December 03
Peace has been said to be indivisible; so is freedom...


APRIL 17, 2012 2:34PM

Jamming:Fallen Ill, Come Home, Found a House, Lost a Job

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thats the balcony view of the new house I found bef I left Lucknow, the one in which I might have stayed at, had I still worked there


view from the bedroom in the new house that I might now never stay at but wd have been pleased to stay at


this is the view out of the only window I had at the old house, this is what I suffered for three months until one day I had to call the police in the end, for four young men made it a habit to sit on this bike till late at night, watching me through that window and I never could open the curtain to my roomand had felt I would die of suffocation. that woman used to abuse me all day and two of the 20 somethings that sat watching thru my window are her sons, they live upstairs, had a huge terrace and a balcony of their own but they had made the front of my window their permanent perch. Her sons are the people that broke the lens of the peephole I had installed at the door to be safe at night,


approach to the old house, you can see it is a bustee


approach to the new house, pic taken on the day I left for home this time


the auditorium ofthe law school I had the good fortune to take a few sessions at - it was located right at the end of the approach to the old house


and this is how the ghetto people treat the auditorium front of a national univ


I am ill, I fell ill and had to come home for treatment and tests, doc suspects latent jaundice; I think it s gastrities bec I skip meals.Had to sincce the office canteen closed down a couple of months ago

Did find a good house, but lost my job, for he took away my book.

So, if and when I do return I would never stay to enjoy the view or the eyespace, but bear memories of the place where I might have been had things been normal for single women in this country and people gave you the roght to be offended about things that would offend anyone tht is normal and expects a decent life, but here in India they think I was "troublemaking" when I protested about the way they encroached upon my space and privacy over there at the old house.

That's the way life has always been with me, I fix one problem, another one crops up and I am never allowed respite or stability. so that is why am now winding up and that is why I am giving up. I never had a chance, I shall never have a chance no matter how much I try or what I do. What matters in this country is who is with you and who you know, and not who you strive to be or grew up to be. 


I shall collect my stuff and return. Will I look for another job? No. Am tired. It would always be like this no matter where I go, I realise that now. It is either some basic flaw in me, or it is something out there that I haven't the resource to deal with.

I am content that I completed six books in the seven months I have been here. I learned a good deal. I have worked hard and well.I shd have liked to have retired from this job, but then, we plan, propose, but someone up there disposes....If He has a plan for me though, am not sure I get it. I prayed for fortitude, to be well soon, so as not to be too much work for my old mother.


On the 13th, I reached my destination at about 1700 hours as the train was delayed by 2 hours, had to stay over at the neighbours bec mother said she was at bro's and couldnt send the keys until sunday. We listened to my father's favpurite songs until I fell asleep. That is how I spent the day of his death anniversary this year.  No ceremony, no prayers, just that. That is my neighbour in the picture, we grew up together. She was happy to have me and cooked me a meal fit for a sick queen :) and I could keep the food down, surprisingly, I hadnt thrown up that night, and havent since then....

This one father liked and could listen to over and over again





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“I prayed for fortitude, to be well soon so as not to be too much work for my old mother.”
To whom did you pray, if I may ask. I need to pray to Some One, some Thing, too,
for my own life, though on the surface
secure & stable
(after decades of instability & immense pain & pain unto my parents & sisters)
Is dwindling down to solitude, and books, and the computer, and the tv.
To have one’s privacy invaded is a hard thing to bear. It will crush you, make you small, make you a victim. Helplessness and passivity will happen…

To have read 6 books is a most noble achievement. I am currently having trouble reading.

The glorious difference you have made in MY meager life may give you some comfort?

Oh we Americans are so damn optimistic. Practical. Pragmatic. ETC.

I am not immune to this American quality. I say, with all the exuberance I can muster, that Nabina shall rise again, after a short rest.

There is no shame in rest. Safety. Security. It is restorative.

Gotta believe this : even when smashed into a tiny ball with no momentum:

 To Mercy, Pity, Peace, and Love
All pray in their distress;
And to these virtues of delight
Return their thankfulness.

 For Mercy has a human heart,
Pity, a human face,
And Love, the human form divine,
And Peace, the human dress.
 The Divine Image (William blake)
That picture of the litter across from the auditorium speaks volumes, like those of isolated mansions perched amid the rubble in Iraq. More and more of the world is being hollowed out. There are the rich, and the poor, and fewer and fewer people between those extremes. The 'masters of the universe' prefer it that way, because it gives them the illusion that they are in control, but it is not a sustainable situation. And even this does not bother them, because they have theirs today, and nobody else is of any concern to them.

You are not alone, though. More and more of us are being labeled 'troublemakers'. The social contract on which at least some governments were allegedly founded has been trampled by the very people who have benefited from it -- those who have become rich and powerful.

A long time ago, my wife and her sister put this poem to music.
"We Are the Music-Makers"
by Arthur William Edgar O'Shaughnessy

We are the music-makers,
And we are the dreamers of dreams,
Wandering by lone sea-breakers,
And sitting by desolate streams.
World-losers and world-forsakers,
Upon whom the pale moon gleams;
Yet we are the movers and shakers,
Of the world forever, it seems.

With wonderful deathless ditties
We build up the world's great cities,
And out of a fabulous story
We fashion an empire's glory:
One man with a dream, at pleasure,
Shall go forth and conquer a crown;
And three with a new song's measure
Can trample an empire down.

We, in the ages lying
In the buried past of the earth,
Built Nineveh with our sighing,
And Babel itself with our mirth;
And o'erthrew them with prophesying
To the old of the new world's worth;
For each age is a dream that is dying,
Or one that is coming to birth.

That's us he's talking about.
You are a fine human being; you should be proud. R
I am so sorry for your problems. Life can just be too much sometimes. I will pray that things will somehow improve.
I have been in that place where you are. I am not there now. I do not know, and cannot tell you, how I came from there to here. It was, I think, a long travelled road made of many small decisions, goals established, failures, successes, compromises.

I learned not to look for answers within. If they were within, I'd have found them long ago. I learned not to look to gods for answers for if gods can allow us to be in these conditions, they have no sympathy for mankind.

I think the answers come as we age and learn and come to know the right questions to ask; for we cannot get the right answers if we are asking the wrong questions.

Seek not wisdom. Wisdom comes only with experience and knowledge.

Seek not happiness. Happiness is fleeting and dependent on others who may fail you. Seek instead the contentment that comes of peace of mind.

Be you at all times. Fret not about loving yourself. Just create the kind of you that you can respect. A you that you respect will be respected by others.

In its time all will be well. It has its own time - you cannot rush it, merely await it.

Good luck to you in your journey.........
Sky? But they don't want me to be me. Everyone says - albeit, in their own fashion - am all wrong, and the condition to live is that I change me and be something they can like and find "fitting". So then what do I do?

Inside the little voice says, "success is to stay you, be the you you wanted to be". Life force says "change" but it doesnt tell me what about me I shd change. No one makes my life easy by telling me exactly what about me shd change. Is it the way I speak, dress, think or is it my expectations of life? But my expectations of life is very very basic, clean spaces, tidiness, truth, sincerity, running water, a good bathroom with at least enough space to spread my arms wide and stand straight in, and it has to be clean, with running water, and entrance that doesnt pass through someone else's space, I need freedom of movement, I need to have a normal life, be able to choose who I be friends with, and if I choose to be with men, that shd be my prerogative and no one shd try to tell me that I shdnt and deny me a good house bec I have male friends. And I shd like a loan so I can take that course in BC this September and I want this job here not bec they pay me exceptionally well (in fact I make less than what I would make at school) but bec I felt safe here, and it is possible to love the people that run the place. You cant say that of every place. People are so imp and it is necessary that are able to like the people you work for, then problems are so much easier to handle and one is happy at work. And I love what I do here, all the stages of it, thats important too.

As you can see there aren't children, diamonds, designer Porsche, Bose surround sound music systems or a hundred square yards of land on the moon that is on my list to be happy. I am not even asking for "that one man that would love me till death do us part". Not even my own home. Just the bare minimum. That I work hard for. If I can't have that bare minimum, who am I then and what do I make all the silly effort for? Why the bloody hell shd I?

If all it takes to have all that is ti change me, I bloody will only if they tell me what to change and I certainly would find a way to get that little voice to accept that somehow. It listens to me and I could make up a nice story that it could and would accept. It might not but then again it might.

James Nabina thinks it is weed like to keep rising again and again and that good plants die timely deaths and that is graceful. It is inelegant to have to rise again and again. There's something ugly and obtuse and stupid about that.

That also makes me think this thought, about my Director, a good gardener makes an effort to keep the weed away from the base of the newly planted sapling, so that it isnt overpowered by the weeds and is pushed to an untimely death. A good gardener allows the sapling time to take root, nurtures it through the first storms, the first frostbites, bad weather - provides unconditional care - until it has taken roots and can weather bad things on its own. But then they only do it for good quality and desirable plants. I guess they let the mistakes be eaten up by the weeds and they allow the unwanted plants to die.

"prophesying to the old of the new world's worth"
I used to think that is what I was sent out to do in the world but I was wrong, Orin. I am a program thats become dysfunctional. someone shd now destroy it or rewrite it. I dont want the program living a "fixed life".

Thoth? I want to believe you but it is just that from what I see from where I am it seems that that might not be true. But you made me want to come in and write the reply wh really means, that I wanted to take time to think about it once more, and you wd be happy to know I did write a mail to my friend with the updates wh he deserves I think, and then as you can see am thinking through - this process of replying to your comments. If I were good I would have said thank you to you. I dont want to right now bec it seems trite and made up to do so in this state that I am in.

Kathy? Hindus believe in dharma, to not comply with dharma is sin, you are more Hindu than we are here in India. If they only allowed me to be the Hindu I was born to be I would have been hopeful and happy enough but as it is they wont let me be. Bec they got all mixed up. They are neither here nor there and it is stressful living in the midst of chaos. I want to be able to choose to quit for am tired. You all came together - is it your will or do you think you were directed by some force greater than you are? I wish I could read the signs. I wish I knew positively what life is trying to tell me. My mind has stopped functioning. I cannot "see" anymore these days. I draw a blank when I try to do the figuring out. Maybe am dead already?
Of course you "draw a blank when you try to read the signs." There are no signs to read! There is nothing to make signs. If there were something that could make "signs", why on earth would it?!! Anything that powerful would have no need of "signs" that depend on you to understand their meaning. It would communicate openly and directly and CLEARLY with you.

You make your life sooooo complicated with all this nonsense of "signs" and "meaning". Your life has whatever meaning YOU give to it. You have no great "purpose". Not unless YOU create a Great Purpose for yourself, anyway.

You are one person out of 6 billion+ people alive at this moment. Almost all have most of the same desires you've expressed. Only a small percentage of people ever get those things. There is no need to "change" yourself to meet some other being's expectations of you in order for you to get what you want.

I am not a christian but there is an old christian adage that fits here; "Count your blessings." You have such a good mind! A fine blessing is that. You have a certain education - another blessing. You have life! A great blessing is that. You have youth - another blessing. You have many blessings, I'm sure.

If you were to make a list of all your blessings and another list of all that you still desire, I'm sure that the list of what you already have would be much longer than the list of what you still want to have.
Do you know how to build the highest, widest wall in the world?

One brick at a time. That's it. That's all it takes. Now just settle down and decide which of the things you want will be your first project. Make your plans as to how to obtain it and get to work on it. Once you have that, then go on to the next thing. Trying to build a wall "all in one chunk" doesn't work. Trying to get all that you want all at one time doesn't work. One item at a time - one brick at a time.

And RELAX!! You are all tensed up and tight as a drum over these little things that bother you. Remember that you are only one tiny little grain of sand on a very large beach. The universe is not concerned about you at all. It doesn't "love" you but it doesn't
hate" you either. It is NOT watching you or thwarting you or hindering you in any way. It is ignoring you. You, and ONLY you will make of your life whatever it will be. Nothing else cares. Nothing else will help you. But nothing else will hold you back either. Your life is in your hands - no others.

Look into your mirror. That is you. That is the only you in the whole entire universe. That is the only you that ever was or will be. Isn't that wonderful?!

I cannot tell you how to be you. No one can except you. Others will ALWAYS try to change you to suit their ideas of who you ought to be. To hell with them. You MUST be who YOU want to be. Remember that "who you want to be" is subject to change as you grow and learn and experience life. Take it easy. Relax. Don't rush yourself into anything. One step at a time. Let the flow of your life sustain you.

Do not "use" others an let no others "use" you. Own yourself.

Journey safely.........Sky
The Voice of Reason in the Sky - "only one tiny little grain of sand on a very large beach. The universe is not concerned" :)
I have to add my support to what Sky said.

Like you, I have spent my life trying to fit everyone else's idea of what I should be. I was told I needed to do that in order to be loved and accepted. But all I did was get frustrated and fail, at least in my own eyes. These past 10 years I have finally gotten counseling and am learning to slow down and accept me. Now that I'm approaching 50, this November, I am sad at all of the time I have wasted but am learning how to live in spite of my regrets.

Your journey, believe it or not, is inspiring. You face down situations that lesser mortals would have quailed at. I see a strong woman, when I read your words, and wish you success in your future.
Phyllis? a hug to you, you made me think "Idont have sister, I miss not having a sister, she spoke like a sister" thank you