On several occasions in the not-too-distant past, I visited a local abortion clinic to pee in a cup. It was always in the wake of an artificial insemination, and I was desperate to be pregnant. There I sat in the waiting room with a bevy of young women, most of them… Read full post »

Reminder: The questions posed in this occasional column are written by actual people.

Dear Savvy Sister,

I have huge insecurities, normal ones, you know, about my body, looks….blah…blah…blah.

Anyways, I have a wonderful boyfriend. Our relationship didn’t start off on the best… Read full post »

My parents came to visit. They had a lot to say.

“Do the kids brush their teeth?”

“Are they up-to-date on all of their shots?”

“When’s the last time (the Tyrant) brushed her hair?”

“All the children need to play organized sports.”

“You&#8217… Read full post »

Reminder: the questions posed in this occasional column are written by actual people. 

Dear Savy English Teacher Sister,

Concerning the usage of Yea! and Yeah…Am I correct to write “Yea!!! It’s a GNO!!!” and “Yeah, I’ll meet you at 6 a.m. for a long run.” (T… Read full post »

Whew, boy, what a Friday afternoon we had. The Diva went for a playdate at a waterfront mansion and was all, Why can’t we live here? They are so lucky! I love mansions. Is this a mansion? and I was all, They have a septic tank, honey, so they have to… Read full post »

Reminder: The questions posed in this occasional column are written by actual people. 

Dear Savvy Sister,

Please help me with my sick, sick joke of an early-twenties love life. I am a smart, clean, educated, reasonably attractive woman with a dog. 

Sincerely,

Lone Sharkette

Dear Lone Sharke… Read full post »

Great Balls of Dog Hair, this blog is so much work. Really. Like right now, at 6:37 am on a Saturday morning, all I want to do is scroll through Facebook and read about how John Travolta is gay, and I’m stuck here with a blank screen trying to come up… Read full post »

What? Oh, hi! I didn’t see you there waiting. I’ve been busy looking for ways to upend my life. Because that’s what I do when I’m nervous. I’ve got some Guillot in me – Guillot was my grandmother’s name – and thus am a direct descendent of the Nerveenas… Read full post »

For the past year or so, we’ve limited Teddy’s access to the outside world. Frankly, we’d become weary of his/her constant wandering, and the exhausting ritual of finding him/her before bedtime. The Tyrant has no ability to keep track of her dearest belonging. Us: Did you bring Tedd… Read full post »

On the way home from Cape Cod, we stopped to visit friends in the Garden State, so I pushed my boobs, like, way up high and we went to the Jersey Shore. AND I SAW SNOOKI! Not really. But all those people look alike, you know?

After two days in Joisey,… Read full post »

You can take the boy on vacation, but the Attachment Disorder comes along for the ride. He has generally been in great spirits – happy and loving and compliant. Still, every couple of days, the enormity of his circumstances bubbles up and overflows – the lack of routine, the new people,… Read full post »

Well, I am sorry to report that things are not going nearly as badly as expected. Currently, I am one with the earth, communing with nature, complete with pond-swimming, organic vegetables, and baby swallows nesting in a chicken coop. We are so content, in fact, that when I mention (again and… Read full post »

For your information: young children dosed with melatonin will sleep uncomfortably in a traveling van for right at about 5.5 hours. Cool, yeah?

Yes, indeedy. Until that sixth hour, at which point it may or may not be 3 am, and may or may not be time to fuel up the… Read full post »

“This is the most ill-conceived vacation plan you’ve ever had,†said BFF.

“What?†I said. “Shut up.â€

Because when you’ve been friends with a girl for 17 years, you can talk to her like that.

“Seriously. You cannot do this,†she said.

“Seriously. Just shut up.â€

“You’re goin… Read full post »

When I was a child, I thought grown-ups didn’t really sleep – that they just rested in bed with their eyes closed. My evidence was the fact that when I approached my mom in the middle of the night, all I had to do was whisper her name and she’d be… Read full post »

REMINDER: The questions posed in this occasional column are written by actual people.

Dear Savvy Sister,

I feel marginalized and I think everyone kind of does no matter what … or maybe not if you have a serious personality disorder. Discussion: perfectionism, defeatism, and possible solu… Read full post »

Dr. Dee has suggested we have a home visit from a therapist to determine how we’re ruining possibly improperly handling the Pterodactyl’s tantrums. Okay, that’s fine. We have nothing to hide. Except, you know, the abundance of scissors, glue sticks, and gummi worms. Also, dog hair.… Read full post »

As I’ve advised before, if you are uncomfortable with gay marriage, I would strongly urge you to avoid marrying a gay person. That would be a relationship destined for failure.

Set  your sights on someone else, preferably an enlightened person who can teach you to think more clearly. Because c… Read full post »

In high school, I dated a really nice guy with a big nose whose deodorant smell was overpowering. I went out with him because nobody else was asking me out. One summer, when I was 16, we went to The Boot, a famous local bar near the campus of Tulane University… Read full post »

We came home from The Cruise to an immaculate house. But my children descend on a space like a tropical storm. So by yesterday I was picking up branches and mopping up water. Seriously, they do the same kind of damage.

As I straightened the kitchen, I started washing a measuring… Read full post »

Royal Caribbean’s Allure of the Seas is the largest cruise ship in the world. It uses a gallon of fuel to travel 44 feet, which is appalling, but oddly familiar, since while on board I needed a good swig of mojito to walk up a single flight of stairs. Fortunately, acquiring… Read full post »

My trainer Son of Sam is out of town on a much-needed vacation. I knew it was much-needed because last week he made me do 1-minute sets of 180-degree squat jumps followed by double suicide sprints across the gym. I only threw up a little bit. “Take your time,” he said.… Read full post »

I left this nest for barely 48 hours.

When I returned, one remote control was broken, one was missing, the Pterodactyl was finishing off a 600-calorie bag of sour gummy worms, the Diva was sitting on the couch with a 1-lb bag of M&Ms, the children’s bathrooms had no toilet paper,… Read full post »

My great Aunt Sophie tormented me endlessly about where I was born. She also called me fatty, but that’s another story.

Aunt Sophie questioned my Southern heritage, and whether I was loyal to my New Orleans roots. She called me a……a Yankee.

It mortified me. Even more frustrating wa… Read full post »

Oh, poor underdeveloped, overrated Tropical Storm Beryl. Worry not, for judging by the amount of damage inflicted in my home, you had the strength of a hurricane.

Furniture upended, strips of paper strewn about, Sharpie streaks on the counter, every clean sheet unfolded, Dorito chips in the bathroom.… Read full post »