choke them out afterward then blog about it? Always remember, nothing is real 'til you've posted it online.

Johnny! When are we going back to Pardo's to eat? I've never had beaver-tail (or whatever it was) that delicious in my life.

Kim, thanks for sharing that, and I'm right now downloading Tanita's discography from Pirate's Bay. That performance was amazing, and all the more so because it didn't involve her dressing up like a prostitute and leaping around the stage. Wow.

Jeanette, I've long aspired to be on "Hoarders" but so far no luck. I think I'll send them a video of the stuff in my basement; if that doesn't get me on I may have to start storing roadkilled animals in my living room.
Well seems u aint dead from bacterial colonization of colon & gut.
“Darwin's Theory was being played out right in my microwave.”

I did the same thing, left a chemically rich mixture in a microwave safe bowl,
Got a damn biped.
In only 3 days.
This biped is standing over me, now, serving me cold meds.
Boo hoo, bye bye Dawkins/Darwin, et al.

Proof of god.

Biped needs education now. Gotta sit him down in front of the tv. Later.
A BIPED? See, that's why it's safest to stay with intelligent design - Yahweh would never allow a biped to spring out of a forgotten bowl of Ramen noodles. Secular humanism will be the death of us all.
An even dusting of shellac or polyurethane on that sandwich and we can keep it just as it is, forever. It can be our guiding sandwich. This constant changing of sandwiches just confuses people. They're not always switching sandwiches around in Cuba, are they? Cuba knows cuisine, staying with the comfort of the familiar.

Proposed: one sandwich indigestible, with pepperoni and salad dressing for all.
You're right, Icarus. The Cubans are a simple people, full of black beans and a love for dancing.
"Always remember, nothing is real 'til you've posted it online. "

The hell you say!

The Internet finally makes sense!!!

God fuckin' love the Internet!!!!