This doesn't read at all like an ad.
It reads like satire to me. Maybe even allegory.
One could occlude the image of a "masturphone" and
admit that these devices we carry today are already approaching
the phantasmagorphic level of the spoof. I mean, erotic stuff is
in the electromagnetisphere even as we politely giggle.

Bananas are for primates..

church leaders, i mean...

church of coexistent mediocrity city in the badlands.

I understand Version 2.oh, oh, oh, oooooh! comes with a built in razor so users can shave their palms.

Btw, the chap that states he can't stop playing with it looks a lot like our President. This explains the state of the Union.

R

O Monsieur, so glad they added that feature called Lingus-Engineering, and also thrilled that the Mastrrphone is so large, that just makes it so much more accessible to those who hands and bodies cannot use tiny buttons. Everything about it is appealing; everything is going to be swell, nowhere do I get that happy feeling. You know the jingle. Could add to the adverts.

My only worry is that if tied into Master Card what will all those with amex, what will we do. A winner. A simply great idea, long overdue. RATED big time, MC. PS I like that it's been around for two centuries or so for we who are over 120 years, very important. A great history it has, I'm throwing out my cell, wanted to anyway.

I knew it, if Derek Jeter and all those anarchist rock bands could sell out and now sell cars how long would it be before the Monsieur tried to sell me something? I must say at least your product looks interesting. I must have one. You neglected to give the names of the distributers of Masturphone. Please do not ask me to send you the money as I already know that Joan still has not received her painting.

Mr and Mrs.Bates and their son Master Bates
would like to buy 3.
Is payPal acceptable.

"Yes FRed(tm) they will get VERY MESSY phones."

I Love my new Masturphone™ from iBanana™. It's rather small, but it stays up a long time, and my wife loves that as well.
User Testimonial

Customer Complaint - I am constantly rushing my wife to the emergency room to have your Masturphones removed from her private parts.

Oh! It will render me speechless so it's perfect. Rated for the interesting photo of the big mustache.

Ah Man! I mean, thank you good sir!!

"The new Masturphone™ from iBanana™
helps me to stay focused on what's important.
Me!"

Dying here in the land of Toto!!

I’m tempted. That sultry vamp poking the buttons almost had me sold, but lacking any endorsement from secret chimp, Lancelot Link, makes it a difficult choice.

Everything must be smooth like a rhapsody
As you paint your masturpiece

Won't it be grand, to order Chinese Take-Away, without ever taking my hands off my Masturbaphone™. I'll be calling you-ooo-oooh-oo-oo-oooh!

This post has me twittering all over!

An absolutely tittilating post. I want my M - masturphone.

Well this looks like it could give The Rabbit a run for its money. Too bad Oprah didn't know about this. It seems like Monsieur Chariot may be having a little more than too much time on his hands :)

So very clever Monsieur! I will never look at an over-sized cell phone the same way again!!! Hahaha!
R

Social commentary for the time, indeed!

I...I...I...must confess to having extensively used one of the prototypes, whereupon I was offered a lucrative gratuity for my testimonial. And then...and then...out came the reports of hair growing on the palms of some users. That did it for me. It was fun while it lasted, but... - Poorer but less hirsute

When this hits the shelves of Wally's World,
pandemonium will ensue due to
shortages that will make Cabbage Kids
Look like fond melodies

You have out-did yourself Monsieur!!

So many features you'll have to grow an extra finger.

6 finger, 6 finger, man alive! How'd I ever get along with five?

Here's hoping your Masturphone becomes as big as... the Hoola-Hoop! Well, maybe a Frisbee anyway.

Great invention! With this clever device the user can easily convert wrong numbers into an "experience."

Sold! And Rated.

The masturphone, I am sorry to report, has been banned by the Pope. Nun are available on the website any longer.

Mine shriveled up once I was finished using it.

As delightfully naughty this iphallus appears to be, my beloved Princess phone is even naughtier. And without batteries, I can use it as long as I want, even when the power goes out.

If it were solar-powered, it would be perfect.

Monsieur, I think this might be your all-time personal best. I said it just to encourage you next time to top it. Fantastique ( which autocorrect suggested should be Fantasyland. Snerk

Does it do three-way conferencing?

Snippy! Bad dog!

Took forever for the photos to load (ehem), but well worth the effort. Tell me, is there a smaller version made in China? My colleagues are looking over my shoulder and giggling ; D

Monsieur, you omitted the fine print about how it recedes like a frightened turtle if submerged in water. Otherwise I'd take two; home and office versions.

My iMac just gurgled, quivered, went a peculiar multiplicity of colours, and died........

ᴼᴥƪ
.

You did say, waterproof, right?
Why, Mon Chariot! I'll take mine in white!

Do they make them for two?

My dear Monsieur Chariot ~ echoing what 007 said to Q in "Octopussy" about Q's invention, I say you must get these Masturphones into stores before Christmas!

My only question is about networking these in one's home or office. Would one of these serve as the Master Masturphone?

It is clear with this clever device that the following is true: "build a better (phone) and the world will 'beat' a path to your door!"

I'm sold. Unfortunately, I'm stuck with this iPhone contract, so I'll have to make due with the old technology for the next two years.

I normally consider myself a technophobe, but well, dare I say I'm intrigued by what this technology seems to promise? Or perhaps I've merely been seduced by the comforting sepia tones of the spokespeople. Thank you, good sir, for bringing these potential issues to my attention.

This is the best piece of news and advertising I have seen all day. And product review. Do you write for Mitchell and Webb?

I fear we have lost Monsieur Chariot to his masturphone. Think about it. Doesn't he always respond to our comments and make us feel so elegant with his ma chere Mlle xxx. Not today. He's hooked.

This is inspired. As modern humans grow ever more dependent on their tech toys, one wonders if we will reach a point where all intimacy is once removed. Will sexting replace actual sex? Stranger things have happened. Your period charcters could not have imagined the future we inhabit.

I prefer to keep mine on vibrate.

Where I keep it is my business.

(r)

Hilarious; aggrieving.
The internet has made conspicuous our twisted replicant neural pathways; witness my own i-toy’s debut, virtually concurrent with the MasturPhone™ -
http://oftenon.blogspot.com/2011/07/but-youd-buy-it-right.html

Nothing phoney about this post just sheer excelence.

Dearest friends ~ The gentleman thanks you for your hilarious commentary! I've been very busy of late, which has curtailed my ability to respond individually. But I was pleased to see that all of your observations were thoughtfully submitted via Cherished, Handwritten Notes — versus clipped, modern, Masturphone™ text-pletives!

You must be in a festive mood. You're donning a new tophat.

Yes, well, Shakespeare had many occasions to conflate two different periods in history; his own and the Ancient Greek & Roman days, mainly. . . . There's a literary term for that, too, but the damn word has slipped my mind for the moment, . . . . Let's see, "chronoflation," no, no, that's not it. "Temporalagitation," no, no, that's not it either. What the hell was that word, anyway? "Anthropomorphism," no, no, hell, that's not it either. . . . "Malapropism," for which George H. Bush gained considerable fame isn't it either. Let me think for a moment. "Achronism(?)"
Aha! . . . Anachronism.

Too funny! "...an Instant TurnOn..." Loved it. My best friend's son is an engineer who designed a vibrator that costs $185. Cool!

The love, care and artistry you put into each and every post...truly impressive.

Huge IS in.

Coming to this witty infomercial late, I am reminded of the (scholarly, of course) research a Wellesley classmate and I conducted several years ago online at Good Vibrations in San Franciso http://www.goodvibes.com/main.jhtml while comparing notes by email. Alas the product that won our highest rating is no longer sold. But today they should certainly offer the Masterphone to their elite clientele.

So very flattered to encounter my fellow writers making clever commentary on this submission!

{giggles abound} I'd trade in my iPhone for this. But if it is AT&T servicing me, I'd wind up just as dissatisfied. It's not the call, it's the mobility that matters, although after college I stopped roaming.

Fun piece, playful graphics, good times had by all.
I adore @Scanners comment > "I Love my new Masturphone™ from iBanana™. It's rather small, but it stays up a long time, and my wife loves that as well. User Testimonial"

More than likely I'd give this phone to a friend of mine, who sadly hasn't had a good calling in years.

I would wait in line for this product.

What a treasure. Where, prithee, may I purchase one?

Excellent post, now where can I get one?